Spirit Wolf (Original-continuous)

[Kaname Shikara]

This is the characters bios and the story introduction to the book I've been working on since I was about 11. I need honest critique >.<


CHARACTERS:


Karu[car-oo] Mitzerugi[mits-er-oo-gee]
Gender: Male
Age: 15
Height: 5ft-6in
Weight: 130 pounds
Eye color: Green
Hair color: Black
Qualities: Short tempered, arrogant at times, but also can be sweet.
Likes: Training
Dislikes: When Kaname is injured or upset.
Good or bad character: Good.

Kaname[ka-nah-may] Shikara[shi-car-uh]
Gender: Female
Age: 15
Height: 5ft-4in
Weight: 115 pounds
Eye color: Light blue with light purple around it
Hair color: White
Qualities: Wolf ears, wolf tail, wolf fangs. Charges into things sometimes. She is Kanome's twin.
Likes: Training and hiking.
Dislikes: When Karu is mad.
Good or bad character: Good. She is the reincarnation of the mighty spirit wolf, which is why she has wolf characteristics and white hair.

Kanome[ka-no-may] Shikara[shi-car-uh]
Gender: Female
Age: 15
Height: 5ft-4in
Weight: 115 pounds
Eye color: Light blue
Hair color: Black
Qualities: Playful at times, tolerant when it's not Sako, and shy. Her twin is Kaname.
Likes: To get on Kaname's nerves.
Dislikes: Sako at first.
Good or bad character: Good.

Shishe[shih-she]
Gender: Male
Age: 5
Height: Medium
Weight: 50 pounds
Eye color: Blue and green
Hair color: Black and white fur
Qualities: Very protective and mysterious. He is a demon wolf.
Likes: To adventure.
Dislikes: To be away from Kaname and Kanome for long periods of time.
Good or bad character: Good.

Hirata[here-uh-ta] Zimechi[zim-e-chi]
Gender: Female
Age: 14
Height: 5ft-2in
Weight: 105 pounds
Eye color: Dark green
Hair color: Brown
Qualities: "Forgetful" and a thief.
Likes: To steal things and pretend she didn't.
Dislikes: When found out.
Good or bad character: Good? Both?

Miyuki[my-u-key] Ochiwa[o-chi-wah]
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Height: 5ft-9in
Weight: 165 pounds
Eye color: Deep red
Hair color: Black with white markings
Qualities: Evil smirk when thinking of his next plan. Tricky. He is Sako's cousin.
Likes: To hurt and kill others. Torture.
Dislikes: People with good intentions.
Good or bad character: Bad. He is the demon that terrorizes lands.

Sako[saw-ko] Ushima[oo-she-mah]
Gender: Male
Age: 16
Height: 5ft-6in
Weight: 140 pounds
Eye color: Hazel
Hair color: Black
Qualities: Perverse...very much so toward Kanome. He is Miyuki's cousin.
Likes: Kanome.
Dislikes: Being turned down by Kanome.
Good or bad character: Bad at first.


INTRODUCTION:

In a land of constant feudal war and destruction, a child named Karu was born. He was very talented as well as gifted for his young age. He remained undefeated until the age of 10 where he finally met his match. He fought this well versed demon named Miyuki who was only two years older than him. Miyuki slaughtered Karu's mother and father and left Karu to suffer. From that moment on, Karu vowed to get Miyuki back for the horrors he's done to his land and to so many before his. His dearest friends, Kaname and Kanome's parents were killed by Miyuki as well. Kaname and Kanome were left with a little demon wolf cub by their parents as a present to treasure just before they died. Kaname and Kanome are twins, but Kaname has a different hair color and an extra color to her eyes because she is the reincarnation of the spirit wolf, the protector of the forest. They named their demon wolf cub Shishe. Now, five years later, here we are in the forest of Kanuga...

[Desulishor]

hmm... sounds original and fresh at the least. I spy a lot of potential romances here, so, of course i'd be interested in reading the actual story. As for the critique:

Karu: Nothing that particularly sets me off, I like it when male chars have at least a little flaws in their character. (arrogance)
Kaname: Sounds like a girl with character, not a fan of helpless Sues, so plusses for that, and the idea feels somewhat original too (well, there's spice and wolf, but no demons there) Her character should be wild in the right way, like a wolf, since she was raised by them, so make sure not to make her too human at first.
Kanome: Sometimes the other twin might feel like an obligational character, but again, sound like she has her own characteristics and her relationship to sako will prolly be important too
Shishe: Animal character, i see. Fits the whole wolf theme, so nothing to complain about, wonders if he can talk?
Hirata: Not much revealed here, wondering what her part in all this will eventually be, but again, it's a girl with character.
Miuyki: Weird name here... I believe that's a female name (japanese name sites give no returns but there is a female character named like that in Lucky Star.)
Sako: A semi-bad character with a unrequited love... not bad either.

