Nano - Born to Be

[Haze~]

Hai again! I recently finished translating this song, and didn't really feel like it was good enough.
I'm pretty sure what I mostly had a hard time dealing with, was more the phrasing part, rather than "Misunderstanding", the lyrics. Then again, I haven't been translating for that long, and can't really rule that out. Thanks in advance! Link: http://www.animelyrics.com/anime/mahosen/borntobe.htm

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[Grain]

Ah, a fellow Mahou Sensou translator! Didn't you just love that final episode? I'm really glad that somebody decided to tackle that other song. I hope my comments didn't sound too strict.



たとえ今まで生きたストラテジーを見失っても(It\'s time now)
ハンドルを切って暴れる夢のまま突き進め
スリルの無い人生に挑むなら
意味も無い感情を抱くなら
覚悟を決めていくんだろう
自分自身を　BREAK AWAY
Even if you lose sight of the strategy you lived by to this day (It's time now)
Turning the steering wheel, push your way through your rowdy dreams.
If you're going to tackle this dull life,
If you're going to hold onto those meaningless feelings;
Are you willing to put everything on the line for it? (I still have my doubts with this one. "To decide a determination", is the literal translation. Hopefully this works too.)
Shatter the chains restricting you; BREAK AWAY (I tweaked that one a little bit. "Break yourself away..")

>ハンドルを切って暴れる夢のまま突き進め

Oof, I hate translating mama. I would translate it as: "Take the wheel and drive straight through these violent dreams." I think translating it as "these dreams" implies that the violent dreams are an ongoing, regular thing. That's as close as I can get to 夢のまま.

Why did you put a semicolon at the end of the fourth line?

>覚悟を決めていくんだろう

覚悟を決める is an expression that means "to prepare oneself (for the worst)." Therefore, you can simply translate the line as, "Then are you preparing yourself for the worst?"

>自分自身を　BREAK AWAY

This line doesn't say anything about chains. Just translate it as, "Break away from yourself."


全てを奪われる運命なら
何を信じて生きていくんだ
If fate leaves you empty-handed;
What should you believe, to keep yourself going?


The translation sounds nice, but the phrase "to be left empty handed" does not necessarily imply that theft was involved. Also, I don't believe the second line is meant to be understood as 生きていくために何を信じればいい. I don't see a ために anywhere in there. This is how I would translate it:

If everything is stolen by fate,
What will you go on believing in?



罪の意識を捨てるために
ガムシャラに走り出した
矛盾したキレイゴト並べても
今更意味も無いだろう？
In hopes of leading a guiltless life, (Did the same here. I just couldn't really come up with anything better for "To not feel guilt for the sins you commit".)
You recklessly went sprinting ahead.
But then what's the point
In lining up contradictory platitudes after all this time?

Ishiki and kireigoto are very tricky words, but this translation is so loose it's practically a different stanza. You have to be careful about that. This is my translation:

You recklessly ran away,
So that you could repress your guilt.
Even if you make up a bunch of contradictory white lies,
By this point do they even mean anything?

綺麗事を並べる means "都合のよい言葉を言ってその場をごまかすこと." Therefore, I think white lies is an adequate translation.



「犠牲は自分だけでいい」なんて
正義の仮面を被ったって
上辺のヒーローになれやしない
そんなの時間の無駄だろう？
"Nobody has to lose their lives - take mine, and mine alone",
You state. Although simply wearing the "mask of justice",
Won't make you a hero.
Aren't you merely wasting your time?

Again, you've greatly changed the meaning of the first line. Sometimes we have no choice but to tweak meanings, but there's no reason randomly add words to a straightforward line like that. Creativity is fun and necessary in translation, but our main responsibility as translators is to convey the artist's vision in a way English speakers can understand. How do you think WEST GROUND would feel about you trivially rewriting their song lyrics?

>「犠牲は自分だけでいい」なんて

"It's fine as long as I'm the only victim," you say!

>正義の仮面を被ったって

You say you've donned the mask of justice. (the って is a quotation particle, methinks)

>上辺のヒーローになれやしない

You can never become a heroic-looking figure. (やしない is an emphatic negative, so I translate it as "never." There's no causative conjugation, so I'd avoid translating the verb with "make.")

