Sledgehammer Romance - KOTOKO [ED Princess Bride]

[lobabel]

After making my id and getting the test, I've tried to upload my first translation, but it seems that my submission was not queued and I'm not sure if it is normal or not. Plus the lyrics of this song is not so easy and neither English nor Japanese is my native language, so I think it's not a bad idea to discuss my proposal. So please feel free to pick any mistakes. BTW, I think this is the best song by KOTOKO in spite of Princess bride!, hope more people enjoy it.

Thanks in advance.

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Sledgehammer Romance
Lyrics by Masaki Motonaga (元長柾木)
Music by KOTOKO
Sung by KOTOKO

土曜のキスよりも　覚悟して　飛び出した　行き先は
More determined than a Saturday kiss, I ran out to the place
パパもママもいない場所　だけど　一つの夜空を　見えるなら　いいよね
Where neither dad nor mom is. Yet I'm happy to see the same night sky.

探さないでね　みんな大好き　裏切りちゃって　ごめんね
Please don't look for me. I love you all. Sorry for betraying you.
これが最初の　正念場だから　わがままを許して
This is my first moment of fate [1], so forgive me for being selfish.

結ばれたボクらの（果てしのない）　ロングセイリング（帆を上げて）
The long sailing (endless) of us who are bound together (hoist the sail)
どこまでも行くよ　ずっと　小さな心は　離れはしない
Will continue to anywhere ceaselessly. Little hearts shall not be parted.


久遠の荘園は　塵となり　灰となり　潰えても
Though the ancient manor tumbles down to be dirt and ashes,
死が二人を別まで　ともに　無明の荒れ野を　二人きり　歩もう
Til death do us part, the two of us shall walk the wilderness of avidya alone. [2]

尾根渡る風　落ち延びる騎士　歴史の終わる　足音
Wind crossing the peak. A knight running far away. Footsteps telling the end of history.
過去も未来も　戦場に消えて　天の星となって
Past and future will disappear on the battlefield and become stars in the sky.

取り戻せ玉座を（かけがえない）　愛しき王子よ（そばに居て）
Regain your throne (no other than you), beloved prince (be beside me).
わたしの名はプリンセス　鋼鉄の愛は　砕けはしない
My name is princess. Love of steel shall not be broken.

甘い吐息と　ささやきの海　あふれ続ける　睦言
Sweet sighs and whispering ocean. Overflowing words of romance.
肌触れ合わせ　揺るがない気持ち　とめどない口づけ
Touched skins. [3] Unhesitating feeling. Ceaseless kisses.

胸を打つ鼓動は（この鼓動は）スレッジハンマー（止まらない）
The beat strikes my heart (this heartbeat) like a sledgehammer (does not stop).
燃えるロマンスは　いつも　天文学的　永久にボクらは
Blazing romance is always astrological. Shall we be so forever. [4]

取り戻せ玉座を　愛しき王子よ
Regain your throne, beloved prince.

[1] 正念場 means the most important scene in Kabuki where the basic character of protagonist is expressed, and metaphorically 'a do-or-die situation'. I think it is not so bad.
[2] avidya, sanskrit for 無明, is a Buddhist term meaning the fundamental ignorance of human beings.
[3] Literally, this might more mean that the skins are touched to cause the unhesitating feeling, but I couldn't find a smart expression.
[4] In fact this is an overinterpretation. Original text "永久にボクらは" does not close the sentence properly. I considered 'shall we forever' or 'shall we be forever' but I'm not sure how they make sense.

[AzureDark]

It's normal for your submission to not show up in awhile, because they're queued for me to look at them first.

I actually tried translating Sledgehammer Romance before. But I didn't really like my work so I kinda ditched it. Yours is very good, although maybe the English needs to be improved... Don't look at me, I'm also not an English native.

Anyway welcome, fellow I've freak, hope you submit more I've.

[3] It is a Japanese expression that a shaken feeling means that the feeling is not strong or gets influenced by something else. Here, the three nouns in this line (actually the whole stanza) are hanging nouns, only loosely related by topic.
So that means the line is saying "unmoven/unshaken feelings".