The synopsis leaves one wondering how do the battles take place... one would think of spiritual battles, since a 10-year-old can't handle a sword either. (weight of the metal and all) Also, the fact that the bad guy goes around leaving potential opponents alive seems illogical to me, but settings like that are a stable in shounen mangas, so i guess it's all about how the actual story is told. If Miuyki is a type who enjoys to see ppl suffering, then leaving a child alone is kind of explainable, but the cynicist in me will keep wondering why he didn't kill his enemies when he had the chance... But I guess the story would never go anywhere without this little illogicality, so no real need to pay attention to my ramblings here.

In any case, this is about all I can say with just "unofficial" material, but I'd say I'm interested. Once you have chapters to post, it would be a good idea to make an account to fictionpress or some other site that let's a wider audience to read and review your stories, If you need beta reading, help or more opinions before posting into public, you can ask me, as I do some writing myself. PM, or even add me in skype if you have it. (well, it's free and easy to use, my username is demofd)

[Kaname Shikara]

Shishe can't talk, but there's a surprise in chapter 3 that I wont spoil o.o and Hirata is plain lazy and unmotivated for anything but stealing and lying XD the thing with Miyuki is, I thought it was a gender interchangeable name o.o since in Yu-Yu-Hakusho there is a guy named Miyuki....though of course, the Miyuki in Yu-Yu-Hakusho was a cross dresser....my Miyuki isn't XD Karu could handle a sword very well at 10 because his parents were big on training him when he was younger, they wanted him to be able to protect the ones he loves in the future. The main reason why Miyuki spared Karu is because he saw a potentiality great opponent in him that needed to be awakened because it wasn't strong enough at age 10.

I will most likely ask you for more opinions in the near future ^^ thank you for reading it and giving honest critique.

[Kaname Shikara]

I write in a sort of screenplay format because to me it's more fun to read it that way. Critique please >.<


CHAPTER 1-Karu's Realization


(In the forest of Kanuga by Karu's place)

Kaname: Karu, hey Karu...are you home?
Karu: .....
Kaname: Karu!
Karu: What Kaname? I'm busy.
Kaname: I want to play today Karu, let's go have fun in the forest.
Karu: *Sighs* just go away, I'm not in the mood.
Kaname: I've been worried about you. All you have done is keep yourself shut in your house.
I get lonely... *Sulks away, saddened*
(Karu's thoughts: Man, she's so annoying. Never stops bugging me, every day it's the same thing)

(By the big tree next to Karu's house)

Kaname: Why does he act like such a kid?
Kanome: Huh? Who?
Kaname: Karu!
Kanome: Sorry, you don't have to chew my ear off!
Shishe: *Growls and twitches ears*
Kaname: Just shut up for a moment Kanome...I think I hear someone *Twitches ears*
Kanome: Hm? I don't hear anything.

(A big gust of wind surrounds the area)

Miyuki: Well hello there you two, not like you to let your guard down Kaname *Smirks*
Kanome: It's Miyuki!
Kaname: We can see that Kanome.
Miyuki: Tsk. Tsk. Why fight yourselves when you have an enemy right here in front of you?
Hah, don't you know it's rude to turn away from someone while they're talking?
You'll pay for your insolence! *Pulls out sword and charges at Kaname*
Karu: *Opens his door to find Kaname cornered* Kaname, lookout! *Runs at full speed and unsheathes sword just in time*

*Clang*

Sako: *Hangs upside down in a tree* wow, he sure is fast Miyuki.
Karu: Leave, now!
Miyuki: Of course, we're not ready to defeat you just yet...you've yet to be awakened *Vanishes in a dark fog*
Sako: Bye Kanome *Steals a kiss* *Runs after Miyuki*
Kanome: Ew, my face *Balls up fists*
Kaname: *Fumes* get over it.
Karu: One of these days, Miyuki is going to hurt one of us badly. We've got to keep our guard up.
Kaname: We know, we know *Bends down to pet Shishe*

(At Miyuki's lair)

