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Thread: step into the light

  1. #1
    Senior Member polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星's Avatar
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    Default step into the light

    this started out as a poem for my dear sugoku subarashii hiroe chan, but i revised it a lil and made it into a song.


    I dont know what I should do
    When I'm alone, I pretend that I'm with you
    Because everyday I think about the way
    You make me smile...you know you make me smile
    And I dont know why I feel the way I do
    All I know is I'm so yappy when I talk to you
    But if I tell you, I'm afraid youll run away
    Youll run away...youll run away from me

    Now i dont know what tomorrow will bring
    should I urusai or should I open my mouth and sing
    I'm tired of this place I've called my home
    Inside my mind...and now I'm trapped inside
    And when I tried to step into the light
    I had to close my eyes because the sun is so damn bright
    And so I run back inside myself
    Inside myself...because in the darkness i can hide

    I still dont know what I should do
    I just want to tell you that "Im in love with you"
    And no matter what you say or do
    You can always count on; being my shin yu
    My shin yu

    If I could fly, I know right where to go
    I'd spread my wings and I'd head for tokyo
    I'd come and find you in the place where you reside
    And step inside...because it's so warm inside
    Last edited by polaris 北極星; 12-18-2010 at 07:22 AM.
    in my head theres a greyhound station, where i send my thoughts to far off destinations.... so they may have a chance of finding a place, thats far more suited than here (ben gibbard)

    www.soundcloud.com/theparadox
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  2. #2
    May precipitate OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud's Avatar
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    Default Re: step into the light

    Capital letters, punctuation, " 'cause" instead of "coz"... just some tips to preserve my sanity.


    Tru Fax: Princess Minako wrestled Jesus... and won










  3. #3
    Level: 4 Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner's Avatar
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    Default Re: step into the light

    Quote Originally Posted by OminousCloud View Post
    Capital letters, punctuation, " 'cause" instead of "coz"... just some tips to preserve my sanity.
    Wait, your sanity? What is this, I don't even..

    But other than that, its decent.. It could use better punctuation and such but good work.
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  4. #4
    Senior Member polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星's Avatar
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    Default Re: step into the light

    Quote Originally Posted by OminousCloud View Post
    Capital letters, punctuation, " 'cause" instead of "coz"... just some tips to preserve my sanity.
    its funny (sad actually) that when you read that, all you saw were errors in my grammar. im sorry if my way of expressing myself doesnt meet up to your grammatical standards. im sure glad i dont see the world through your eyes!!!!!
    in my head theres a greyhound station, where i send my thoughts to far off destinations.... so they may have a chance of finding a place, thats far more suited than here (ben gibbard)

    www.soundcloud.com/theparadox
    www.myspace.com/polaristheparadox
    www.bombeatzmusic.com
    www.jamvana.com

  5. #5
    Daisy LadyPSerenity has a reputation beyond repute LadyPSerenity has a reputation beyond repute LadyPSerenity has a reputation beyond repute LadyPSerenity has a reputation beyond repute LadyPSerenity has a reputation beyond repute LadyPSerenity has a reputation beyond repute LadyPSerenity has a reputation beyond repute LadyPSerenity has a reputation beyond repute LadyPSerenity has a reputation beyond repute LadyPSerenity has a reputation beyond repute LadyPSerenity has a reputation beyond repute LadyPSerenity's Avatar
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    Default Re: step into the light

    All I did was trip up on every second word, trying to make sure I caught it right.

    Grammatical errors aren't the end of the world, but they do tend to help someone else reading your work... read it. Typically if someone doesn't bother with the capitals, commas, periods and simple rules of writing, I don't waste time reading their stuff, but since you seem to think it's all that was seen...

    The first time I read it, I choked back the text as it was hard to follow, and lacked much flow. I didn't bother listening to you singing it because I care very little about that, if I want music I'll go to youtube... this is Literature, so I'll go for the written word.
    The text has meaning and could be followed, it has a sense of rythm and something to it but it feels almost mashed up. Something is missing from it and it doesn't feel like it has any real ending to it.
    Other than that, coz really? Are we Eleven? Even professional song writers don't do that, they use slang but they at least use cuz, or cause, not coz? Are we cozy? or are we saying because in a short form? I can't tell.

    The lyrics are all right but could use tweaking.

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  6. #6
    Senior Member polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星's Avatar
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    Default Re: step into the light

    Quote Originally Posted by LadyPSerenity View Post
    All I did was trip up on every second word, trying to make sure I caught it right.

    Grammatical errors aren't the end of the world, but they do tend to help someone else reading your work... read it. Typically if someone doesn't bother with the capitals, commas, periods and simple rules of writing, I don't waste time reading their stuff, but since you seem to think it's all that was seen...

    The first time I read it, I choked back the text as it was hard to follow, and lacked much flow. I didn't bother listening to you singing it because I care very little about that, if I want music I'll go to youtube... this is Literature, so I'll go for the written word.
    The text has meaning and could be followed, it has a sense of rythm and something to it but it feels almost mashed up. Something is missing from it and it doesn't feel like it has any real ending to it.
    Other than that, coz really? Are we Eleven? Even professional song writers don't do that, they use slang but they at least use cuz, or cause, not coz? Are we cozy? or are we saying because in a short form? I can't tell.

    The lyrics are all right but could use tweaking.
    touche! i feel your reply was a bit more like constructive criticism, and not just an attempt to belittle me. and it actually gave me a bit of ambition to correct my "slang". however, i was under the impression that this was the poetry part of the forum, and not the "preserve ominous cloud's sanity" part.

    i corrected the spelling errors to make it a little easier for people to follow. i understand that art and poetry are subjective, and it wont appeal to everyone. but to read someone's poetry and not even bother to comment on the content, only the grammar... well, the intentions of that comment were self evident (and yes, my comment was subjective too) thanks everyone for your time and consideration in reading my poem/song!!!
    in my head theres a greyhound station, where i send my thoughts to far off destinations.... so they may have a chance of finding a place, thats far more suited than here (ben gibbard)

    www.soundcloud.com/theparadox
    www.myspace.com/polaristheparadox
    www.bombeatzmusic.com
    www.jamvana.com

  7. #7
    May precipitate OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud's Avatar
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    Default Re: step into the light

    Excuse my hyperbole. It's very distracting to critique a written work that has not followed the conventions of writing. If you want to be taken seriously, or if you want people to read your work, you should endeavour to write properly.


    Tru Fax: Princess Minako wrestled Jesus... and won










  8. #8
    Level: 4 Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner has a reputation beyond repute Yoko Littner's Avatar
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    Default Re: step into the light

    Quote Originally Posted by OminousCloud View Post
    Excuse my hyperbole. It's very distracting to critique a written work that has not followed the conventions of writing. If you want to be taken seriously, or if you want people to read your work, you should endeavour to write properly.
    This, plus you should expect criticism.
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