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Thread: Dialogue Poem

  1. #1
    Junior Member *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi*'s Avatar
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    Default Dialogue Poem

    Uhm, hi. I know I haven't really posted or anything but we have to do this thing for my health class that requires us to write a poem. On one side, the person is mentally ill in some way. On the other, they are normal. Just want to know a couple opinions. Thank you in advance. ><


    Dialogue Poem

    I jump out of bed at the sound of my alarm.
    I wake up to find a deep pain in my chest.

    I dress, take a shower, eat and run out the front door.
    It takes half and hour to lift myself up.

    Catch the bus and smile a "good morning" to the driver.
    Skip breakfast- I'm not ever hungry anymore.

    Sit with my friends and start cracking jokes.
    Lift my head to see the bus leaving- missed it again.

    Receive an A on my test; today is a good day.
    Arrive late so I miss first hour; hang out in the bathroom instead.

    Get complimented on my shirt- I chose my favorite one.
    Avoid looking in the mirror when I walk out; I look horrible anyway.

    Grab my stuff for bio; I want to ask the teacher a question.
    Don't remember what my next class is so I head out behind the school.

    Scarf down my food as quickly as I can, then spend the rest of lunch hanging out.
    Hear the bell ring for lunch; choose to light a smoke instead.

    Walk down the hall with my friends, pass by and old friend.
    Go inside and keep my head down as my old friends pass by.

    Excited for the party; can't stop talking about it.
    Ignore the girl sitting next to me and skip another class.

    My team gets the best score in gym, I cheer like it's nobody's business.
    It hurts to walk, it hurts to move; I sit down and cry.

    Joined with my friends in our cheering- this is a great day.
    I feel so scared and so alone- there is no one by my side.

    Run into class and take my seat, catching my breath from the momentum.
    Trudge into my next class- health, how ironic.

    Ramble on about everything- life is so great.
    Sit quietly because I have nothing to say.

    Listen intently as the professor speaks.
    I can't hold back my anger as the teacher talks.

    I am surprised the bell rings so soon.
    I run out the door as soon as the bell rings.

    Go off and head into the bathroom.
    Slam myself against the wall as I pull off my wristband

    My hair falls over my face so I brush it away.
    Run my fingers over the scars before pulling out a razor blade.

    Stop inside the door; someone is talking.
    Mumble to myself, "This will help. It will make the pain go away."

    Round the corner and see a boy on the ground.
    Look up to see a boy looking down at me.

    I turn away quickly and run from the bathroom.
    He turns and runs; I focus back down and hit a good vein.

    Stop and look down at my hands- they're shaking.
    Start twitching as the blood runs out of my arm; I can feel the pain leaving me.

    I knew that boy.
    I feel free.

    Listen to the world around my before pivoting and racing back.
    Start to cry again; the blood smears on my face.

    Kick open the door, bashing it into the wall.
    Jump to a loud noise; someone has entered again.

    Find the boy in the same spot; with blood all over.
    Stare as the boy looks at me; he looks vaguely familiar.

    Hold out a hand.
    He holds out a hand.

    "I'll help you."
    He helps me.
    If the world was smaller, no one would fit!

  2. #2
    May precipitate OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dialogue Poem

    This is more of a short story. It takes a while to get into it and I feel that the last line "he helps me" is a bit cheap. I can't help but feel a "less is more" approach would be better coupled with the use of stronger imagery. Up until the cutting it just seems that the second kid is a delinquent, rather than someone facing depression.


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  3. #3
    Junior Member *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi* has much to be proud of *ametsuchi*'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Dialogue Poem

    Quote Originally Posted by OminousCloud View Post
    This is more of a short story. It takes a while to get into it and I feel that the last line "he helps me" is a bit cheap. I can't help but feel a "less is more" approach would be better coupled with the use of stronger imagery. Up until the cutting it just seems that the second kid is a delinquent, rather than someone facing depression.
    Ah, yeah. I would have included this earlier if I had time. I completely agree with you in both parts.

    The only problem is that the assignment says we have to have it be at least 20 lines each for both and end with the person with the mental illness being helped or on some way to signify that they are going to be helped.
    Didn't know another way to say it. ><;;
    If the world was smaller, no one would fit!

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Dialogue Poem

    Ah ok, it's fine if they've given you guidelines to follow, 20 lines each is still quite a lot.


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