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Thread: a prose in need of critique/opinions

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    Senior Member Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor's Avatar
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    Default a prose in need of critique/opinions

    Well, this idea got stuck in my head, so I decided to write it on a .rtf file to see if it's worth anything. copypasta comes here, feel free to mock it or laugh at it, as long as you tell me what's actually wrong with it. (more will be posted in the future)

    My girlfriend is a teen idol?!?

    There are two types of men. Men who live their lives with their feet on the ground and men who live their lives dreaming with their heads high up in the clouds. This particular boy was the latter type. A 17-year-old high school student who barely noticed the world around him. Each day after school he’d come to the music room to play his electric guitar. He wasn’t even in a music club or a school band, because at the moment the school didn’t have one and right now and the music room was largely unused. But such things did not stop this boy from dreaming. With his black, messy hair, a plain face and an untidy school blazer, he dragged his feet towards the music room, carrying his electric guitar in a big, dark guitar bag on his shoulder.

    But today something was different, as the boy stepped in to the music room, he heard a voice singing. A girl’s voice, singing of sweet feelings, like marshmallows or strawberries. Simply put, a teen idol song common in pop these days.

    “Sorry to interrupt you, but mind if I use the music room as well?”
    “Go to… Umm… Not at all. Please go ahead.”
    The boy carried on, setting up his electric guitar.
    “You have a nice voice for an amateur, but it’s a funny song. Is that a song from some teen idol or whatever they were called?”

    The boy wasn’t looking at the girl’s face but if he had been, one could have told that she was very pissed. ‘Me, an amateur?!?’ was what was going through that girl’s head at that moment. As a matter of fact, the song she sang was one of her own. This girl, with short blond hair, cute face and a nicely developed body was the teen idol, Tsukasa Ai. Her fame was also a well-known fact in this school, it was just that the boy, Haruto Saki was one of the few people who were not aware of this fact. ‘Hmm, could it be that this boy has no idea who I am? Well, it could actually be refreshing to be treated like a commoner for once’ With these kinds of thoughts, the girl decided to keep her identity as a secret from the boy.

    “Hey, you mind playing something for me to sing to? Neither of us will be able to practice if our sounds do not mix.”
    “Sure, but I only know rock and stuff.”
    The boy played a melody from an old rock ballad, telling the story of a girl with a broken heart. Strangely enough, the girl also knew the song and her voice also matched it perfectly, even better than her own songs.

    “ That was some beautiful singing, it’s hard to believe you’re just an amateur.”
    “Oh well… But moreover, your playing was terrible”
    “So, you can actually tell? To be honest, I’m too lazy to study any music notes, so I just play what I’ve heard. I’m just a dreamer without a band or anything, after all.”
    “And you’ll stay as one, if you keep thinking like that”
    “You’re harsher than what I initially thought. Singing a song like that, I thought you’d be a sweet girl, but you’re actually quite rough.”
    “Is that an insult?”
    “I didn’t it mean it as one, it’s just that people tend to live their lives wearing all kinds of masks, never being honest about their true nature. I think you showed me your real self when you sang that rock ballad and it was much more beautiful than any lousy teen idol song.”

    A silence fell in to the room and the girl blushed slightly for a moment. However, just then, a phone call she received broke the silence.
    “Sorry, I’ve got to take this, see you tomorrow at school again.”
    “Sure, but say, I didn’t even happen to catch your name.”
    But It was too late, as the girl was already gone.
    Last edited by Desulishor; 10-30-2010 at 04:04 PM.
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