Humour Quotes! XD

[Nesh]

So I just wanted to share some laughter with everyone, hope you do to! Post some funny quotes,they can be yours or from somebody else....The point is that they have to be really halerious, and understandible. Read them and enjoy

---------- Post added at 11:12 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:17 PM ----------

For example:

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

[Elukien]

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you will be a mile away AND you will have their shoes.

[Clayton_n]

The wages of sin is dead, but so is the salary of virtue. At least evil can take the weekend off.

[Souhi]

"Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying. "

[Aleyna]

Freaky like my lady pyramid! - Ken Jeong

[Nesh]

Here's another one^^

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[Senjou_Akira]

I look at the sky
*sighs*
the sky is so beautiful...
...
i look at you
and i looked at the sky again

the sky is really beautiful

[miniPhil]

I was standing for an hour in McDonalds the other day before I thought; "Dam, I should probably take someones order".

[Nesh]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

[Ellxeeva]

"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

[Skilero]

"I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.” ~Oscar Wilde

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue." ~Airplane!

[Hanamaru Kunikida]

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah boy!"

~Flavor Flav.

[Aleyna]

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah boy!"

~Flavor Flav.

>_______________<

 

Hey baby, wanna come over to myspace so i can twitter your yahoo, till you google all over my facebook?

[Nesh]

There wouldn't be a swine flu, if we treated the pigs better!
-Jim Carey
(MTV Movie Awards 2009)

[Aleyna]

The next statement is true. The previous statement is false.

[Videlreyes]

"Never get into a fight with an ugly person because they have nothing to lose."

[Meteorkeeper]

Thanks to denial I am immortal ~ Fry Futurama

It's not stupid it's advanced~ Invader Zim

[-GAZKUL-]

this

[Nesh]

How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

[Lily Rock]

Quoted from Cpt. MacMillan from Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.
What you mean it's not Scottish?! If it's not Scottish, it's crap!

[-GAZKUL-]

What you mean it's not Scottish?! If it's not Scottish, it's crap!

Hell Yeah!!!!

[Nesh]

19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name "Rock Hard".

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot,Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

[Aleyna]

Abby(Katherine Heigl): My cat stepped on the remote.
Mike(Gerard Butler): Well, be sure to thank your pussy for me.
From the movie, The Ugly Truth

[Nesh]

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
—Oscar Wilde

[Ranshiin]

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

Win.