English to Japanese Song Translation

[Hikarin]

I was given a request to translate an English song into Japanese the other day. The song is titled "Within You" and is from a movie some of you may remember entitled "Labyrinth". Older than me as it has it! xD
Anyway, I tried doing it as best I could, but I don't think I'm conveying some parts poetically enough. Since this song is sung from the eyes of the Goblin King, I was perhaps wanting it to sound a little old yet powerful, but I wasn't sure how to do that. I was also tossing and turning as to whether "僕" or "俺" would be best to use. Anyway, please give me any suggestions and criticism because I would thrive off them. ^^



Within You
君の中で


How you've turned my world, you precious thing
You starve and near exhaust me
Everything I've done, I've done for you
I move the stars for no one
俺の世界をいかにも逆様にしてくれた　大切な人よ
俺を飢えさせて既の所で疲れ果てさせて
総ては君の為にした事なのだ
君の為であっても俺は星までは動かさない

You've run so long
You've run so far
Your eyes can be so cruel
Just as I can be so cruel
Though I do believe in you
Yes, I do
長い間駆けていた　
とても遠くへ駆けていった
君の目は残酷に成りえる　
俺も残酷に成りえるように
それでも俺はまだ君を信じているけど　
そう、君を信じよう

Live without the sunlight
Love without your heartbeat
I can't live within you
日光なしで生きろ　
君のハートビートなしで愛せ
俺は君の中で生きる事が出来ない


Also, another thing I was trying to do was write the beginning of one of my stories in Japanese (as originally intended). There are a few lines that are being tricky with me, but the one I'm thinking of at the moment is the opening line which goes "Mankind has come to a standstill".

I had two ideas for this:
1) 人類は立ち往生することになる。
2) 人類は停滞状態に墜ちいった。

Are either of these suitable enough to say that? =x

[Datenshi]

I think you've done a superb job overall on a difficult task. I'll throw in my two cents.

>Since this song is sung from the eyes of the Goblin King, I was perhaps wanting it to sound a little old yet powerful, but I wasn't sure how to do that.
How about making the first-person 「私」？ (「俺」 might do as well; either way, 「僕」 sounds way too young for your purposes, at least for me.)

>How you've turned my world, you precious thing
>僕の世界を以下にも逆様にしてくれた　大切な人よ

Using 「以下にも」 in this way sounds a bit grammatically questionable to me. If you really want to preserve the "How you've ..." in your translation, my suggestion is working off a variant of something like;

（なんて）僕の世界を逆様にしてくれた（んだ）　大切な人よ
or
（こんなにも）僕の世界を逆様にしてくれた　大切な人よ

>You've run so long
>You've run so far
>長い間駆けていた　
>とても遠くへ駆けていった
The subject of the translation is unclear, and from the context it sounds like it's referring to the singer/speaker. You might want to think of adding a 「君は」 to the first line, as in,

君は長い間駆けていた　
とても遠くへ駆けていった

>Yes, I do
>そう、君を信じよう
「君を信じよう」 means "(Yes) I will believe in you" (a more direct translation should read in present tense like the original, i.e. 「君を信じて(い)る」). Of course, there's nothing wrong with the way it is now grammatically; I just want to check if this is a liberty you're aware of and comfortable in taking.

>君のハートビートなしで愛せ
「ハートビート」 is normally not spelled out in katakana like this. Have you considered 鼓動?

>僕は君の中に生きる事が出来ない
My gut tells me it should be 「君の中で」.

Finally, I vote for
>2) 人類は停滞状態に墜ちいった。

「立ち往生」 is used a lot in daily conversation for trivial situations (like traffic jams), and I think it lacks the sort of tone of gravity you're looking for.

[Hikarin]

Firstly, I'd like to say how glad I am to see someone other than Azu-niichan or ani-niichan answering questions. Not to say I don't like their intake or help, because I love it, but it makes me happy for more people to give it a go, so I'll +rep you on that ground alone. ^///^
And thank you! xD I'll probably find ways to improve it later on though.


How about making the first-person 「私」？ (「俺」 might do as well; either way, 「僕」 sounds way too young for your purposes, at least for me.)
I agree with you on "僕" now that I think about it, but "私" to me sometimes sounds a little too gentle. When I think of using "俺" though, I'm always tempted to use other wordings in my sentencing like "お前" and "ぞ"! xD


Using 「以下にも」 in this way sounds a bit grammatically questionable to me.
Funny you should say that, cause that's the part I liked the least! ^^ I just couldn't think of what to use. I had considered something with "こんな", but I didn't even consider "なんて" as a possibility.


