Vocaloid - Romio to Shinderera

[Rei]

Don't turn my love into a Juliet's tragedy
Umm at this part I think that 'Please don't make my love as tragic as Juliet's' sticks better; or if you want to keep the edited version, maybe take out the 'a'? I'm not sure if it would be correct then. Maybe animeyay can offer something.

About the musubareru part...yeah, that usually means to be 'bound together'.

Hey, won’t you live with me?
Since it's くれる, it could sound more beseeching and be 'Hey, won't you come live with me?' (Though I'm probably out of my league here, so I need a second opinion.)

To afar, until they condemn us
'Condemn us' sounds too harsh, but I can't think of anything better.

Look, I am just right here
Maybe take out the 'just'? It seems unecessary.

Before that happens, come to my rescue ‘kay?
Before that happens, come to my rescue, 'kay?

Mostly stylistic corrections. ^^; The rest is good to go!

[animeyay]

Don't turn my love into a Juliet's tragedy
Umm at this part I think that 'Please don't make my love as tragic as Juliet's' sticks better; or if you want to keep the edited version, maybe take out the 'a'?


To afar, until they condemn us
'Condemn us' sounds too harsh, but I can't think of anything better.

Yea, I like the original translation "Please don't make my love as tragic as Juliet's" a lot better than the revised version. While the revision is a lot more literal (and faithful to the original Japanese), it sounds really really funny in English, and I think a little flexibility won't hurt here.

And oops, I forgot to mention the "condemn" part lol. Must've slipped my mind. I think "scold" is the perfect word, since we're talking about a girl fearful of being scolded by her parents; "condemn" is definitely an overkill.

[marvelangga]

Awright!~ Thanks for the suggestion guys, I'm going to finalize it now~

EDIT: So here's the final translation I came up with using your corrections and suggestions, and if there's still anything, just anything, that needs to be fixed, kindly apply the final touches animeyay~ But I think it already became muuuch more beautiful than my original translation, thanks to you guys, I liked this song more and became more of a favorite~ XD Err, so without further ado, here is doriko's [Romeo and Cinderella]:

Please don't make my love tragic as Juliet's
Take me away from here...

That is how I feel

A “Goodnight” to papa and mama
Dream of the sweetest dreams
It’s already time for adults to sleep

I’ll stuff myself with the alluring caramel
And curl up my hesitant, bare feet
How far are we going tonight?

Don’t bite me; do it gently
I still don’t like the bitter stuff
I’m only used to eating the sweets mama makes

If there’s something unknown to me
I would like to know it; isn’t that normal?
Show me everything
If it’s to you then, I’ll show you my…

The Cinderella that yearned for love all this time
Begins to run with just her dress
The magic shall stop the time
Or else the bad guys might get in our way

I’m the “Juliet who likes to run away”
But you don’t have to call me by that name
That’s right; we have to be bound together
If not, then it won’t be any fun

Hey, won’t you come live with me?

I applied a little too much mascara
But I’ll be a good girl when tomorrow comes
So please let me off the hook for now

The boundary line is just this black lace
And there’s no one to guard it today so,
If ever, how far are you going beyond it?

Until you bite me, until it hurts
I’m the one you fell in love with, right?
But papa doesn’t seem to like you that much

You say you’re holding out your hands for my sake
But isn’t that a collar you’re holding?
Just take me away, oh my Romeo,
To afar, until they scold us

The bells are going to sound and
Cinderella has to leave her glass shoe
Obviously, you have to look for her quick
Or she’ll be haunted with nightmares

Definitely, even she, did it like that—
She lied when she said she “accidentally” dropped it
That is right; I’ll do the same
Since I want to be loved by you more

Look, I am right here

Won’t you gently peek inside my heart?
Isn’t it filled with just everything that you desire?
I’m still hungry; stuff me hard, more and more
So much that you might bury everything into me

But is that all there is to it?

It’s said that you’ll find happiness more in a smaller box than in a larger one
What should I do? If this goes on like this
You’ll eventually start to dislike me

My papa and mama that are greedier than me won’t even change today
That is right; it’s better to be honest
“I have dropped the Golden Axe”

The Cinderella that had lied too much
Is said to have been eaten by the Wolf
What should I do? At this rate, even I
Will be eaten someday

Before that happens, come to my rescue, ‘kay?

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Footnote: Thanks xRiikox and animeyay for the corrections!

[animeyay]

Looks good to me =)
Wonder if anyone else (if not Riichan) has any more suggestions,
but yea, just let us know when your final revision is ready, and we'll get the translation updated.

[animeyay]

'Kay, seeing how everyone involved seems happy with the revision, I have made the update, and this thread has finally come to a close. It spanned almost 2 months lol.
みんな、おつかれさん！