Man, Now that I think back on to my love life it never went as I planned.
I would fall in love with my best friends, It would never work cuz I didn't want to mess up our relationship although It almost came to that point many of times. Everytime I would fall for someone I'd push them away, Why! probably fear of rejection or it could have been much more.
It was the fall I had been nineteen for quite some time, I thought I had seen it all 'Love' that word never really appealed to me. I would wonder around town fantasizeing about how perfect love is. I know that love could never be that way for me.
it happened all so fast, walking around that town I liked so much, I would love to play and sit in the cemitary for hours. yes I am odd but that's how I am. I was sitting there like I always did takeing pictures and sketching. I went there often to clean my mind and see all the beauty in this world, This world I grew up in changed so fast it seemed as if ugly was everywhere.
Me Myself see beauty in the most strangest things, I see beauty in death. but not a poetic death more like an art, Suicide had a beauty to it if done right, the sight of blood appealed to me. 'Morbid' I don't really know its just how I've been since as long as I could remember.
I had in the past tried to commit suicde but not because I wanted to die, i wanted the pain that I endured to go away, I also wanted to be part of that beauty i was so facinated with, I could never get it right. Slit my arms, yes I did... but now the scares have vanished, well not really only when I get tan or sun burned can you see them.
Yes It hurt, but no at the moment it didn't it felt good, as if my worries and pain would be over soon. The fact that I sat there watching my blood poor out in some cuts and dripped out in others. the thing I had said that I could never achive, flashed threw my mind. I had love it wasn't a passionate love. It was love of my friends, The blood dripping made me think about it what would happen if I had took my life? what would my friends do? thats when I got it through my head. In a weird way when that thought came to mind the pain of the cuts became soreal but as if by magic they stopped bleeding.