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bluepenguin
01-15-2011, 02:05 AM
Whoa, I'm actually translating a song? And it's nothing to do with Vocaloids? Clearly a sign of the impending apocalypse!

運命と信じた熱い空の下で
痛いほど抱き合って潮騒も焦がした
一瞬目が眩んで揺れた陽炎たち
波音数える君が遠くに見えた

I believed it was destiny, under that hot sky
We held each other so tightly it hurt and even the sea seemed to burn [1]
For a moment, my eyes were dazzled by the shimmering of the hot air
Counting the waves, you seemed so distant

ああ 眩しすぎた風景はきっと
幻さとつぶやく秋蝉の声

"That too-dazzling scene was surely
An illusion," the autumn cicadas whisper to me

波間に消えた思い出は君と
今もどこかで生きていますか?
言葉少なに去っていった肩を
季節外れの雨が叩き続けた

Are the memories that disappeared into the waves
Still alive out there, somewhere, with you?
As you left with scarcely a word
The unseasonable rain drummed on your shoulders

ずっとこのままで…と 言葉遮った
困ったような横顔 冷やし撫でる海風
夕日が切り取った砂の足跡たち
一つずつさらわれ あの夏も消えてった

"Let's stay like this for-" You cut off my words
The cold sea breeze stroked your worried cheek
The setting sun cut short our footprints in the sand
Swept away bit by bit, that summer disappeared too

ねぇ君は何を忘れられるの?
高くて遠すぎる秋爽の空

What have you forgotten?
The serene autumn sky is too high and far away

ひとり訪ねた十月の海辺
凪いだ水面に季節を感じた
何も言えずにぼぅっと立ち尽くした
親指の砂は今も切なくきしむよ

I visited the October beach alone
Feeling the season in the stillness of the water's surface
I stood silently, frozen, lost in thought
The sand under my thumb grates painfully even now

人影消えた渚へもきっと
また新しい季節が巡る
秋冷の風が通り過ぎる前に
言いそびれていたサヨナラ波に返すよ

The people have all vanished from the shore
But summer will surely come again [2]
Before the cold autumn wind passes by
I return the goodbye I should have said to the waves

[1] I know it's literally referring to the sound of the sea (ditto for the last line of that stanza), but it just sounds odd when I try to translate it like that.

[2] Again, it's literally "a new season will come again", but thinking about it I realized that while I see 新しい季節 all the time in Japanese songs, it's not something one would really say in English, so. I don't know, I may have taken too many liberties with this translation.

AzureDark
01-15-2011, 04:32 AM
Hey I t/led this before! Here's what I can remember from that...

[1] I forgot what I put down, but it may be a good alternative to change it from "burning" to another kind of vigorous action.

>波音数える君が遠くに見えた
>Counting the waves, you looked off into the distance
(Thanks to Natto for noticing this) に見える means "seem to look like", so it's not him that does the looking, he just "seemed so distant".

>人影消えた渚へきっと
人影消えた渚へもきっと

I'd rather you t/l I've. That way it wouldn't be apocalypse but instead oblivion (http://www.animelyrics.com/jpop/ive/oblivion.html)!

bluepenguin
01-15-2011, 07:09 PM
Regarding [1], I can't think of a good word to change it to right now, but I'll think about it.

>に見える means "seem to look like"

Oh jeez, that was dumb of me not to notice it was 見える. Thank you!

> That way it wouldn't be apocalypse but instead oblivion!

That's terrible.

animeyay
01-15-2011, 07:38 PM
bluepenguin, you just need to t/l more song, period, especially since you're good at it, too. =)

bluepenguin
01-21-2011, 10:53 AM
bluepenguin, you just need to t/l more song, period, especially since you're good at it, too. =)

Aww, you're too kind. I really should do more of it though, or else one of these days I'm going to forget how to.