Your Perspective On Dating

[Equilibrium]

So, I met this girl at local get together. We decide to have dinner and a movie, you can call it a date. The night ends with a small make out session. For the next two weeks, we see each other several more times. I didn't hear from her from her for about 2or 3 days. It's Friday and I wanna go out, so I invite someone to go on a date with me.

Long story short, the other women finds out. She is extremely upset and calls me all sorts of names. Claims she really liked me and that I was cheating. We only been talking for 2 weeks, it's a bit excessive. Now, let me put this in the open at no point in time, did she mention we are 'dating' or 'boyfriend & girlfriend'. There were no rules set in place about seeing other people.

I'm curious, am I wrong in this situation? Should I have let her know? Is it wrong to date like that?

For the main question, define dating for yourself? Are you the type of person to be committed with one person, even if it's your first date, for however long? Do you date multiple people, for a variety, and see which one fits your personality? I'm having trouble wording this properly, but it was an interesting topic we discussed. Figured I'd share it.

With a variety of ages and experience on this forum. Everyone's thoughts and takes on this should be interesting.

[Jozette]

You were wrong.

[bunnylover]

Well it depends on if you saw yourself as "boyfriend and girlfriend". If you found the feeling mutual, then I don't think you were wrong. However, if it was the other way around.... then I'd have to say you were wrong.

[Eris]

I'd say actively dating multiple people is bad form, where active dating is going beyond a first date.

[Xeyuzio]

I think the girl is wrong, if you never explicitly said you were a couple than why is she freaking out? Dating multiple people at the same time is okay by me.

[Meenah]

She's just messed up in the head. How would you know she likes you? Plus, it depends on you if you liked her at all. Anyway, it's not bad dating other people unless you are legit boyfriend and girlfriend. That would be different, and you can go further on that.

My way of dating, I only start out as friends with a guy (in particular). Until the friendship continues through, and there is some kind of connection and the friendship blossoms. Most importantly, I like the guy I am associating myself with and he likes me too, well we date. o_o I don't like to really swing around and date other guys, when I date someone I want to see if things can last for us. I wouldn't call the person I date as my "boyfriend" unless we surpass 5 months. I am a little different and I have so many standards. :/

[Nephthys]

I think you're wrong...if you are trying to date a girl... looking for another one at the same time you are pursuing her, doesn't exactly inspire confidence. If you don't feel that way about her, by all means tell her and then move on with ya bad self.

[Syndicate]

I'd say you did nothing wrong, if she so called liked you why didn't she speak to you everyday.. yet she didn't you said she didn't speak to you for 2-3 days so she wasn't exactly dating you to begin with therefore she shouldn't be vulgar and rude too you. Tsk...

[Nephthys]

I think we've just had a remarkable break through into the way the other sex see's things. Obviously, since the females think you're wrong. I believe she thought you guys were dating. The males.... not so much, because you didn't hear from her for a couple of days and hadn't established a relationship in "words" anyway.

[Tarkenfire]

I think we've just had a remarkable break through into the way the other sex see's things. Obviously, since the females think you're wrong. I believe she thought you guys were dating. The males.... not so much, because you didn't hear from her for a couple of days and hadn't established a relationship in "words" anyway.

Not to belittle my own gender, but guys are kinda dumb like that; you gotta tell us we're in the relationship else we ain't gonna figure it out from the context clues.

[nrL]

"boyfriend", "girlfriend", "dating", "not dating", "couple", "not-couple", "semi-couple", "30%couple30%friends40%strangers"......who cares about all these stupid labels?

geez
if that story is true then she liked you op and you hurt her
deal with it

Anyway, how did she find out? Let me guess, she was stalking you!?

[Jasanime]

It sounds to me like there was never any kind of commitment between the 2 of you, so I think what you did was fine. Though if someone did that to me, I'd be a bit pissed, because once a man meets me, he should be smart enough to realize that no other woman will ever compare ;-)

[sunnyside]

Let me put it to you this way. Think of any chick flick you've ever seen or heard of or even Disney movies from when you were a kid if you saw Aladdin or whatever.

Was the guy ever playing the field? If he was how did the lady take it?

The fairytale romance features the guy being infactuated with this wonderful person who has fallen into their life. There is an idea that the new relationship should be something special.

Now in the past as I understand it it was much more socially acceptable to casually date around and it was something of a big deal to "go steady" with someone. Of course during that time a first date might not even end with a kiss or it would be a peck when dropping her off. These days things can be a bit more accelerated.

In any case it seems you swept her off her feet and she feels like you dropped her on the ground when another skirt walked by.

[Forgotten Show]

Not to belittle my own gender, but guys are kinda dumb like that; you gotta tell us we're in the relationship else we ain't gonna figure it out from the context clues.

That's not true at all. Men are no more oblivious to relational cues than are women. It is how the cues are reacted to that differs (often culturally).

[Chris]

Young males and females have different motivations for dating. Girls describe romance in terms of interpersonal qualities, the boys in terms of physical attraction. The negative experience is necessary for the growth and improvement. Mutual love can help, but there is a danger. Love implies high expectations, and therefore may turn into hatred at any moment.

