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Thread: a prose in need of critique/opinions

  1. #1
    Senior Member Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default a prose in need of critique/opinions

    Well, this idea got stuck in my head, so I decided to write it on a .rtf file to see if it's worth anything. copypasta comes here, feel free to mock it or laugh at it, as long as you tell me what's actually wrong with it. (more will be posted in the future)

    My girlfriend is a teen idol?!?

    There are two types of men. Men who live their lives with their feet on the ground and men who live their lives dreaming with their heads high up in the clouds. This particular boy was the latter type. A 17-year-old high school student who barely noticed the world around him. Each day after school he’d come to the music room to play his electric guitar. He wasn’t even in a music club or a school band, because at the moment the school didn’t have one and right now and the music room was largely unused. But such things did not stop this boy from dreaming. With his black, messy hair, a plain face and an untidy school blazer, he dragged his feet towards the music room, carrying his electric guitar in a big, dark guitar bag on his shoulder.

    But today something was different, as the boy stepped in to the music room, he heard a voice singing. A girl’s voice, singing of sweet feelings, like marshmallows or strawberries. Simply put, a teen idol song common in pop these days.

    “Sorry to interrupt you, but mind if I use the music room as well?”
    “Go to… Umm… Not at all. Please go ahead.”
    The boy carried on, setting up his electric guitar.
    “You have a nice voice for an amateur, but it’s a funny song. Is that a song from some teen idol or whatever they were called?”

    The boy wasn’t looking at the girl’s face but if he had been, one could have told that she was very pissed. ‘Me, an amateur?!?’ was what was going through that girl’s head at that moment. As a matter of fact, the song she sang was one of her own. This girl, with short blond hair, cute face and a nicely developed body was the teen idol, Tsukasa Ai. Her fame was also a well-known fact in this school, it was just that the boy, Haruto Saki was one of the few people who were not aware of this fact. ‘Hmm, could it be that this boy has no idea who I am? Well, it could actually be refreshing to be treated like a commoner for once’ With these kinds of thoughts, the girl decided to keep her identity as a secret from the boy.

    “Hey, you mind playing something for me to sing to? Neither of us will be able to practice if our sounds do not mix.”
    “Sure, but I only know rock and stuff.”
    The boy played a melody from an old rock ballad, telling the story of a girl with a broken heart. Strangely enough, the girl also knew the song and her voice also matched it perfectly, even better than her own songs.

    “ That was some beautiful singing, it’s hard to believe you’re just an amateur.”
    “Oh well… But moreover, your playing was terrible”
    “So, you can actually tell? To be honest, I’m too lazy to study any music notes, so I just play what I’ve heard. I’m just a dreamer without a band or anything, after all.”
    “And you’ll stay as one, if you keep thinking like that”
    “You’re harsher than what I initially thought. Singing a song like that, I thought you’d be a sweet girl, but you’re actually quite rough.”
    “Is that an insult?”
    “I didn’t it mean it as one, it’s just that people tend to live their lives wearing all kinds of masks, never being honest about their true nature. I think you showed me your real self when you sang that rock ballad and it was much more beautiful than any lousy teen idol song.”

    A silence fell in to the room and the girl blushed slightly for a moment. However, just then, a phone call she received broke the silence.
    “Sorry, I’ve got to take this, see you tomorrow at school again.”
    “Sure, but say, I didn’t even happen to catch your name.”
    But It was too late, as the girl was already gone.
    Last edited by Desulishor; 10-30-2010 at 04:04 PM.
    We are Pop Candy, very happy! ^--^

  2. #2
    May precipitate OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud has a reputation beyond repute OminousCloud's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Re: a prose in need of critique/opinions

    You've doubled up on after school. "Each day after school he’d come to the music room after school to play his electric guitar."

    "Neither of us won’t be able to practice if our sound does not mix." should be neither of us will... and sounds do not...

    It's alright, a little too pragmatic, you can afford to be more vague in some areas.


    Tru Fax: Princess Minako wrestled Jesus... and won










  3. #3
    Senior Member Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor's Avatar
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    Default Re: a prose in need of critique/opinions

    well, thx for pointin out the grammar mistakes, but the part about being more vague in some areas is a bit... What you mean is that i should leave more to the reader's imagination? So good parts to leave out are stuff like looks and other descriptions. I just find it hard to leave em out, cause If i happen to like the final result of this story, I might make artwork or a kinetic visual novel out of it. edited, sum more stuff:

    The next morning, a certain boy was opening his shoebox just like any other morning, but what was about to follow, would be anything but usual.

