What I'd Rather Do

[Kirei Shijin]

This is a love poem to my bf. ^^ It was also my last poetry assignment for my Creative Writing class. We had to use cliches but not make them as obvious by wording then in a unique way. I was also told not to make the rhyming I used as obvious and not to use it as frequently as I used to.

I'd rather live
my last day,
Rather than live
a day without you.

I'd rather take
a bullet or two,
Rather than see
you suffer the lightest of pains.

I'd rather feel
endless hate,
Rather than feel
emotions for another but you.

What I'd rather do
is take a sad excuse for a clear sky
and make it the vivid blue that hides in your eyes.

I'd rather fall
off the face of the earth,
Rather than stand
on an earth without your existence.

I'd rather paint
with my own tears,
Rather than see
yours stain the page.

I'd rather lock away
all of your distress
and make it my own.

I'd rather you be a soul
planted in a lively body,
Even if that means I'm a soul
with no body to inhabit.

You need a heart to live?
Take mine... you will always have it.

[poshyterra]

nice poem it's got a darker mood but the underlying theme is rather uplifting. a lot of people would say that (or something like that. most people aren't as poetic as you) to someone they really love...

you write well. i like it. amazing work

[[email protected]]

It's been a long time. But the magic is still there.

I'd rather paint
with my own tears,
Rather than see
yours stain the page.

That's the only thing i can complain about in this poem.
It just doesn't sound right to me. Could have been better. Overall, its a 9 stars out of 10 for me. I've always loved the way you expressed your message in your poems. Its really beautiful and intriguing. And this being your last assignment does it mean you've graduated from your creative writing class?

[ultra_maniac]

It was good but not your best Poem was awesome till fifth stanza after that IT messed up the flow and the rhythm.but gave the grace in last two lines.
In night style I give 7 stars out of 10 you could do more better try not to think too much.

[Kirei Shijin]

Thanks everyone!


@ ultra and night: I've realized anything I've written for my creative writing class hasn't been the best. I really think it's because there's a prompt and I have to always write the way the teacher wants me to. Now we're starting short stories (thankfully) because I couldn't stand all the poetry pressure, lol.


@ night:
"I'd rather paint
with my own tears,
Rather than see
yours stain the page."

^How would you word that last line to make it sound better? I don't know how to fix it. :/ lol
Would it be better if I said "Rather than see your tears stain the page"?

[Kaname Shikara]

Great poem still after reading it so many times It has a beat to it and it's expressed really nicely.

[[email protected]]

i'd rather paint
with my own tears
rather than see
the page stained with yours
your teardrops on it
your tears wet the page
You paint with yours

I don't know if you wanted to strictly make it tetrameter (i think)
but that's just a few suggestions. "Yours stain the page sounds out of place to me. Only the yours part. I think its because it messes the rhythm.
Like when you say it out loud, "Yours *pause* stain the page" Since you have to pronounce the 'S' in yours, you can't go and breeze through it or else when you say it out loud it'll sound like "your stain the page". And if there's a pause there, you might as well have a comma there. I'm not criticizing or condemning. Well actually i am criticizing. But i hope this is helpful criticism.

[Kirei Shijin]

Thanks Kirako! ^^


@Night: Thanks so much for the constructive criticism. It really helped.

[konkikushuro]

This is a love poem to my bf. ^^ It was also my last poetry assignment for my Creative Writing class. We had to use cliches but not make them as obvious by wording then in a unique way. I was also told not to make the rhyming I used as obvious and not to use it as frequently as I used to.

I'd rather live
my last day,
Rather than live
a day without you.

I'd rather take
a bullet or two,
Rather than see
you suffer the lightest of pains.

I'd rather feel
endless hate,
Rather than feel
emotions for another but you.

What I'd rather do
is take a sad excuse for a clear sky
and make it the vivid blue that hides in your eyes.

I'd rather fall
off the face of the earth,
Rather than stand
on an earth without your existence.

I'd rather paint
with my own tears,
Rather than see
yours stain the page.

I'd rather lock away
all of your distress
and make it my own.

I'd rather you be a soul
planted in a lively body,
Even if that means I'm a soul
with no body to inhabit.

You need a heart to live?
Take mine... you will always have it.

the take a bullet line was my honest faviorte it shows your love for him i admire that line it's a small window into your mind!

[Kirei Shijin]

@Konk: Thanks! It's interesting that you feel that way about it.