Mamoru Miyano- Kimi e (To you)

[samanjm]

Hi everyone!

I'd like to point out a few flaws and mistakes in the lyrics of "Kimi e (To you)" by Mamoru Miyano, which I discovered in cooperation with SakuraFox512
The current lyrics on the site can be foundhere

You can download the whole corrected lyrics translation hereMamoru Miyano- Kimi e..txt

And, just to be on the safe side, here it is:
--------------------------------------------------
You have been by my side for such a long, long time.
Those honest eyes of yours
Never cease to shake me, even now
I really wish I could take you away.

I sense them so near
The uneasy thoughts hidden in the clouds. Ah...
How much did you really need me
You, who smiles brightly like light?

So what should I understand?
Tell me, what should I say to be able to see you?
Even though these feelings can't be taken back
Before I realize it
Our world is flowing by, fluttering
Changing into drops, and disappearing.

To you, to you I want to express
Towards you, once more, my feelings of love.

The white crystals raining down
Are melting like bubbles, but ah
What has been lost is shining through
And it's so close that I can almost touch it

That's right -- look
Everyone is carrying emotions they can't set free.
Our encounter ends, but
Even though you're so near
I can't express it well enough...
Swaying slowly to and fro
Searching for an answer, I wander around

To you...to you...
Oh feelings, fly away (omoi yo, tonde yuke)

I want to be by your side
Even if I don't know how to convey it
Let's believe in joy within sorrow and hold each other.

To you, to you I want to reach [out]
To you so that we never have to part again

To you...
--------------------------------------------------

The first issue that me and the transliterator SakuraFox512 noticed is that, most likely due to some problem in lyrics database, there are huge gaps between verses and part of the last verse in the transliteration is even completely cut out! The part in question is:

Soba ni itai yo
Tsutae kirenakute mo
Kanashimi no naka ni yorokobi wo shinjite dakishime you
Kimi ni, Kimi ni todoketai kara
Kimi e, mou nidoto hanarenai youni

Where the part in bold is completely missing (only the transliteration).

Another part missing (this time not because of the database error, but because of human factor ) is between

Kimi ni...
and
Soba ni itai yo
Tsutae kirenakute mo....
etc

The kanji is correct, so the part should look like this:

Kimi ni...
Omoi yo, tonde yuke

Soba ni itai yo....
etc

Where the part in bold is, again, missing. In the corrected lyrics above, this missing part is in italics.

There is also a part where we are not sure about the translation, specifically the first 2 lines of the 3rd verse. This is the current translation The lines in question are underlined both here and in the corrected lyrics above:
-----------------------------------------
そう　何を知れば
ねぇ　何を言えば君に会えるの
戻れない想いなのに
気づけばいつでも
二人の世界はハラハラと流れ
雫に変わって消えるの
Sou nani wo shireba
Nee nani wo ieba kimi ni aeru no?
Modorenai omoi na no ni
Kizukeba itsudemo
Futari no sekai wa hara-hara to nagare
Shizuku ni kawatte kieru no
So what should I understand?
Tell me, what should I say to be able to see you?
Even though the feelings can't be taken back
Before I realize
Our worlds always flow by, fluttering
Changing into drops, and disappears
-----------------------------------------

This is how it should look like according to us:

--------------------------------------------
Sou nani wo shireba
Nee nani wo ieba kimi ni aeru no?
Modorenai omoi na no ni
Kizukeba itsudemo
Futari no sekai wa hara-hara to nagare
Shizuku ni kawatte kieru no
So what should I understand?
Tell me, what should I say to be able to see you?
Even though these feelings can't be taken back
Before I realize it
Our world is flowing by, fluttering
Changing into drops, and disappearing.
--------------------------------------------

But we believe that there might be a better way to translate the first 2 lines- if you know of a better way of translating this "shireba" and "ieba" to English, please tell us.

If you have any doubts about the corrected translation or transliteration, feel free to ask

One more little note about the kanji- it will do no harm to add the song composer and lyricist credits, which should be

作詞：ucio
作曲：柘植敏道
Song lyrics: ucio
Music: Toshimichi Tsuge(?)

[SakuraFox512]

And now I'm playing my part and giving the corrected romaji (as a text document)

Also, I, in agreement with samanjm, would like to change the translated title back to "...To You".

[AzureDark]

First of all your translation had whitespace inbetween the first and second stanza, that's why the alignment is messed up.

Hm... t/l discussions.

まっすぐなその瞳が今
僕の心を揺らしてやまない
Those honest eyes of yours
Never cease to shake me, even now
You missed "my heart" there, if you purposely left it out for poetic license, well to me "shaken", even in the non-physical context is too wide a definition.

雲に隠れた不安な想い　あぁ
The uneasy thoughts hidden in the clouds. Ah...
Surely you can think of something better than "uneasy" for 不安... for instance, an itch or an irritation is also "uneasy".