>そんなの時間の無駄だろう？

Isn't that such a waste of time?



たとえこの先選ぶ道が分からなくても(It\'s alright)
ハイウェイを飛ばして高鳴る鼓動のまま追い越していけ
スピードの無い現実に負けるなら
宛も無い運命を描くなら
人生を掴んで行くんだろう
自分自身を　LEAD THE WAY
Even if you can't tell which path to take ahead (It's alright)
So dash through the highway, outstripping your heartbeats.
If you're going to let this limping reality outrun you,
If you're going to sketch out an aimless fate;
Will you end up getting a grip on life?
Become your guiding light; LEAD THE WAY (The same goes for this one. "Lead yourself the way..")

This one is pretty good.

>たとえこの先選ぶ道が分からなくても(It\'s alright)

It's just a minor suggestion, but I would translate konosaki as "from here" or "from this point on."

>ハイウェイを飛ばして高鳴る鼓動のまま追い越していけ

Where did the "so" come from? I think you gave oikoshiteike the wrong object. My translation: "Dash down the highway with your heartbeat racing and outstrip the other cars."

>自分自身を　LEAD THE WAY

Lead the way for yourself.


僕らの失われる時間の中
何を感じ思い出すの？
Amid our lost time,
What do you feel and look back upon to?

"Look back upon to" sounds like Engrish to me. Omit the "to," or just say remember/recall.


日々の酬いは小さくても
今に任せ歩いていけば
Even if you get nothing out of life;
Entrust everything to this very moment, and off you go.
Then you'll find the way
This is the day

Aruiteikeba is a -ba conditional.

Even if the daily rewards are small,
If you entrust everything to the present and walk on,
Then you'll find the way.
This is the day.

[Haze~]

[QUOTE=Grain;2829698]Ah, a fellow Mahou Sensou translator! Didn't you just love that final episode? I'm really glad that somebody decided to tackle that other song. I hope my comments didn't sound too strict.

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Again, thanks a lot for the feedback! It's been a HUGE help. As I'm still a beginner (At translating), I'll have to look into everything more thoroughly, and hopefully, eventually improve myself.

[Grain]

覚悟を決める is an expression that means "to prepare oneself (for the worst)." Therefore, you can simply translate the line as, "Then are you preparing yourself for the worst?"

That actually makes a lot more sense, thanks for clearing that up. Though isn't "Putting everything on the line", basically gives the same idea?No, they don't have the same meaning. One of them means to risk everything, the other means to prepare yourself for bad events. In certain contexts they could even have opposite meanings.



Break away FROM yourself? I was thinking more like: "Break YOURSELF away". Hence the chains. (Though I'll go with the more simplistic translation, rather than being creative) Shouldn't it be "自分自身に/から BREAK AWAY" in order for it to mean that, though?
I just can't really find the logic here. Though Japanese isn't always as logical, and I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.There's nothing logical about gratuitously writing English phrasal verbs in all capital letters and forcing them into Japanese grammar structures. But, we just have to bite the bullet and deal with that. However, in this case, it's clear that the artist's intended meaning is 自分自身を離れて.

Verbs that are about exiting or leaving often take the を particle.

部屋を出た。 I left the room.
イギリスを去る前に。 Before I leave England.
いつ当地を出発しますか。 When will you depart from this place?



Really? Though if fate "Leaves you empty-handed", doesn't it imply that it basically took everything you had, and left you with nothing? - I can't really see it any other way.Actually, empty-handed is okay. It's more elegant than my translation.


I see your point there. Though I highly felt as if that was the case. I still do.
I'm having a bit of hard time putting it into words though. Anyway, you're probably right. I happen to know a person who's been living in Japan for approximately 10 years, so I'll ask them, just to make sure. :pGo onto Japanese Google and search for "信じて生きて." What do those sentences mean?


Again, thanks a lot for the feedback! It's been a HUGE help. As I'm still a beginner (At translating), I'll have to look into everything more thoroughly, and hopefully, eventually improve within time.Happy translating. :)

[Grain]

訂正です。

ハイウェイを飛ばして高鳴る鼓動のまま追い越していけ

I think you had the right idea with this line. I would translate it like, "Dash down the highway with your heartbeat racing, and outrun it."