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Thread: Death Afterlife: Chapter 6

  1. #1
    Ellxeeva's Minion SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD's Avatar
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    Default Death Afterlife: Chapter 6

    In this part of the story we get to explore more of Mina's past. I didn't realize it until now, but I guess I could have incorporated it in Chapter 3, except I wanted to have a chapter where Sain questions Mina's behavior.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Chapter 6

    From then on we would always find time to talk to each other. Lunch was taken over by conversations about stuff we did when we were little or what others probably thought about us. We would talk so much that we would even forget to finish our lunch. During labs we would talk and talk that we would often be the last two people to leave, though we never heard any complains from Mr. Jacobs. In fact, there were times when the rest of the class would quiet down just to hear our conversations. It was pretty entertaining for me and it was definitely better now that I had someone to talk to. However, our friendship wasn’t the most perfect one either. She would often cry or get angry at my non-caring nature. I would often get annoyed by her constant cheery attitude, especially when she forced herself to behave that way. Damn that annoyed the hell out of me.



    Of course we also had some fun quarrels. She was a cat person, while I was a dog person and we debated to see which was the better pet. We would often discuss that and other things until eventually we grew to know one another like the back of our hand. Whenever we had projects to do we would work together and if someone tried to pair up with her she would kindly decline their offer and work with me instead. I also enjoyed teasing her until she got mad. I never really liked the fact that she would always pretend to be happy and joyful.


    “You know that you’ll never trick me into believing in your ‘all the time happy I’m in heaven’ sort of mood.”, I told her once.


    “What do you mean?”, she asked confused.


    “Well, you are human after all, you should express your emotions more. If you’re sad or angry express yourself. Sure you show your emotions with me, but whenever you’re at school its as if you have to behave that way; almost as if you’re expected to be perfect.”


    “I’m not trying to be perfect though, I just want everyone to accept me. Even if it means acting like people would expect a girl to act.”


    “But why? Who are you trying to impress? And besides, you’ll never get true friends that way, they’ll only be attracted to your fake persona. You’ll be trapped having to keep up a fake front like that, and once you start stumbling they’ll find out who you really are and they’ll ditch you.”


    “At least it’s better than having them think something really nasty about you?”, she screamed.


    “What do you mean?”, I asked curiously.


    I could tell she was on the verge of tears. Man this girl was emotional. Maybe I should have added this to the list of ‘things about Mina that annoy me’. I chuckled at the thought.


    “Every school I went to always seemed worse than the last. When I was little, a lot of kids picked on me because I was a tomboy and they said it was because I grew up without a mom. After I moved to England I tried to be friendly with everyone; I wanted to fit in. But around that time my father had begun to immerse himself in alcohol. I tried to get away from everything while in school and it helped for the most part, except everyone found out about my situation at home. Instead of trying to help me they ignored me. I guess it was my fault that time since I had chosen friends who disliked anyone who was of low class, so they ignored me once they found out that I wasn’t even worthy of ‘being in their presence’, or so they said.”


    I didn’t know she had problems like those going on as well. I heard all about her crappy childhood, but the more she told me, the worse and worse it got. She continued explaining her situation, and for once I behaved like I was actually listening to her.


    “What my father gave me was barely enough to feed myself properly, which is why he had to drop me off at my aunt’s. I would’ve actually stayed in Madrid with her; it was the one time I actually felt happy. I only had one friend but she seemed trustworthy enough since we always hung out together. Unfortunately my aunt was in debt to begin with, so she couldn’t keep me with her. The guy she owned money to actually wanted her to give me to them so they would forget the debt, but my aunt sent me off to some family members before I was taken away.”


    Tears started trickling down her cheeks now, and I could feel the somber loneliness of all those years rummage forward from her heart. Things were sure tough for her; she barely had a family to rely on, and to top it all off, she wasn’t so good at making friends. I kind of felt guilty for being so cold to her, even if I was teasing her.


    “Everyone always thought I was weird because of my sensing ability. It was hard making friends at first, but even if I tried, I couldn’t. Before I came here I was doing pretty well in Germany. I made some small friends who I talked to every once in a while. Around that time I lived with some acquaintances of my family members in France. They were two guys who were roommates, and they were really nice to me. Whenever I needed them, they were there. They were even the ones who taught me how to fight; one of them used to be a black belt and the other owned a dojo. But being a girl and living with two guys was obviously misunderstood. Everyone in school began thinking badly of me and called me a ***** behind my back. Even some of the teachers believed the rumor and I was sometimes hit on by some of the older male teachers. I just wanted a brand new start, and I found a chance when I saw a flyer that talked about transferring to America. I worked as hard as I could and that’s how I was able to make it here.”


    She was really sobbing now and I didn’t know what to do. I had never been in a situation in which I needed to comfort a person, let a lone a girlie type like her. Any other time I would have considered her a crybaby, but at least now I could see why she didn’t want to make any sort of ‘mistakes’.


    “Well you have your new start now. Yet you’ve managed to make a friend who is not only able to perceive when you aren’t yourself, but who also likes you for who you are.”. I blurted out the first thing that came to my head.


    “Wait,”, she said wiping her tears, “you like me?”, she asked a bit startled.
    “Hold on… I mean, when I said I liked.. well not like… I mean,”, I said all flustered. Gosh I hate when I get flustered. “I meant to say that I like you as a person for who you are, not like as in love. Don’t get your hopes up.” I said while doing a bad job at trying to make it seem like I hadn’t meant anything.


    “Okay I get it, you don’t have to be mean. Sheesh.”, she said with a giggle while still wiping her tears. “You know, you sure do your best at making yourself look like a jerk, but deep inside you really are a nice guy.”


    “Yeah yeah.”, I said in my usual uncaring tone.
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  2. #2
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    Default Re: Original Fiction: Death Afterlife: Chapter 6

    For starters, thank you for spacing out the paragraphs; it's a much nicer read this way.

    I like that you're getting more specific and more detailed, in this chapter. It definitely gives the reading a nicer flavor. I like that you're mounting a little romantic tension and using Sain's voice more strongly in the narration.

    You still need to work a little bit on some proofreading. You had a couple of spelling errors and there was a random question mark, at the end of the line where she screamed that didn't seem to go there, from my point of view. This chapter is definitely an improvement over previous chapters, though.

    I haven't read past this, yet, and I need to go to bed, now, but I will read and review when I get the chance.

    Keep writing!
    <3 Dani
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  3. #3
    Ellxeeva's Minion SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD's Avatar
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    Default Re: Original Fiction: Death Afterlife: Chapter 6

    Well I always enjoy the comments so thanks for reading.

    I think that's my bad though, I proofread them once and then go over them again just to see if things make sense and/or if I need to take stuff out. I need to work on my quality of proof reading.

    Thanks again for taking the time to read. *hugs*
    If Minecraft had a Japanese intro.

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