    ”Good morning!”
    ”Eh… you’re from yesterday… That’s right, I didn’t even catch your name”
    ”Tsukasa Ai, I have to go now, but I’ll see you after school!”
    ”Sure, ah, I’m Haruto, Haruto Saki”
    ”I’ll see you around, Haruto-kun”
    ”Okay”

    And when the boy walked into his classroom, the uproar was enormous.
    ”Oi, did you see what happened this morning? Haruto was greeted by a girl and not just any girl, but the school idol, Tsukasa Ai.”
    ”What, seriously?”
    ”Oh yeah, and they mentioned something about yesterday, just what did you do to get so familiar with her?”
    ”Well, um…”
    ”And what was with that familiar way of addressing? Like: ’Haruto-kun’…

    And meanwhile a certain girl was pondering: ’Ah, forgot about my fame, that greeting could have gotten him in trouble…’ ’Oh well, at least he’ll finally realize who I am. I was getting tired of being called an amateur, pisses me off, like who does he think he is, and why can he see something that others never even realized?’

    Later on, at lunch break, the boy who was usually dreaming even while chewing lunch bread was looking intensely at the table where Tsukasa and her closest female friends were sitting. But unlike so many other boys, his interests were based purely on curiosity. ’Wow, while she is cute and sings well, I would have never guessed that she’d be a famous idol. But that smile she’s putting on just now is so fake, yet no one else seems to notice. I guess keeping a good image is also a part of an idol’s job.’

    Slowly, the commotion wore down and by after school time, that certain boy was once again, walking towards the music room like usual.
    ”Oh, look at that, it’s the famous teen idol, Tsukasa Ai, what a lucky guy I am, to hear her singing.”
    ”Shut up”
    ”That’s more like it, doesn’t it feel better, when you talk straight, not putting up a fake smile like you do all the time during school.”
    ”Well, yeah. But it’s not like it can be helped, I have to live with this image, it’s my job now.”
    ”How did you get involved in such business in the first place and wouldn’t a girl like you be better suited to singing rock songs and stuff like that?”
    ”I’ve always loved singing, so I just sang with my fullest whenever I had the chance, and then in middle school music class, I suddenly found out that I had been scouted for a teen idol project.”
    ”And then they forced you into a ready-made mold, practically forcing you to wear a mask in the public.”
    ”Hey, even if you’re right, stop talking about it like you’re mocking everything I’ve achieved until now, and it’s not like you’d know what my real feelings are either!”
    ”Yeah, maybe I said too much, sorry…”
    But it was too late yet again as the girl was already gone.

    That certain boy had been worried over things he said, but it seems he was worried for nothing as Tsukasa Ai graced his morning with her presence yet again.
    ”Haruto-kun, I’m sorry about yesterday.”
    ”It’s nothing, or rather, I was at fault too.”
    ”(Whispering) I’ll talk to you in the library at lunch break.”
    And as one could guess, the uproar in Haruto’s class was even bigger than last time.
    ”And just what was all that about, apologizing like you’ve fought over something? Could it be that you’re already doing this and that with her and that you went too fast?”
    ”It’s not like that…”
    ”Haruto, If you ever make Tsukasa cry, I will tear you to pieces, limb by limb…”

    Later on, in a certain school library.
    ”Have you made sure no one else is here? If someone else sees us talking, I’ll never hear the end of it”
    ”There shouldn’t be anyone else here, I think”
    ”In any case, you sure know how to make my life harder, each and every time they see me with you, I become the center of attention at my class.”
    ”Don’t those people have anything else to think about?”
    ”Apparently not, so could you stop greeting me at school? You see, they misunderstood the whole thing, thinking that I’m dating you or something like that.”
    ”What?!? There’s no way such a thing… I just like being with you because I don’t have to pretend anything, that’s all.”
    ”Haah… I want my peaceful school days back.”
    ”Then, If I leave you alone during school, can we meet sometime this weekend?”
    ”Wouldn’t that be even a bigger problem? You’re still an idol, you know.”
    ”I’ll come with up something, just don’t be late.”
    Last edited by Desulishor; 10-25-2010 at 02:04 PM.
    We are Pop Candy, very happy! ^--^

  4. #4
    Senior Member Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor's Avatar
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    Default Re: a prose in need of critique/opinions

    and sum more... (gotta post this sumwhere else once it's complete)

    A certain Sunday afternoon, in front of a certain café.
    ”Haruto, you’re late!”
    ”It’s precisely 13:00, I’m just being punctual.”
    ”But it’s the boy who’s supposed to wait for the girl.”
    ”That applies only to dates, moreover, is that terrible sun hat supposed to work as a disguise?”
    ”Like you’d have the right to complain, mister I-don’t-want-to-seen-with-a-teen-idol.”
    ”Well, it’s better to avoid such misunderstandings, those rumors would be troublesome for you too, since probably over half of your fan base is men.”

    A waiter bringing 2 classes of water interrupted the heated debate.
    ”Can I take your order?”
    ”I’ll have a coffee with milk.”
    ”I’ll take the same.”
    ”Thank you, I’ll bring them in a minute.”

