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Thread: Lucent Nightmare

  1. #1
    Cold-Blooded IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess's Avatar
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    Post Lucent Nightmare

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    Last edited by IcePriestess; 09-10-2011 at 10:40 AM.
    It is stupid to be afraid to die, but the most stupid thing is to be afraid to live.

  2. #2
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    Default Second Nightmare

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    Last edited by IcePriestess; 09-10-2011 at 10:40 AM.
    It is stupid to be afraid to die, but the most stupid thing is to be afraid to live.

  3. #3
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    Post Third Nightmare

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    Last edited by IcePriestess; 09-10-2011 at 10:41 AM.
    It is stupid to be afraid to die, but the most stupid thing is to be afraid to live.

  4. #4
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    Default Fourth Nightmare

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    Last edited by IcePriestess; 09-10-2011 at 10:41 AM.
    It is stupid to be afraid to die, but the most stupid thing is to be afraid to live.

  5. #5
    Cold-Blooded IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess has a reputation beyond repute IcePriestess's Avatar
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    Default

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    Last edited by IcePriestess; 09-10-2011 at 10:41 AM.
    It is stupid to be afraid to die, but the most stupid thing is to be afraid to live.

  6. #6
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    Default

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    Last edited by IcePriestess; 09-10-2011 at 10:41 AM.
    It is stupid to be afraid to die, but the most stupid thing is to be afraid to live.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Original Fiction: Lucent Nightmare

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    Last edited by IcePriestess; 09-10-2011 at 10:42 AM.
    It is stupid to be afraid to die, but the most stupid thing is to be afraid to live.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Original Fiction: Lucent Nightmare

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    Last edited by IcePriestess; 09-10-2011 at 10:42 AM.
    It is stupid to be afraid to die, but the most stupid thing is to be afraid to live.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Original Fiction: Lucent Nightmare

    Haven't read more than the first chapter yet, but as no1 here is kind enough give you a review, it seems, I'll do what I can. As for yer trouble with readers, they prolly just checked the thread itself and then thought: TL, DNR.
    the current generation is notorious for it's 5 min attention span for anything that doesn't shine, flicker with lights or make sounds.

    First off, I have to state that this story is not my kind of reading. I prefer love stories and comedy, to put it in an other way, I read to escape what I hate, not to remind myself of painful things. That's why it's very hard for me to keep reading this, and it might be some time be4 i'll review the next chapter. In any case, credit for the original idea. The nitpicker in me must however point out that blonde was not a natural haircolor in 18th century japan, (nor was white, but i assume that's part of the story) and that 18th century japan was still largely an agricultural society in which peasants rarely had the chance to school their children in the first place. Moreover, historical chauvinism still reigned strong and a woman's main duty was to work hard and be married off later on. In any case, the main character itself, altough her fate is a painful one, seems interesting. Japanese folklore has some stories on "demon children" so it all fits well. The storytelling itself is painful to read, as it's largely dependant on the pain that the main character feels. There's not much description of the sights, dialogue and everything else in on the bare minimum that keeps the story moving. The story itself is constructionized from the starting point, how things normally are and how the slow change begins, this is a working solution as there is enough pain and "unusualness" about the situation for it to be worth spending time on. Her magical abilities that then start to carry the story on are somewhat interesting. A passive, non-harmful ability fitting for a passive protagonist that is more like sweeped in to the chain of action rather than taking action to actively change her fate. To sum it all up, it's not a bad work, it's just that i'm not a fan of horror/painful stories, I hardly feel any fear from anything that I read, and as for trembling, the only feelings that it made me experience were disgust for the world that surrounded the main protagonist and sympathy towards her. These are not just the feelings I chase when I start reading something. If the ending is a happy one, then all the pain that went to it will make it more sweet, perhaps even cryable, it all depends on the pacing and setting. As a final grade for the chapter: 3,5/5

    I hate being this critical to an amateur writer but this choice of genre just brought out my bad side. While one is free to choose his/her reading, I felt a duty to review it since no one else has yet to do this favor.
    We are Pop Candy, very happy! ^--^

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Original Fiction: Lucent Nightmare

    Thanks for the review, Desulishor. Even though you criticized me so much, it still made me feel better after reading it. And the grade is pretty good too .
    As for Japan, I didn't know these things. Thanks for telling me. I thought that in 18th century, peasants could already afford to let their children go to school.
    And as for genre... I never said this wasn't a love story. I personally don't like stories that don't have any romance in them and this story isn't an exception. When you'll read the later chapters, you'll notice it yourself.
    Again, thanks.
    It is stupid to be afraid to die, but the most stupid thing is to be afraid to live.

  11. #11
    Senior Member Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor has a reputation beyond repute Desulishor's Avatar
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    Default Re: Original Fiction: Lucent Nightmare

    back with comments for the second chapter. Since the writing style and such were already discussed, i'm just sticking to the story and character content here. A new character with new power appeared then, making his entrance scene unnecessarily graphic. I do not enjoy reading anything that makes me want puke, but if you want to make the reader hate this guy, you've succeeded. Right now, he seems either a bad guy or a snot-nosed brat who doesn't realize the full extent of his actions because he thinks that his "heritage" puts him above normal humans. His attitude seems to support the last hypothesis. As for his power, it reminds me of that one bad guy in trigun (forgot the name, but the power itself and it's usage is exactly the same), sort of an absolute power when compared to normal humans, however, not a combat type power either. Suibi's reaction to all this is believable, and further strengthens her position as a mistreated child, unable to trust anyone, yet still wanting to see good even in those who mistreat her, all sympathy to her, altough the melancholy is hard to bear with for me. The story succeeds in turning Suibi's life upside down, so credit for the surpise value in all this.

    [Removed by moderator - Do not advertise other fanfiction sites here]
    Last edited by OminousCloud; 10-01-2010 at 11:34 AM.
    We are Pop Candy, very happy! ^--^

  12. #12
    Ellxeeva's Minion SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD's Avatar
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    Default Re: Original Fiction: Lucent Nightmare

    I like the fact that all the apostles names start with the letter S. I know it has to do with Seth's name starting with S, or was it just coincidence?

    Anyway, I really like your story, especially the first couple of chapters. You were very descriptive with Suibi's life and I could feel the suffering she was going through in the second chapter (which was brutal btw). I also like the way you ended each of your chapters; very good use of symbolism and foreshadowing.

    I also like the fact that you personified each of their attitudes and behaviors very accurately.

    There were just two problems that I saw. First of all, Suibi's father is cold to her and everyone else seems distant from her since she is different. So where did she get her conception of God? She makes a lot of reference to God, and yet it doesn't seem like anyone would have taught her that. And even if they had, the way they treated her would make her think that maybe God hated her as well. Another thing I saw was the drop of quality as the story progressed. Your grammar, punctuation and spelling was phenomenal in the first chapters, but as the story progressed it started falling bit by bit. I don't know if you were caught up in the scene, but watch out for that.

    So far I like your story and I like how its progressing. I would like to get a bit more back-story on each of the apostles, but what you have written so far is fine. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
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  13. #13
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    Default Re: Original Fiction: Lucent Nightmare

    IcePriestess and her mind-blowing stories. =D

    Hmm... Sigma already said most of what I wanted to say though.

    But I just wanted to say keep it up! :]
     

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