Miyuki: Sako, I said do you remember the plan?
Sako: Right...
Miyuki: What the hell are you doing?
Sako: *Kisses someone and rubs his hand on her thigh* wha, huh? Oh Miyuki, this is no one, don't worry.
Girl: So I'm no one huh? Goodbye Sako!
Sako: Uh, hey wait!
Miyuki: You don't really care about that girl, do you?
Sako: *Sigh* no, not really. I love Kanome, but she just thinks I'm a giant pervert.
Miyuki: Because you ARE a giant pervert. Really though, what do you want with Kanome?
She's in with Karu who wants to get rid of us.
Sako: *Stares at the ceiling, dazed* I don't care.
Miyuki: Are you daydreaming of doing perverse things to her?
Sako: *Chuckles*
Miyuki: You're sick. Perverse towards any girl. I'd hate to see how you are when you're older.
Sako: *Mocking tone* Oh yes, I'll become just like Miyuki, only more pervy.
Miyuki: That's not changing at all! Arg.
Sako: *Bends over laughing*

(Back at Kanuga)

Karu: Kaname, are you alright?
Kaname: Yeah I'm fine. Neither of them got near me.
Shishe: *Looks up at Kaname and whines*
Kaname: What is it Shishe?
Kanome: She's out of water.
Kaname: Oh, right *Gives Shishe water in a little bowl*
Kanome: You should have known, it was your turn today to take care of him anyway.
Kaname: I wasn't paying attention!
Karu: Girls, please stop fighting. It's like this quite often nowadays.
Kanome: You never pay attention Kaname!
Kaname:Kanome!
Kanome: What?
Kaname: Nothing...I'm going for a walk.
Karu: *Holds out hand* Kaname, wai-
Kanome: Fine then, see if I care.
Kaname: *Runs off*

(At a distance from the others)

Kaname: Kanome can be such a jerk...just like Karu at times. She expects people to remember everything!
Karu: *Leans on a tree* through yelling?
Kaname: Karu? *Hugs Karu tight*
(Karu's thoughts: She's hugging me..)
Karu: *Face beats red* um..so you and Kanome had another fight huh?
Kaname: *Folds arms* I guess you could say that.
Karu: Um, Kaname?
Kaname: *Looks up* Yeah Karu?
Karu: Uh, will you come with me? I...uh, have something to tell you.
Kaname: Well, okay.
(Karu's thoughts: What am I thinking? I can't tell her that I think I..)
Kaname: Karu can you hear me? Are you-
Karu: *Eyes wide* oh yeah, sorry about that. I was lost in thought. So, Kaname?
Kaname: Yes Karu?
(Karu's thoughts: Ugh..I give up, I can't tell her yet.)
Karu: Why not come back to my place? You should make up with Kanome.
Kaname: What?! Why?
Karu: It's not healthy to fight all the time. What's the main problem?
Kaname: *Sigh* it's just a twin thing.
Karu: Come on now, you fight with her way too much. You're sisters, family shouldn't fight.
Kaname: *Flustered look* so should I go back and talk with her?
Karu: *Smiles at Kaname* yes you should.
Kaname: *Looks down, blushing by his smile* but, what if she starts it again?
Karu: Deep down, she feels the same way, she hates it when you two argue.
Kaname: Okay, but please come with me.
Karu: Alright I'll come.
(Karu's thoughts: *sigh* oh Kaname..I can't tell you what I really want to say.)
Kaname: Karu, are you coming?
Karu: I'm right behind you *Reaches for her shoulder but draws back*

(At Karu's place, in the middle of Kanuga)

Kaname: Kanome?
Kanome: *Looks up* yeah Kaname?
Kaname: I'm sorry I overreacted.
Kanome: Me too, but what were we fighting about anyway?
Kaname: *Laughs* Never mind. Kanome, haven't you noticed that Sako doesn't seem as bad as Miyuki?
Kanome: What brought this discussion up?
Kaname: Just respond.
Kanome: Well, yeah I have noticed..but he's always trying to kiss me or touch my butt.
Kaname: Oh, just wondering. How about we spar a little? *Smiles*
Kanome: Sure, after that let's go to Hirata's to see if she has our swords *Evil eyes*
Kaname: Ha knowing her, she does have them.
Kanome: Alright get ready.
Kaname: I'm way ahead of you *Charges at Kanome*
Kanome: Gah *Dodges just in time*
Kaname: *Jumps on Kanome's back and makes her fall*
Kanome: *Winces* ow Kaname..
Karu: Enough playing around. You both know Hirata, she more than likely stole them and it would be best to go now.
Kaname: You're right Karu, let's go Kanome.

