AnimeGalleries [dot] NetAnimeWallpapers [dot] ComAnimeLyrics [dot] ComAnimePedia [dot] ComAnimeGlobe [dot] Com

User Tag List

+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: Help making an E>J poem translation fit a syllable pattern?

  1. #1
    Senior Member
    AnimeLyrics Admin
    bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin's Avatar
    Gil
    26,477.54
    Gender
    Gifts Neko Tv Baby Penguin Stopwatch
    Mentioned
    14 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    09-13-2014 04:38 PM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Mars
    Threads
    89
    Posts
    368
    AL Lyrics
    308
    Rep Power
    21

    Default Help making an E>J poem translation fit a syllable pattern?

    An acquaintance of mine has requested a bit of poetry translated from English to Japanese for a project she's doing. I've dashed off a prose translation as follows:

    いつかは死ぬと分かる
    私を見えずに
    すれ違う人
    蝉のように
    はかない一生を通じて鳴く

    However, she wants it in 5/7/5/7/7, and I'm having trouble trimming it down. I would very much appreciate any advice.

    I'm not including the original text since I think she'd rather I didn't spread it around, but I am happy to clarify what I'm trying to get at. To clear up in advance a few points that are vague, the "people passing by" are meant to be plural, and the speaker -- who is a ghost -- knows that they will someday die (not that she will, since she already has).

    Thanks in advance!

  2. #2
    Is A Girl ;)
    AnimeLyrics Admin
    LavaBug has a reputation beyond repute LavaBug has a reputation beyond repute LavaBug has a reputation beyond repute LavaBug has a reputation beyond repute LavaBug has a reputation beyond repute LavaBug has a reputation beyond repute LavaBug has a reputation beyond repute LavaBug has a reputation beyond repute LavaBug has a reputation beyond repute LavaBug has a reputation beyond repute LavaBug has a reputation beyond repute LavaBug's Avatar
    Gil
    100,357,064.80
    Gender
    Gifts Cake Fuuko Starfish
    Mentioned
    24 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    02-14-2014 10:22 AM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    西中島南方
    Age
    33
    Threads
    39
    Posts
    628
    Blog Entries
    29
    AW Wallpapers
    31
    Rep Power
    811

    Default Re: Help making an E>J poem translation fit a syllable pattern?

    I'm not entirely sure it's all grammatically correct (or in any way correct at all) but I give it a try:
    How about shi beki hito (死べき人) for the first line
    in the second line pehaps just cut the "ni" at the end
    I'm not sure what "sure chigau hit"o is supposed to mean exactly if that's the 'passing by' part how about just:
    過ぎ行ける (subject being still the people from before...this implies the passing by of humans, also means dying in a far sense...according to dictionary)
    as for the last part I'm rather out of ideas...my best try would be to forego the cicada part (never thought *I* said anything about ignoring cicadas though :P) and go for something like:
    zutto (or itsumo) hakanai  ずっと儚い (could also be "naku" instead of nai...I think it would make it more lyric...'ish...but nai sound better here imho)
    sei wo nageku yo 生を嘆くよ(the yo is for emphasis also the make the syllable count complete :P)

    Hope that helped at least a bit...If not, it at least distracted me from cleaning up my room ^^
    Last edited by LavaBug; 12-05-2010 at 03:48 PM.

    ___________________________________________
    Spammers busted:

  3. #3
    Roarrrrrrrrrrr!
    AnimeLyrics Admin
    animeyay has a reputation beyond repute animeyay has a reputation beyond repute animeyay has a reputation beyond repute animeyay has a reputation beyond repute animeyay has a reputation beyond repute animeyay has a reputation beyond repute animeyay has a reputation beyond repute animeyay has a reputation beyond repute animeyay has a reputation beyond repute animeyay has a reputation beyond repute animeyay has a reputation beyond repute animeyay's Avatar
    Gil
    3,334.46
    Gender
    My Mood
    Lurking
    Gifts Be Mine 143 - Snorlax Cookie
    Mentioned
    752 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    03-09-2013 08:56 AM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Maryland, USA
    Age
    26
    Threads
    16
    Posts
    4,791
    AL Lyrics
    1032
    Rep Power
    12260

    Default Re: Help making an E>J poem translation fit a syllable pattern?

    The MAIN problem is that you're trying to squeeze waaaaaaaay too much information into just 31 syllables. Japanese, being the very polysyllabic language it is, would require a lot more syllables to express something as poetically elegant as what you have there. So, trimming away a lot of its beauty, I'll give you what I have:

    ひそやかに
    わたしが見てる
    ひとびとは
    ただ生きていく
    いつか死ぬのに

    Yes, I know it probably sounds like kindergarten Japanese compared to your original. I got rid of the cicada simile as well as "unable to see me" part. But like I said, there's just no possible way to keep it short AND elegant at the same time...

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    AnimeLyrics Admin
    bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin has much to be proud of bluepenguin's Avatar
    Gil
    26,477.54
    Gender
    Gifts Neko Tv Baby Penguin Stopwatch
    Mentioned
    14 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    09-13-2014 04:38 PM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Location
    Mars
    Threads
    89
    Posts
    368
    AL Lyrics
    308
    Rep Power
    21

    Default Re: Help making an E>J poem translation fit a syllable pattern?

    Thank you both! I know it's pretty impossible to cram all that information into a poem this short; I'll have to explain this to the person I'm translating for and see whether the structure or the content is more important to her. Regardless, I really appreciate your suggestions and will take them into account.

+ Reply to Thread

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

     

Similar Threads

  1. Umm, anyone here sew? I'm looking for a traditional bento bag pattern
    By maskedrose in forum Miscellaneous Miscellany
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 08-13-2010, 02:15 PM
  2. Pattern Tutorial ~
    By .Lovebeat in forum Tutorials
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 05-28-2007, 07:44 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts