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Thread: What I'd Rather Do

  1. #1
    Artistic Muse Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin's Avatar
    Gil
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    Wink What I'd Rather Do

    This is a love poem to my bf. ^^ It was also my last poetry assignment for my Creative Writing class. We had to use cliches but not make them as obvious by wording then in a unique way. I was also told not to make the rhyming I used as obvious and not to use it as frequently as I used to.

    I'd rather live
    my last day,
    Rather than live
    a day without you.

    I'd rather take
    a bullet or two,
    Rather than see
    you suffer the lightest of pains.

    I'd rather feel
    endless hate,
    Rather than feel
    emotions for another but you.

    What I'd rather do
    is take a sad excuse for a clear sky
    and make it the vivid blue that hides in your eyes.

    I'd rather fall
    off the face of the earth,
    Rather than stand
    on an earth without your existence.

    I'd rather paint
    with my own tears,
    Rather than see
    yours stain the page.

    I'd rather lock away
    all of your distress
    and make it my own.

    I'd rather you be a soul
    planted in a lively body,
    Even if that means I'm a soul
    with no body to inhabit.

    You need a heart to live?
    Take mine... you will always have it.


  2. #2
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    Gil
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    nice poem it's got a darker mood but the underlying theme is rather uplifting. a lot of people would say that (or something like that. most people aren't as poetic as you) to someone they really love...

    you write well. i like it. amazing work

    "Thinking of you, where ever you are..."
    Sig by me

  3. #3
    Kirako's medic soldier Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com's Avatar
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    It's been a long time. But the magic is still there.

    I'd rather paint
    with my own tears,
    Rather than see
    yours stain the page.

    That's the only thing i can complain about in this poem.
    It just doesn't sound right to me. Could have been better. Overall, its a 9 stars out of 10 for me. I've always loved the way you expressed your message in your poems. Its really beautiful and intriguing. And this being your last assignment does it mean you've graduated from your creative writing class?

  4. #4
    Ruler of Fire ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac has a reputation beyond repute ultra_maniac's Avatar
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    It was good but not your best Poem was awesome till fifth stanza after that IT messed up the flow and the rhythm.but gave the grace in last two lines.
    In night style I give 7 stars out of 10 you could do more better try not to think too much.
    ~ai~rox~

    Thanks teed for the site info

  5. #5
    Artistic Muse Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone!


    @ ultra and night: I've realized anything I've written for my creative writing class hasn't been the best. I really think it's because there's a prompt and I have to always write the way the teacher wants me to. Now we're starting short stories (thankfully) because I couldn't stand all the poetry pressure, lol.


    @ night:
    "I'd rather paint
    with my own tears,
    Rather than see
    yours stain the page."

    ^How would you word that last line to make it sound better? I don't know how to fix it. :/ lol
    Would it be better if I said "Rather than see your tears stain the page"?
    Last edited by Kirei Shijin; 02-20-2010 at 02:15 PM.


  6. #6
    Stuck in Love's Capture Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara's Avatar
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    Great poem still after reading it so many times It has a beat to it and it's expressed really nicely.

    Amazing set by
    Ezza Obsuna ^^

    The days fly by and the feelings remain
    So far away and causing us pain
    That's okay we'll make it through
    Soon we'll get to say "I love you"



  7. #7
    Kirako's medic soldier Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com has a reputation beyond repute Nightixu@hotmail.com's Avatar
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    i'd rather paint
    with my own tears
    rather than see
    the page stained with yours
    your teardrops on it
    your tears wet the page
    You paint with yours

    I don't know if you wanted to strictly make it tetrameter (i think)
    but that's just a few suggestions. "Yours stain the page sounds out of place to me. Only the yours part. I think its because it messes the rhythm.
    Like when you say it out loud, "Yours *pause* stain the page" Since you have to pronounce the 'S' in yours, you can't go and breeze through it or else when you say it out loud it'll sound like "your stain the page". And if there's a pause there, you might as well have a comma there. I'm not criticizing or condemning. Well actually i am criticizing. But i hope this is helpful criticism.

  8. #8
    Artistic Muse Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin's Avatar
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    Thanks Kirako! ^^


    @Night: Thanks so much for the constructive criticism. It really helped.


  9. #9
    Demon wolf boy (Member) konkikushuro has a reputation beyond repute konkikushuro has a reputation beyond repute konkikushuro has a reputation beyond repute konkikushuro has a reputation beyond repute konkikushuro has a reputation beyond repute konkikushuro has a reputation beyond repute konkikushuro has a reputation beyond repute konkikushuro has a reputation beyond repute konkikushuro has a reputation beyond repute konkikushuro has a reputation beyond repute konkikushuro has a reputation beyond repute konkikushuro's Avatar
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    Gamertag: Konkikushuro PSN ID: DemonslayerKon

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kirei22 View Post
    This is a love poem to my bf. ^^ It was also my last poetry assignment for my Creative Writing class. We had to use cliches but not make them as obvious by wording then in a unique way. I was also told not to make the rhyming I used as obvious and not to use it as frequently as I used to.

    I'd rather live
    my last day,
    Rather than live
    a day without you.

    I'd rather take
    a bullet or two,
    Rather than see
    you suffer the lightest of pains.

    I'd rather feel
    endless hate,
    Rather than feel
    emotions for another but you.

    What I'd rather do
    is take a sad excuse for a clear sky
    and make it the vivid blue that hides in your eyes.

    I'd rather fall
    off the face of the earth,
    Rather than stand
    on an earth without your existence.

    I'd rather paint
    with my own tears,
    Rather than see
    yours stain the page.

    I'd rather lock away
    all of your distress
    and make it my own.

    I'd rather you be a soul
    planted in a lively body,
    Even if that means I'm a soul
    with no body to inhabit.

    You need a heart to live?
    Take mine... you will always have it.
    the take a bullet line was my honest faviorte it shows your love for him i admire that line it's a small window into your mind!
    Done by me~

    I'll be your sword, and you can be my Shield.

    -------------------------------------------------------
    Love is a Double-Edged Blade, if you caren't careful you'll be cut, and most times...it's a cut that won't heal...
    ~ This is something I've learned so many times in my young age, be careful, and do not listen to your heart all the time...otherwise, you'll be fataly wounded...
    Konkikushuro ~Divine swordsman

  10. #10
    Artistic Muse Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin's Avatar
    Gil
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    @Konk: Thanks! It's interesting that you feel that way about it.


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