    ”Sometimes I hate being stuck with this contract, it limits my private life so much.”
    ”Hmm… yet an average person would still be jealous of your situation.”
    ”Yeah, but only because they don’t know what I really have to deal with. Moreover, isn’t this coffee ridiculously overpriced?”
    ”You really are a different person when you don’t have to protect your image.”
    ”Then would you prefer to see me act like I do in school? Like: ’Ooh, that is so cute, where did you get that?’ (changing her voice)”
    ”Nah, that’s not right either, what I’d like to see is your real smile, like that time in the music room”
    The girl’s face blushed from embarrassment.
    ”Ah… Sorry, but I can't show a real smile when someone simply asks for it.”
    ”Then let’s go somewhere…”

    The boy left some money at the table and grabbed the girl’s arm dragging her out to the street.
    ”Hey, where are we going?”
    ”Isn’t it obvious? To rent a karaoke box.”

    Some minutes later…
    ”The box is all yours for the next 2 hours, you can use the phone to order drinks and snacks if you’d like to.”
    ”Thanks.”
    ”Hey Haruto, how about you starting? I want to hear just how much you suck.”
    ”Heh, you asked for it…”

    ”Why did it have to be Uchuu Tetsujin Kyodaijin?”
    ”Sorry, it’s the only song I really know. Playing stuff with my guitar is a different matter, though.”
    ”Well, now it’s my turn.”
    ”Wow, that was really beautiful.”
    ”You haven’t heard a thing yet, ookay. This one’s next…”
    About 2 hours and many more songs later.
    ”That was fun, let’s meet again at the music room”
    ”Sure.”
    We are Pop Candy, very happy! ^--^

  5. #5
    Senior Member Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor's Avatar
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    Default Re: a prose in need of critique/opinions

    and sum more, thinks it needs 1 or 2 more after it's done.

    As their next meeting slowly drew closer both of them were getting worried in their own way.
    Haruto was thinking: ’ Back then, I took her hand and practically told her ”I want to see your smile more”. That’s practically like a confession. But dating her would cause all sorts of trouble and she probably has higher standards too. It’s just that her real smile is so cute, I can’t help myself…’
    And meanwhile Tsukasa thought: ’I just can’t make up my mind… What does Haruto mean to me? I really enjoy being with him, because she knows me like no-one else does. The only person who knows the real me… If I showed my entire self to him would he fall for me?’

    And so, the two met again in the music room. But somehow, neither of them was able to open the conversation. But while setting up his electric guitar, Haruto somehow managed to stumble and fall on Tsukasa. She lied on her back, staring right at Haruto.
    ”Aaah, sorry, I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to!”
    As Haruto tried to get up, he felt a tug in his sleeve. Tsukasa was holding his sleeve, too embarrassed to even look at his face.
    ”Please, don’t go yet, I want you to look at me. You’re the only one who knows the real me, so please, look at me more!”
    For a short while the two stared at each other with their faces red.
    ”Sorry Haruto, for saying such a weird thing all of a sudden, I’m going to head home early today.”

    The next day, Haruto decided to ask some for some advice.
    ”Kenta, Toji, what do you think it means if a girl tells you to look at her more?”
    ”Oi oi, Haruto, you bastard! You’re already dating Tsukasa yet you still look at other girls?”
    ”You’re misunderstanding something here. Look, let me explain the whole situation from the beginning…”
    ”Hmm… So that was that whole story? From what I can tell, it’s obvious that she likes you.”
    ”I’d say that too.”
    ”What?!?”
    ”You’re probably the most oblivious guy in Japan, Haruto.”
    ”But listen up, this is where you need to get it right. So, on lunch break go and drop a note at the music room. Normally she’d arrive there before you and then read it…”
    ”Are you talking about a love letter? Why should I send her such a thing, I’m not even…”
    ”Take some fricking responsibility, you spineless idiot! Are you saying that the idol of our school, no, the whole Japan, is not good enough for you?”
    ”It’s not that, I just don’t want to cause her any trouble, a teen idol can't really have a relationship.”
    ”Love comes before such small things, now go! I, as a man, will not allow you to make Ai-chan unhappy!”


    And so, having followed his friend’s advice, Haruto was waiting for her at the school roof. Classes had ended half an hour ago so it was obvious by now that she either didn’t want to come in the first place or was late for some unknown reason. More time passed, and Haruto continued to wait alone. Sitting at the rooftop and staring at the sunset, he thought about his own feelings while trying to guess hers. Then suddenly, someone covered his eyes from behind.
    ”Guess who?”
    ”Tsukasa, what are you doing all of a sudden?”
    ”Well, when I read your note, I sort of knew what was coming up. At first, I was really embarrassed and I didn’t know what to do. But then I started thinking and when I realized what a big cliché this whole situation was, I decided to spice it up a little bit.”
    ” Heh, that’s certainly like you. Then you already know why I invited you here?”
    ”Yeah, so let’s hear it then.”
    ”Tsukasa, I love you.”
    ”I love you too, Haruto”
    And the two lovers kissed and held each other, with the setting sun as a background…
    We are Pop Candy, very happy! ^--^

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