(Walking)

Kaname: Kanome, I don't understand why Hirata steals, even from her friends.
Kanome: Maybe to get attention *Rolls eyes*
Kaname: Hmph, she'll steal from anyone.
Kanome: I know, she can be real low sometimes.
Kaname: Yeah, and sometimes an even bigger jerk than you *Smiles wide*
Kanome: Oh be quiet.
Kaname: Hah, you know it's true.
Kanome: Well you're a jerk sometimes too.
Kaname: At least I would admit it *Pauses* there's Hirata.
Kanome: Hirata! *Waves*
Hirata: Oh, hi Kaname and Kanome.
Kaname: Do you know where our swords went? They were in sight last night, but when we woke up this morning they were gone.
Hirata: *Face gets red* Uhh, huh?
Kanome: *Becomes irritated* Where are they? More importantly, what would you ever do with them?
Hirata: Oh..those swords? They're gone, I kind of lost them *Sly smile*
Kaname: *Ears twitch and move down from anger* Hirata, enough with the excuses. You always lie to us!
Hirata: *Nervous laughter* oh, I do?
Kaname: Fine then, if you want to steal from your "friends" then I guess you don't have any *Walks away*
Hirata: Huh?! Wait, I found them!
Kanome: You mean you decided to give them to us?
Hirata: *Flinches* I'm sorry..I know that's wrong of me. I wont do it again..
Kaname: I hope not.. see you soon Hirata *Waves*
Hirata: *Smiles slightly and waves*

(Walking back to Karu)

Kaname: Well, this makes another time she's tried to steal from us. She shouldn't steal from her only friends.
Kanome: That's just how she is, at least we got them out of her.
Kaname: That's true, I'm glad too. I never want to lose this sword and I never want to lose Shishe.
Kanome: Yeah, these swords and Shishe are way too important.
Kaname: Kanome, what would you do if we ever lost Shishe?
Kanome: Huh? Why ask that Kaname..?
Kaname: It's just a question..if I was asked that, I would be like you, I wouldn't be able to reply.
Kanome: Well no sense in thinking about things that will never happen, so let's cheer up! Hey look up ahead.
Kaname: It's Karu *Smiles*
Karu: Hi Kaname *Returns the smile*
Kaname: Hi Karu. I'll be back later *Walks off*
Karu: *Skeptical look*
Hirata: *Walks up toward Kanome and mutters* I know I should stop stealing from them. Sometimes it's hard not to.
I guess they weren't too mad.
Kanome: What was that Hirata?
Hirata: Huh? Oh, no one. Just thinking out loud.
Kanome: Did you see Kaname? She was in a daze and just walked off a minute ago.
Hirata: No, where did she go?
Karu: *Annoyed sigh* I don't know.
(Karu's thoughts: I just hope she'll be okay..I think I love Kaname.)

[Desulishor]

well, been sum time since i posted, but i'm finally givin my thoughts on the first chapter.

Altough the screenplay format is your personal choice, I (and probably many other readers) are used to reading more detailed and novel-like material. In my mind, having a narrator, either an all-knowing one or the main protagonist, gives the story more length and depth. It let's you describe the action, reasons behind everything and the sceneries with more detail. Sometimes a narrator is what actually makes the story a pleasure to read like in Haruhi light novels that use Kyon as the narrating protagonist.

Characters and the turns of events: A fight that is quickly resolved, postponing the actual confrontation, well it shows the dynamic between the two parties at least. Sako's character seems like a funny one. Later on Kaname is acting like a tsundere (somehow I knew she'd turn out that way, but it's no problem for me since i like tsunderes newai) and we find out that Karu is the shy type in these things, but the choice to skip the whole "slowly developing feelings for the girl you've always known"-part was a bit strange one, guess I'm just stuck to traditions here, but I (and probably many other readers) enjoy such traditional developments and storytellin, as it let's you show the characters in various cute situations that are possible simply cause they care about each other, but do not realize the whole extent of their feelings yet. But again your call, cause
originality isn't half bad either. The twins compliment each other nicely, in other words, the fights and conversations that they can have as twins do make them interesting than just having a single character. Lastly we see small events that establish hirata's character as a fairly harmless prankster.

Well, these are my general thoughts, but you can ask me for more critique on specific things if needed.

[Kaname Shikara]

Ok, thank you ^^ I'll try writing it the narrative way, because like you said, it lets the author give more depth to the story.

[Desulishor]

lookin forward to it, remember that there are multiple types of narrators so if one does not work, try another one. Here's a link to a light novel translations site, in case you need some reference on how anime-like novels are usually narrated. http://www.baka-tsuki.org/project/in...Bakemonogatari