The subject of the translation is unclear, and from the context it sounds like it's referring to the singer/speaker.
Yeah, I know.... "君" was originally in there, but I removed it. In most Japanese songs, lyrics are often vague like that, so I figured it wouldn't matter. You think I should put it back in? There just seems to be so many "僕"s and "君"s in the translation already though, so it was kinda annoying me not being creative enough to omit some. =x


「君を信じよう」 means "(Yes) I will believe in you" (a more direct translation should read in present tense like the original, i.e. 「君を信じて(い)る」). Of course, there's nothing wrong with the way it is now grammatically; I just want to check if this is a liberty you're aware of and comfortable in taking.
Yes, I was aware, I just didn't want to use the same thing as above. ^^ If this sounds funny or too different to you though, I don't mind other opinions.


「ハートビート」 is normally not spelled out in katakana like this. Have you considered 鼓動?
Ah, yes. I know it is not often done like that, but I think Japanese readers will understand it and I wanted to keep it short. I did think of "鼓動", but if I used that, I'd have to say something like "心の鼓動" which is a fair amount longer than just "ハートビート". ;p


My gut tells me it should be 「君の中で」.
Mmmm.... I think either one is fine.


Finally, I vote for >2)
I agree with you on that as well. ^^ Yeah, I noticed that. I guess there is no good way to say "standstill" in Japanese.

[Datenshi]

You're welcome. I'd sure love to have Azure Dark-san and other' opinions on this as well.


Ah, yes. I know it is not often done like that, but I think Japanese readers will understand it and I wanted to keep it short. I did think of "鼓動", but if I used that, I'd have to say something like "心の鼓動" which is a fair amount longer than just "ハートビート". ;p
I believe 鼓動 can be taken to mean "heartbeat" by itself (e.g. 「僕の鼓動」), but I guess 鼓動 would somewhat lack the metaphorical association with the soul that "heartbeat" has, so I see your point there. I agree that Japanese readers will be able to understand, so I think there's no problem with going with "ハートビート".



My gut tells me it should be 「君の中で」.
To elaborate a bit on my thinking there, I guess 「君の中に」 implies a movement/direction towards something, which nuance seems a bit out of place in this context. 「君の中で」 has a stronger association with place and seems to fit better in this case. But in any case, it's your call as a translator.

[animeyay]

I'm at work right now (on a Saturday D: )
Maybe when I get home today, I'll also take a look at this to see if there's anything I can add.
Didn't expect to someone else helping out! =D

[animeyay]

>How you've turned my world, you precious thing
>僕の世界を以下にも逆様にしてくれた　大切な人よ

I think Hikarin meant to use いかにも instead of 以下にも. The different kanji make it into a different word. いかにも would probably work, but is it really necessary to be this literal? XD


>You starve and near exhaust me
>僕を飢えさせて既の所で疲れ果てさせて

Same as above, I think it's just a little too literal. Like I said some time earlier this week in another post, literal translation may end up sounding too stiff. I'd probably just make it simpler by changing it from passive to active voice:
君のせいでもう飢えて疲れているよ
something like that. But it's your choice whether you prefer to keep everything literal.


>I move the stars for no one
>君の為であっても僕は星までは動かさない

I thought these two lines meant "I would move the stars for no one but you"?... This is an English-related question lol.


>You've run so long
>You've run so far
>長い間駆けていた　
>とても遠くへ駆けていった

You can also consider using よく(も) here to make it clear it's second person. For example:
よくも長いあいだ走っていて
ここまで駆けてきたね


>Your eyes can be so cruel
>Just as I can be so cruel
>君の目は残酷に成りえる　
>僕も残酷に成りえるように

I feel these two lines are a little too repetitive because they use the same two words and almost the same structure... Maybe:
君の目は時に　俺と同じような
残酷さを映し出している
Is there too liberal and free-style for you? XD


>Live without the sunlight
>Love without your heartbeat
>日光なしで生きろ　
>君のハートビートなしで愛せ

Again, English-related problem here. What are these two lines trying to convey? I get this feeling that they're not meant to be commands directed at the girl...=x

[Hikarin]

Datenshi
Yes, it could be used on it's own, but it would lack that meaning implied I think.

animeyay

I think Hikarin meant to use いかにも instead of 以下にも. The different kanji make it into a different word. いかにも would probably work, but is it really necessary to be this literal? XD
Lol, yes, I did! xD
I know what you're saying, but I really feel that I want to express the emotion conveyed in English behind it rather than making it a little plain. Can you think of a better way to do this other than what I've done? While many Japanese lyrics run deep and can be emotional, I get the feeling that English often works a little more poetically in some ways, so I don't know where to stand on this.