[4] 永久にボクらは is inverted sentence structure (indeed 取り戻せ玉座を is another case of this). If you revert it into ボクらは永久に, that makes perfect sense does it not?

[lobabel]

It's normal for your submission to not show up in awhile, because they're queued for me to look at them first.

Thank you AzureDark, in fact above version is a bit different to what I submitted yesterday (and displayed) and I hope some opinions here.

[3] It is a Japanese expression that a shaken feeling means that the feeling is not strong or gets influenced by something else. Here, the three nouns in this line (actually the whole stanza) are hanging nouns, only loosely related by topic.
So that means the line is saying "unmoven/unshaken feelings".

My point was that "合わせ" is a renyoukei, so it can connect "肌触れ合わせ" and "揺るがない気持ち". IMHO the connection is not so obvious, so I thought it's not so bad to translate "肌触れ合わせ" as a hanging noun. But maybe there's a better way?

[4] 永久にボクらは is inverted sentence structure (indeed 取り戻せ玉座を is another case of this). If you revert it into ボクらは永久に, that makes perfect sense does it not?

But yet it lacks a V part considering S+V structure. Maybe the author intended "天文学的" to work as V for both parts of this line at a time. Then I think my version "Shall we be so forever" works. But it's not certain and I'd prefer retaining an incomplete sentence in English also...

[AzureDark]

[3] No it's not renyoukei, it's noun form since everything else in that stanza is in noun form. (The word is like that in both noun and renyoukei - it's a verb II after all)

[4] Well with the whole load of hanging nouns I can't see it other than a plain "we are eternal"... 永久に already took the adjective part of that hanging noun and there's no で (na-adj connector) before that, so 天文学的 is for the previous sentence:
[燃えるロマンスはいつも天文学的] [永久にボクらは]

Don't be too rigid with grammar rules when translating anison/erogeson as a rule of thumb. If there's any luck, someone like Datenshi or bluepenguin (another I've fan) will straighten this out. People also did help with my own Sledgehammer translation but it's lost already.

[EJTranslations]

It's a good translation, but your English phrasing could use some work in places. I hope you don't mind if I nitpick it a little.

>Determined than a saturday kiss
Should be "More determined than..."; also, "Saturday" should be capitalized.

>Of us who bound together (endless) the long sailing (hoist the sail)
"Who are bound together." Also, this would sound more natural if you reversed it ("the long sailing of us who are bound together"), but if you want to stick with the Japanese order that's up to you.

>walk the wildness of avidya alone
I think the word you're looking for here is "wilderness."

>prince beloved
I guess you can reverse the adjective-noun order for poetic effect, but it just looks weird to me here.

Other than those things (and the things that Azu-chan pointed out), it looks good to me.

[lobabel]

Thank you so much Azuredark and bluepenguin, I've corrected the above version partly.

About "永久にボクらは", I agree that it's not so probable that "天文学的" is the V part (yougen) of its, but I think 永久に is an adverb, so I feel it implies yet an omitted yougen. (To be an adjective, I think 永久の should be better.) And I feel that the omitted yougen produces here an unique effect, which I quite love. "We are eternal" means that the existence of speakers prolongs forever, and I think the semantics is a bit different to the text... So I'm looking for a better expression yet.

About "結ばれたボクらの（果てしのない）　ロングセイリング（帆を上げて）"
I did exchange the order of 'the long sailing' and 'Of us...' if there were no subphrases in the parentheses. I felt a bit uneasy in exchanging the order having another subtext in the line. And maybe it'd be better to make it possible to read the whole line including subphrases as a single sentence. I considered "The long sailing (that is endless) of us who are bound together (hoist the sail)" but I'm afraid it's not so smooth.

[AzureDark]

You see, the semblance of "we are eternal" to me is not about they existing eternally because of only themselves but rather their love exists eternally, such that they will be together as one for a long time. The "we" in that sentence means that they are being together and this togetherness will last forever. It may not come natural to you since as you say, you're not an English native, but to someone more familiar with it, this fact can be implied due to the nature of the song and especially what comes before it ("Our burning romance is stellar").