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Thread: Disappearing love

  1. #1
    Deep in thought kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2's Avatar
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    Default Disappearing love

    I haven't posted a poem in a long time and i just put this one together with rarely little thought but I thought it was okay so tell me what you think.

    Disappearing love


    Sorrow fills my mind
    The aches of the past trembling in my shaky hands
    The distant and lonely future seeming so close
    The power and happiness so unforgettable
    It's all just your disappearing love

    The memories rewinding in my head
    The blood from my broken heart seeping through my veins
    Water puddles from the tears I cried
    Broken mirrors from the rage I gained
    It's all just your disappearing love

    Love so strong but now so broken
    Happiness greatly fulfilled but now saddened
    Phone calls memorized but now forgotten
    It's all just your disappearing love

    All I can do is wonder
    Was I not good enough to appear in your present or even your future
    Did I hurt you or abandon you in some kind of way
    Was my love for you not clear enough
    I realize now that it's all just your disappearing love
    Last edited by kisses2; 12-29-2009 at 01:27 AM.
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  2. #2
    Captain No Pants Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki.'s Avatar
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    hmm . . . well, I think the beginning was a little shaky,
    but I think it gets better as it goes.

    Actually, I think that the second stanza itself improved expotentially over the first.

    The only thing I didn't quite understand was the first line:
    Quote Originally Posted by kisses2
    Sorrow feels my mind
    It could indeed mean something deep,
    but it feels as though what it leads onto beginning with is
    "Sorrow fills my mind." Correct me if I'm wrong.

    *thinks* Oh, and this is just a weird thing about me,
    but I noticed how you switched from a capital I to a lowercase i when referring you yourself. I know it's weird for me to notice that, but it messes with the flow when I'm reading it. >< I know. I'm weird.

    Anyway, that's about all.
    Besides from a couple minor mistakes,
    it was really good overall.
    It left the reader with a deep understanding of the narrator's feelings,
    and the sadness that's felt.

    Okay. I'll stop rambling.
    Anyway, keep working on it!
    I'm sure you'll be great! ^_^


  3. #3
    Deep in thought kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2's Avatar
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    Thanks! I'll fix the errors. This was just something I came up with really fast so i didn't think of spelling as well as I should have! Thanks for telling me and commenting.
    Sig by: Wolley.

  4. #4
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    hmm i like it and its good but just not my cup of tea. i cant see anything wrong with it though so thats a good thing. on a scale of 1-10 id give it a 6.

    Set made by me
    "Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!"

  5. #5
    ... i am L. ♥ Yuna has a reputation beyond repute Yuna has a reputation beyond repute Yuna has a reputation beyond repute Yuna has a reputation beyond repute Yuna has a reputation beyond repute Yuna has a reputation beyond repute Yuna has a reputation beyond repute Yuna has a reputation beyond repute Yuna has a reputation beyond repute Yuna has a reputation beyond repute Yuna has a reputation beyond repute Yuna's Avatar
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    I just have to say, that I love this poem.
    I read it out loud the first time through and all I can say is outstanding job!

    What I like the most about this poem is the emotion. Since I'm such a hopeless romantic, I immediately put myself into the things you identified here.

    ... I can pick out a few lines that really caused me to have that movie-like view of my past relationship run through my mind. I liked how powerful it was. Sad, but powerful nonetheless -- I can relate. I love things like that. (:


    Overall, great job! I really enjoyed it. <3
    Last edited by Yuna; 12-29-2009 at 02:57 AM.

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  6. #6
    Deep in thought kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sr. machinehead View Post
    hmm i like it and its good but just not my cup of tea. i cant see anything wrong with it though so thats a good thing. on a scale of 1-10 id give it a 6.
    Thanks for the comment and the rating!

    Quote Originally Posted by Yuna View Post
    I just have to say, that I love this poem.
    I read it out loud the first time through and all I can say is outstanding job!

    What I like the most about this poem is the emotion. Since I'm such a hopeless romantic, I immediately put myself into the things you identified here.

    ... I can pick out a few lines that really caused me to have that movie-like view of my past relationship run through my mind. I liked how powerful it was. Sad, but powerful nonetheless -- I can relate. I love things like that. (:


    Overall, great job! I really enjoyed it. <3
    Aww!! Thank you! This comment really made my day!! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
    Sig by: Wolley.

  7. #7
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    Great poem, and I like how you managed to make it make sence. I can actually picture whats happening in your poem, thats a plus. Sad poem though indeed, sad or not, it still came out good for you putting rarely little thought in it.

    All I have to say is to keep up the good work, you are very good with your words, since I didn't find it confusing at all. Your poetry is really great, I can't wait for you to write another one so I can read it also. Lets shoot for a happy one next time. lol.

  8. #8
    Deep in thought kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Novak View Post
    Great poem, and I like how you managed to make it make sence. I can actually picture whats happening in your poem, thats a plus. Sad poem though indeed, sad or not, it still came out good for you putting rarely little thought in it.

    All I have to say is to keep up the good work, you are very good with your words, since I didn't find it confusing at all. Your poetry is really great, I can't wait for you to write another one so I can read it also. Lets shoot for a happy one next time. lol.

    Thanks! Your comment made me happy ha and laugh.. I'll go for a happy one on my next one. Thanks for reading and commenting! Means a lot!
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  9. #9
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    well you wrote a very deep meaning poem there and ya tsuki said same thing i thought after seeing it overall great one awesome keep on writing
    ~ai~rox~

    Thanks teed for the site info

  10. #10
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    Love it kisses!
    It is very emotional and it captivated me from the start. I think you are a great poet, and keep up the good work =)

    You're like an angel from a picture book...

  11. #11
    Deep in thought kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2 has a reputation beyond repute kisses2's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ultra_maniac View Post
    well you wrote a very deep meaning poem there and ya tsuki said same thing i thought after seeing it overall great one awesome keep on writing

    Thanks for the comment!


    Quote Originally Posted by Bliss View Post
    Love it kisses!
    It is very emotional and it captivated me from the start. I think you are a great poet, and keep up the good work =)
    Thanks, Bliss. Glad you liked it!
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