そう　何を知れば
ねぇ　何を言えば君に会えるの
戻れない想いなのに
気づけばいつでも
二人の世界はハラハラと流れ
雫に変わって消えるの
So what should I understand?
Tell me, what should I say to be able to see you?
Even though these feelings can't be taken back
Before I realize it
Our world is flowing by, fluttering
Changing into drops, and disappearing.
I'm going freedom with this but I would do it this way:
What do I need to know...
What do I say to make myself able to see you again...
Though I can't turn back from these feelings
Only now that I realized that
Soon our world will be washed away
Into droplets sinking down the drain
Or something like that.

[SakuraFox512]

雲に隠れた不安な想い　あぁ
The uneasy thoughts hidden in the clouds. Ah...
Surely you can think of something better than "uneasy" for 不安... for instance, an itch or an irritation is also "uneasy".

I'm just throwing out my own suggestion for something else here but...
"The anxious feelings hidden in the clouds."?
The only things for "不安-fuan" I can think of at the moment would be "insecure" or "anxious".

[samanjm]

First of all your translation had whitespace inbetween the first and second stanza, that's why the alignment is messed up.

Oops! :-S I'm terribly sorry, it won't happen again.

まっすぐなその瞳が今
僕の心を揺らしてやまない
Those honest eyes of yours
Never cease to shake me, even now
You missed "my heart" there, if you purposely left it out for poetic license, well to me "shaken", even in the non-physical context is too wide a definition.

You are probably right.. in that case, I"ll stick with "never cease to shake my heart".

I'm just throwing out my own suggestion for something else here but...
"The anxious feelings hidden in the clouds."?
The only things for "不安-fuan" I can think of at the moment would be "insecure" or "anxious".

Thanks. "anxious" sounds good enough to me

What do I need to know...
What do I say to make myself able to see you again...
Though I can't turn back from these feelings
Only now that I realized that
Soon our world will be washed away
Into droplets sinking down the drain
Or something like that.

how about:
What do I need to know...
What do I say to see you again?
Though I can't turn back from these feelings
Only now that I realized that
Soon our world will be washed away
Into droplets sinking down the drain

I know that gramatically, it's more accurate, but still...
"What do I say to make myself able to see you again..."
seems a little lengthy to me....

With these changes, the translation would look like this:
--------------------
"To you"

You have been by my side for such a long, long time.
Those honest eyes of yours
Never cease to shake my heart, even now
I really wish I could take you away.

I sense them so near
The anxious thoughts hidden in the clouds. Ah...
How much did you really need me
You, who smiles brightly like light?

What do I need to know?
What do I say to see you again?
Though I can't turn back from these feelings
Only now that I realized that
Soon our world will be washed away
Into droplets sinking down the drain

To you, to you I want to express
Towards you, once more, my feelings of love.

The white crystals raining down
Are melting like bubbles, but ah
What has been lost is shining through
And it's so close that I can almost touch it

That's right -- look
Everyone is carrying emotions they can't set free.
Our encounter ends, but
Even though you're so near
I can't express it well enough...
Swaying slowly to and fro
Searching for an answer, I wander around

To you...to you...
Oh feelings, fly away

I want to be by your side
Even if I don't know how to convey it
Let's believe in joy within sorrow and hold each other.

To you, to you I want to reach [out]
To you so that we never have to part again

To you...
-----------------------------
Is it better?

[SakuraFox512]

What do I need to know?
What do I say to see you again?*
Though I can't turn back from these feelings
Only now that I realized that**
Soon our world will be washed away
Into droplets*** sinking down the drain

* Try something like "what do I need to say to see you again?" or "what could I say to see you again?" what you currently have written doesn't seem quite right to me, though I'm not sure if it actually has to do with grammar or not.

** With the following line in place this should be reworded "only now (did I) realize that" (?) Try playing around with it a bit.

*** "Soon our world will be washed away,
Turned into droplets sinking down the drain."

It would then read

"What do I need to know?
What do I need to say to see you again?
Though I can't turn back from these feelings,
only now did I realize
that soon our world will be washed away,
turned into droplets sinking down the drain."

[samanjm]

* Try something like "what do I need to say to see you again" or "what could I say to to see you again?" what you currently have written doesn't seem quite right to me, though I'm not sure if it actually has to do with grammar or not.

** With the following line in place this should be reworded "only now (did I) realize that"? Try playing around with it a bit.

*** "Soon our world will be washed away,
Turned into droplets sinking down the drain."

hmm....

What do I need to know?
What can I say to see you again?
Only now did I come to see that*
soon our world will be washed away,
turned into droplets sinking down the drain

*- or "only now did it strike me that"...but that's probably too aggressive.