Our expectations hugely influence our perceptions, and therefore our decisions, our experiences, our judgments, and ultimately, how we feel. The American Dream teaches us to always be striving, to expect, well, everything. The expectation of unlimited choice hurts our happiness for two reasons. First, more choices don’t actually make us happier - they just make us long for what we give up. The more choices we have, the more likely we are to feel unhappy with the choice that we do make, because we see all that we could have had in the other choices. And second, if we’re constantly gazing over our partner’s shoulder for the next best thing, we won’t be gazing into his or her eyes. Feeling gratitude for our partners is key to a successful relationship. But we’re unlikely to feel grateful for what we have when we feel entitled to something better, something more. We cannot feel truly committed to someone if we also feel that there might be someone else out there for us. The abundance of choice in our society - and the advertising and media culture that makes us feel that we won’t be complete until we acquire that next great thing - is taking its toll on our relationships.

[CrimsonMoon]

For me, I don't think you're wrong, considering that both of you are still not boyfriend girlfriend. However I can understand why she would be upset. This is just a misunderstanding on her part. No one is wrong in this matter. She's thinking that she's exclusive to you since you've been dating for two weeks, while you're thinking that your options for dating others are open when she didn't contact you for a few days.

Dating in a simple term for me is just going out with a guy/girl and getting to know each other. For me, why should I be committed to a person for a long time because of a date? Unless the partner with me is someone that I like and we agreed to go out, then it's okay to date others. I've never dated multiple people at a single time though.

[rso0]

I would have just found myself lucky and tried to talk her out of hating me. I would agree with the girl too

[Chigumi]

If you never had any conversation with her that included the words 'We are dating' or 'will you be my girlfriend' then just let her whine and be creepy. Although I would understand her in a way where you jumped to someone else way too quickly. We don't know the reason yet why she dropped contact for a bit. Looking backwards: You should have asked her first 'y u no contact me anymore?' Maybe her father is sick (if she has one) or maybe her parents wouldn't let her go online, because she didn't do well at school... who knows. My conclusion: You were wrong because you didn't seem to try with her 100%. And she was wrong to think you two were a couple yet and not sharing why she was 'gone' for so long.

[ChibiLovett]

That's not true at all. Men are no more oblivious to relational cues than are women. It is how the cues are reacted to that differs (often culturally).

I was told in a psychology class I took that women actually are statistically better at picking up on little cues and stuff with things like this. That's not to say all men are bad at it as I'm sure there are exceptions to it just like with everything else. Just in general. That's not bashing on men and that teacher could've been wrong, but that's what I was taught.

Anyways. If you two never officially began dating, then I see no problem with what you did. Dating is a mutual agreement between both people (or more, should they not be monogamous). If one thinks they're dating and the other doesn't, then neither is really solely at fault, but the boundaries and workings of their relationship should've been made a bit more clear, which it sounds like you should've done after the make-out session. It's not hard to figure out how that could give the wrong idea.

[wolfgirl90]

I'm curious, am I wrong in this situation? Should I have let her know? Is it wrong to date like that?

It's wrong when you leave a girl to her own devices to figure things out. As ChibiLovette said, we girls are actually pretty good at figuring out psychological cues from others. However, really stubborn girls won't listen to cues alone; you have to be more direct or nothing is going to sink in. Making the assumption that your date would figure out that she wasn't your girlfriend all on her own without you stating something was a bit naive on your part.

I mean, if you wanted to go out that Friday, why didn't you just go out with the chick that you were already dating? Yeah, you hadn't heard from her in two days, but you could have called her to figure things out. Something tells me that this girl was already on your nerves and this small absence was all the excuse you really needed to go out with someone else.

Like I said, girls can usually pick up on nonverbal cues from guys, but doesn't mean we don't want to be approached verbally (we'll actually appreciate it better). You might not have said anything about dating other people, but considering the fact that you two were pretty much dating, exclusivity is something that is assumed in that situation. If you were planning on dating other women in the first place (instead of just waiting for the first girl to not say anything), you should say something upfront.

For me, I don't "date" much, since it usually leads to this conundrum. There have been times when I have gone on a "date" with a guy and he made the assumption that I was his girlfriend right then and there and I have to clue him in on what is going on.

I just have a "friends with benefits" arrangement. I tell all of my "friends" that I am not exclusive to any one person so that there are no surprises.

[Forgotten Show]

I... no. Psychology has not shown women to be better than men at picking up anything, nor vice versa. The only sex-related cognitive difference consistently shown is that women are on average more nurturing. Schmitt et al. (2003) did an enormous [maybe ongoing?] survey that showing widely disparate differences between how mn and women describe themselves; one of the most cited examples is males from agricultural societies sharing traits normally associated with women in wealthier/more progressive nations (higher anxiety, more cautious, less assertive, etc.). Environmental stress is a lot more important than most realize in cultivating personalities of individuals and societies.

Anyway, OP saw this person over a 2 week period. They made out. He did not mention that they had sex or were intimate, he did not mention any promises or suggestions of exclusivity. Based on the information available, he is only "wrong" if casual dating is seen as "wrong". In this I agree with Chibi: to be dating is a mutually agreed-upon thing, not something one will know but the other doesn't. We can "if" and "but" all we want but with what was shared in that post, not a whole lot can be logically inferred.