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Thread: Soul-Shattering

  1. #1
    Artistic Muse Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin's Avatar
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    Default Soul-Shattering

    Soul-Shattering
    Withered writings on your face
    Tell me nothing
    But that look on your face
    It tells me everything

    I always wanted to say I'm sorry
    Not for what I've done
    But for the pain I could not
    take away from you
    And make it my own
    If that would make you happy
    I would be okay with daily misery.

    That mask, it hides nothing
    Your eyes always show me
    that there's something more
    to you. Something soul-shattering
    You're so beautiful, don't you know?
    Your eyes, my darling, they glow.

    Your complexion lights up the darkest of rooms
    This suspense, this longing
    I just can't take this
    If you ever said you were worthless
    You've only been telling yourself a lie

    Stop living life in a lie
    When you can be in a paradise. In your eyes
    is where I find mine.


  2. #2
    Ellxeeva's Minion SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Re: Soul-Shattering

    I really liked the imagery and the word choice was excellent. There were times though where you would stop a sentence half way and continued it on another line. Seemed to sway the poem a different way, like the rhythm. Try and keep the same line of thought going until you hit a pause, otherwise the sentence is forcefully broken. Like example of what I mean.
    Which sounds better:
    You are the one I love,
    I love you. You're the one I just want just
    want to kiss you.
    or
    You are the one I love,
    I love you.
    You are the one I just want...
    Just want to kiss you.
    (terrible example, I know).

    Like in the last part of the poem, you could have written the part "In your eyes" along with the rest of the bottom part. If you wan to give it effect you can write it as. "In your eyes...is where I find mine". Or whatever you think feels appropriate. Hope I helped. Or um...hopefully I didn't ruin you poem....sorry.
    Last edited by SigmaSD; 10-06-2010 at 04:26 AM.
    If Minecraft had a Japanese intro.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=H5qFZjuKet4

    |Set made by Neukifly|

    Super Saiyan Dango


  3. #3
    Artistic Muse Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Soul-Shattering

    Thanks for the feedback and suggestions! I appreciate it.


  4. #4
    Ellxeeva's Minion SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD's Avatar
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    Default Re: Soul-Shattering

    I am glad you're writing poetry though. Sometimes some of us go through dry spells and can't come up with anything.

    What I like about your poem though is that you're willing to absorb someone else's pain and make it your own. You want to make them happier even if it makes you sadder. Sometimes love is like that at times. However, take too much depression from the other person and then it will be the other person comforting you.
    If Minecraft had a Japanese intro.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=H5qFZjuKet4

    |Set made by Neukifly|

    Super Saiyan Dango


  5. #5
    Kirako's medic soldier Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com's Avatar
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    Default Re: Soul-Shattering

    oh yeah. One of the things i missed the most besides my fellow poets in AF is Kirei's poems. It always gets me. I always get them. I sure am glad that Kirei is still writing. You're one of the only freestylers here. Its like whenever i think of writing a poems, i always use cheap rhymes. Your poems barely rhyme but its great. I love it. I totally get the feel of this poem seriously. Theres so much words to describe how i feel about all your poems as a poet and as a reader but i've said enough for now.

  6. #6
    Ruler of Fire ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac's Avatar
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    Default Re: Soul-Shattering

    OH WOW now this is one hell of thing I missed here.

    Nice use of words kirei ,I totally love it and start to this poem get's the reader in the poem ,so awesome start.

    My fav part was this para totally fabulous.

    "Your complexion lights up the darkest of rooms
    This suspense, this longing
    I just can't take this
    If you ever said you were worthless
    You've only been telling yourself a lie"

    ya it's been a long time man forum changed a lot
    night and kirei, sigma good to be back
    Last edited by ultra_maniac; 10-09-2010 at 04:14 AM.
    ~ai~rox~

    Thanks teed for the site info

  7. #7
    Artistic Muse Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Soul-Shattering

    Night and ultra: thank you so much for your kind words! I've missed you two so much. I always appreciated the fact that you have always read my poetry and supported me.


  8. #8
    Ruler of Fire ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac's Avatar
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    Default Re: Soul-Shattering

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirei22 View Post
    Night and ultra: thank you so much for your kind words! I've missed you two so much. I always appreciated the fact that you have always read my poetry and supported me.
    well I missed you too.
    and about the support thing we will support our fellow poets and friends

    Now about poem there is thing or too minor flaws not actually flaws, but can affect this poem is some sentences over here like

    "You've only been telling yourself a lie"

    Now to read it comfortably

    "you've only been lying to yourself"

    sounds much better thats my opinion off course

    and one more

    "Stop living life in a lie"

    If you put "your" in between "living and life" sounds gracious.
    Last edited by ultra_maniac; 10-09-2010 at 06:45 AM.
    ~ai~rox~

    Thanks teed for the site info

  9. #9
    Artistic Muse Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin's Avatar
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    Default Re: Soul-Shattering

    Thanks for the suggestions!!


  10. #10
    Stuck in Love's Capture Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara's Avatar
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    Default Re: Soul-Shattering

    Another great poem Kirei! As ones have said above, good imagery is used ^^

    Amazing set by
    Ezza Obsuna ^^

    The days fly by and the feelings remain
    So far away and causing us pain
    That's okay we'll make it through
    Soon we'll get to say "I love you"



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