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Grain
08-21-2014, 12:19 PM
Hi everybody. I'm very new to translating (started this week), and I just wanted to show my translation of Senkou no Prisoner here before I submitted it to the website. Is it okay? What do you think about the lines where I have alternate translations? And about the "Dare ga tame ni hane wo hiroge" line. Is that like "Who, for what sake, would spread their wings?" Or is it "Who for your sake would spread their wings?"

And about the "kotoba ja nakute" part. Should I maybe translate that as "You are not armed by letting words resound, but rather the naked truth?" Or maybe I should go with a really lose translation like, "Words aren't enough to arm yourself with, so let the naked truth resound?"

閃光のPrisoner
Prisoner of a Flash

わたしの中に潜む
―\PRISONER―\
永遠(とわ)に愛の名のもとに
Give you all that you need
You\'re my starlight

Prisoner who lurks within me,
In the name of eternal love,
I’ll give you all that you need
You’re my starlight.

歴史の狭間に 癒えぬ痛みを隠して
人間(ひと)は哀しいほど 忘れる生き物
Hide your unhealed grief in the valley of history.
Humans forget their sorrows as much as they despair in them. (Alternate: The more humans are sorrowful, the more they forget those sorrows.)

誰(だれ)が為に 羽根を広げ
刹那の果て 命を捧ぐのか
Who, for what sake, would spread their wings
And give their life in an instant?

昨日よりも 大人びてる
綺麗なその横顔が 孤独に揺れる
You’re more mature than yesterday.
That lovely face of yours is trembling in solitude.

あなたの中に潜む
―\PRISONER―\
消えない刻印(しるし)を背負い
護るべき 正義の為に 嘆かないで
もしも世界が 否定をしても
私がそばにいるから
譲れない 想いだけ 胸に抱いて
暗闇を撃て
Prisoner who lurks within you,
You must bear and protect the unfading emblem.
In the name of justice, don’t lament.
And since I’ll stay by your side
Even if the world denies you,
Hold only your ineffable emotions in your heart.
Shoot the darkness.

朝が来るたびに 時は生まれ変わるけど
同じだけ別れを 選んでゆくのね
Although time is reborn at the come of each morning,
It always chooses to leave, doesn’t it?

胸を鎮め 何を祈る
憂うほどに 記憶は輪廻する
What do you pray for to calm your heart?
Memories reincarnate as much as you fret over them. (The more you fret, the more your memories reincarnate.)

裏切るより 傷つくより
明日を諦めぬことが 救いへと成る
Not losing hope for tomorrow assures salvation
More than betraying or getting hurt.

わたしの中に潜む
―\PRISONER―\
永遠(とわ)に愛の名のもとに
護りたい 人がいるから 悪になれる
武装されてる 言葉じゃなくて
ありのままを響かせて
暖かな ぬくもりで 抱いてあげる
哀しみを撃て
Prisoner who lurks within me,
In the name of eternal love,
You can become evil because there are people you want to protect. (You’ll grow accustomed to evil...)
You can’t arm yourself with words, so (These words aren't armed, so. It's not words that are armed, so.)
Let the naked truth resound.
I’ll embrace you with all my warmth.
Shoot the sorrow.

昨日よりも 大人びてる
綺麗なその横顔が 孤独に揺れる
You’re more mature than yesterday.
That lovely face of yours is trembling in solitude.

二人の中に潜む
―\PRISONER―\
消えない刻印(しるし)を背負い
護るべき 正義の為に もう泣かないで
もしも世界が 否定をしても
私がそばにいるから
譲れない 想いだけ 胸に抱いて
暗闇を撃て
Prisoner who lurks within us,
You must bear and protect the unfading emblem.
In the name of justice, don’t weep anymore.
And since I’ll stay by your side
Even if the world denies you,
Hold only your ineffable emotions in your heart.
Shoot the darkness.

bluepenguin
08-22-2014, 03:13 PM
Welcome! I'm glad you've decided to join us, and I'm especially glad you've come to the Lyrics Discussion board, because it's been pretty dead around here lately and I'd love to see it perk up a bit.