Same as above, I think it's just a little too literal. Like I said some time earlier this week in another post, literal translation may end up sounding too stiff. I'd probably just make it simpler by changing it from passive to active voice:
君のせいでもう飢えて疲れているよ
something like that. But it's your choice whether you prefer to keep everything literal.
I do agree with you on that and I was actually thinking of the exact thing when I was translating the song. I don't really like "既の所で" much, but at the same time, I kind of like the way I worded the rest of the sentence. I'll have to think more....


I thought these two lines meant "I would move the stars for no one but you"?... This is an English-related question lol.
Ah, now I thought the same thing originally. =3 However, it seemed a little contradictory to me and the more I thought about it, I realised that he was probably saying something like "I've done everything I can to please you, and yet it's not good enough. Don't expect me to go so far as moving the stars for you". What do you think after reading that idea?


You can also consider using よく(も) here to make it clear it's second person. For example:
よくも長いあいだ走っていて
ここまで駆けてきたね
Hmmm.... that's an idea. I'll think on that more. On this subject, do you have any other suggestions on where I can "safely" omit 僕 or 君?


I feel these two lines are a little too repetitive because they use the same two words and almost the same structure... Maybe:
君の目は時に　俺と同じような
残酷さを映し出している
Is there too liberal and free-style for you? XD
I really do like that suggestion you've made there, but I don't know why, I feel that with this sentence, I want them to be quite similar. =x It's set out like that in English, so....


Again, English-related problem here. What are these two lines trying to convey? I get this feeling that they're not meant to be commands directed at the girl...=x
Un, again we were originally thinking along the same lines. However, I did spend a little while really trying to understand and study the meaning of the song. I thought back on the movie to try to understand it better too. I ended up deciding that what he meant by this was that if she let everything go like he wanted, then he could live within her and hence control her.
There have been many debates as to whether Jareth actually loved Sarah, but I don't believe he did. He was Goblin King and he was sly. He merely wanted his way and she stood in the way of him getting that. She was almost drawn to the Goblin King out of awe or what not, and he used that to his advantage to play with her mind and make her think he was interested to distract her from the time limit. It's all a power battle I think really.

[AzureDark]

Datenshi is my 先輩 and a native... so I have nothing to add. And especially since I never watched Labyrinth and have never heard of the Goblin King before.

must hammer my head into NOT looking at the title as 君の○内で

[animeyay]

must hammer my head into NOT looking at the title as 君の○内で
O.O;; you wouldn't happen to mean 月室... would you? ;D



Ah, now I thought the same thing originally. =3 However, it seemed a little contradictory to me and the more I thought about it, I realised that he was probably saying something like "I've done everything I can to please you, and yet it's not good enough. Don't expect me to go so far as moving the stars for you". What do you think after reading that idea?
I guess that's another possibility. Just goes to show you that songs can be confusing in any language. It's understandable though, since they need to cut down words and then add words to make them fit into the rhythm. You can go with this, then. =D



Hmmm.... that's an idea. I'll think on that more. On this subject, do you have any other suggestions on where I can "safely" omit 僕 or 君?The other places where you have pronouns kinda have to have them... You don't like pronouns? lol



Un, again we were originally thinking along the same lines. However, I did spend a little while really trying to understand and study the meaning of the song. I thought back on the movie to try to understand it better too. I ended up deciding that what he meant by this was that if she let everything go like he wanted, then he could live within her and hence control her. Haha okay, you understand the movie a lot more than I do, so there's not much for me to contest. =)

[AzureDark]

O.O;; you wouldn't happen to mean 月室... would you? ;D
No it's a lot worse than you think. Actually I know you know what it is, but leave the eroge talk between just me and sempai will you?