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Thread: Disappear

  1. #1
    Stuck in Love's Capture Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Disappear

    This is a poem I wrote while in school today. I hope everyone likes it, and please comment ^^

    (I'm aware of a couple of the letters in the beginning of the line being lowercase, its meant to be like that ^^)


    Disappear

    I count the days I'm longing for
    So much so I would adore
    my feelings to do what they do
    So I can be drawn back to you

    I open my eyes but all I see is darkness
    My ears are ringing and its hard to press
    my feet on the floor
    Every part of me is sore

    I wish both day and night
    That I would see the light
    that's right in front of me
    But my eyes are too black to see

    I want to hold you close
    But defeated, I feel morose
    as I think of everything
    That reminds me of you

    My heart is aching
    The darkness, I'm embracing
    My soul has gone away
    As I'm with you once again

    Amazing set by
    Ezza Obsuna ^^

    The days fly by and the feelings remain
    So far away and causing us pain
    That's okay we'll make it through
    Soon we'll get to say "I love you"



  2. #2
    Artistic Muse Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin has a reputation beyond repute Kirei Shijin's Avatar
    Gil
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    This is a good poem.

    The last stanza was my favorite, I think it was very clever how you worded it. Also, the rhyming was there but it was subtle which can be a hard thing to do at times. Good job with that.

    The first stanza seemed a bit shakey though. I think it's because the word "so" was used a little more than needed. I don't know, it's just a little hard for me to understand. Don't take that the wrong way, I would just work on that a little more then your poem is complete. ^^

    I'm definitely looking forward to reading more, sis!


  3. #3
    Senior Member ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR's Avatar
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    A heart for a poem full of sadness and lonliness. Each person whose heart breaks can feel like this upon one time or another. You started off with two lines rhyming and then the next two rhyming but then almost at the end I see it stops when it goes and says:

    "as I think of everything
    That reminds me of you"

    And:

    "My soul has gone away
    As I'm with you once again"

    But it still worked even though it didn't rhyme, it got the point across. Keep writing, my friend.
    I am no more a rose than I am its thorns.
    No more a gentle breeze than I am the hailing storm.
    I am no more hated than I am loved.
    And I am no more heartfilled than I am heartless.
    This is who I am.
    ~ELR

  4. #4
    Stuck in Love's Capture Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara's Avatar
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    Thank you so much for your comment it makes me feel so good about this poem ^^ I understand about the "so" 's but I couldn't think of anything else.

    Thank you sis!

    Amazing set by
    Ezza Obsuna ^^

    The days fly by and the feelings remain
    So far away and causing us pain
    That's okay we'll make it through
    Soon we'll get to say "I love you"



  5. #5
    Stuck in Love's Capture Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara's Avatar
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    @ ELR thank you very much for your comment ^^

    Amazing set by
    Ezza Obsuna ^^

    The days fly by and the feelings remain
    So far away and causing us pain
    That's okay we'll make it through
    Soon we'll get to say "I love you"



  6. #6
    angel in flight poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra's Avatar
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    LOVE this poem. you do have a knack (nack?) for poetry kirako. although the dark tone is a little depressing for someone who wrote a poem about two cows in the month of may...

    daisy and maizy if you ask.

  7. #7
    Stuck in Love's Capture Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara's Avatar
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    Thank you i'm glad you liked the poem ^^ and....huh? I never wrote about cows or the month of may..or is that a figure of speech? ^^; lol

    Amazing set by
    Ezza Obsuna ^^

    The days fly by and the feelings remain
    So far away and causing us pain
    That's okay we'll make it through
    Soon we'll get to say "I love you"



  8. #8
    angel in flight poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra has a reputation beyond repute poshyterra's Avatar
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    it's just a poem i wrote in seventh grade for a grade...

    i write poetry, i just don't post it...

  9. #9
    Stuck in Love's Capture Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara's Avatar
    Gil
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    Aww why don't you post it? I bet they are wonderful

    Amazing set by
    Ezza Obsuna ^^

    The days fly by and the feelings remain
    So far away and causing us pain
    That's okay we'll make it through
    Soon we'll get to say "I love you"



  10. #10

    Default

    Ahhhh nice. This poem to me is your best poem. I could feel the poem every step of the way. I could see the images conjured up by it in my head. It's
    K.I.S.S but it lets you absorb the poem easier.

  11. #11
    Stuck in Love's Capture Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara has a reputation beyond repute Kaname Shikara's Avatar
    Gil
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    Thank you it means a lot that the best poets on AF would compliment my poetry like this. Thank you very much

    Amazing set by
    Ezza Obsuna ^^

    The days fly by and the feelings remain
    So far away and causing us pain
    That's okay we'll make it through
    Soon we'll get to say "I love you"



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