>And about the "Dare ga tame ni hane wo hiroge" line. Is that like "Who, for what sake, would spread their wings?" Or is it "Who for your sake would spread their wings?"

There are cases where "ga" isn't the subject-marking particle we all know and love, but rather a more formal version of "no", and this is one of them. "XXが為" is one of the more common constructions where it's used that way, so if you see it you can pretty much always translate it just the way you would "XXの為."

>And about the "kotoba ja nakute" part. Should I maybe translate that as "You are not armed by letting words resound, but rather the naked truth?" Or maybe I should go with a really lose translation like, "Words aren't enough to arm yourself with, so let the naked truth resound?"

These lines are tricky! I'm not 100% on what they mean either, but I think "武装されてる" is actually modifying "言葉" here, so it would be something like "rather than armed words, let the truth resound"? If that makes sense.

>歴史の狭間に 癒えぬ痛みを隠して
>人間(ひと)は哀しいほど 忘れる生き物
>Hide your unhealed grief in the valley of history.
>Humans forget their sorrows as much as they despair in them.

It's just a matter of personal interpretation, but I would take the -te form here as a way of connecting the first line to the second rather than it being a command. So something like "Hiding their unhealed grief in the valley of history, humans forget their sorrows as much as they despair in them." (I like your current version of the second line better than the alternate; I think it's more elegant.)

>譲れない 想いだけ 胸に抱いて
>暗闇を撃て
>Hold only your ineffable emotions in your heart.
>Shoot the darkness.

I think this is another case where the -te of the first line is meant more as a gerund than as a command, but since the second line ends in a command-flavored -te form anyway, it doesn't make that big a difference in meaning.

>朝が来るたびに 時は生まれ変わるけど
>Although time is reborn at the come of each morning

"At the coming of each morning"? Using "come" as a noun that way rings a little oddly to me.

I just gave it a quick look, so I may be missing a few things, but all in all, I think this is a great job, especially for someone who's only been at it for a week!

Grain
08-22-2014, 04:43 PM
Thanks so much for your comments!



There are cases where "ga" isn't the subject-marking particle we all know and love, but rather a more formal version of "no", and this is one of them. "XXが為" is one of the more common constructions where it's used that way, so if you see it you can pretty much always translate it just the way you would "XXの為."

Oh, so it's kind of like 香りのない花, but reversed? The funny thing is, I originally had the translation as "for whom," but that's because I was reading the line as たがために, because I'd just translated another song that used that phrase. It was only when I re-listened to it by ear and checked the romaji that I realized it was "dare ga tame." I won't be confused by this anymore thanks to your help. (I added the hiragana there so that no one in this thread would be confused by it.)


It's just a matter of personal interpretation, but I would take the -te form here as a way of connecting the first line to the second rather than it being a command. So something like "Hiding their unhealed grief in the valley of history, humans forget their sorrows as much as they despair in them." (I like your current version of the second line better than the alternate; I think it's more elegant.)

That makes sense too. I was inclined to read it as a command since the singer spends the entire song saying "Don't cry! Don't be a baby! Carry this! Shoot that! Shoot everything! Subeki subeki subeki!" Maybe the translation would be a more pleasant read if I gave it some variety.

It probably is more elegant that way. Thanks.



>朝が来るたびに 時は生まれ変わるけど
>Although time is reborn at the come of each morning

"At the coming of each morning"? Using "come" as a noun that way rings a little oddly to me.


That's actually why I phrased it that way. I think it sounds more dramatic, and it fits with a song that uses fancy weird kanji like 憂.


These lines are tricky! I'm not 100% on what they mean either, but I think "武装されてる" is actually modifying "言葉" here, so it would be something like "rather than armed words, let the truth resound"? If that makes sense.

It's difficult indeed. I wonder if Japanese people would interpret it several ways.

Thanks again for the help!