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Thread: A False Smile

  1. #1
    Senior Member Teddy2116 has a reputation beyond repute Teddy2116 has a reputation beyond repute Teddy2116 has a reputation beyond repute Teddy2116 has a reputation beyond repute Teddy2116 has a reputation beyond repute Teddy2116 has a reputation beyond repute Teddy2116 has a reputation beyond repute Teddy2116 has a reputation beyond repute Teddy2116 has a reputation beyond repute Teddy2116 has a reputation beyond repute Teddy2116 has a reputation beyond repute Teddy2116's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default A False Smile

    Whenever i saw that smile i knew everything was alright
    all the pains, the worries and the sorrow
    seemed to drift away whenever you were near
    You always knew how to make everyone feel at ease
    Yet there was something you were hiding behind that smile right?
    all your pain and sorrow that couldn't be healed
    yet you smiled to make the rest of us at peace
    why didn't you tell someone that you were crying inside
    that you were hurting and dieing from your sorrow
    now you're gone
    never to return
    why i ask, why
    if you only show us your pain
    we could of ease it for you
    i hate you... i really hate you
    you brought us so much joy
    and took it away
    I hate you for showing me what its like to be happy
    i cry now more than i did before
    every time i remember your smile

    Its been a while but I hope you guys like it.
    Last edited by Teddy2116; 10-27-2009 at 11:10 PM.

  2. #2
    Circlejerk Elitist DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default

    Now this one is sad to me, I like it, but it's very emotional. as if you lost someone very important to you. (More I say! More!) lol Keep up the very good work.

  3. #3
    Ellxeeva's Minion SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD's Avatar
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    Default

    It was very good and extremely emotional. I only saw two things that were a bit shaky. The third line, try to think of a different way of starting it off. It connects to the second line, but the way you wrote it makes it seem like a pause, and it distorts the flow.

    The other thing is that in the 5th line. It reads: "Yet there was something you were behind that smile right?"

    I think you meant to write "Yet there was something you were hiding behind that smile right?", or at least something of the sort.

    Anyway, as I mentioned before, it is very emotional. That person brought happiness, but now that they've died and taken all that away, the narrator hates them for providing them with so much happiness that now is balanced by this pain. Not only that, they're angry that they put on such a false smile when there was something actually wrong, and the idea of mistrust also comes up.

    Nice poem. Keep on writting.
    If Minecraft had a Japanese intro.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=H5qFZjuKet4

    |Set made by Neukifly|

    Super Saiyan Dango


  4. #4
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    Gil
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    Default

    Now this one is big change after i read your "For i am". ;__;

    Well some people are really good to hide their pain and smile for others joy , totally sad. T_T
    wish me luck for furture guys!!!!
    Thanks for everything!!!
    ^___^

  5. #5
    Perverted Kitty of Doom lilminx has a reputation beyond repute lilminx has a reputation beyond repute lilminx has a reputation beyond repute lilminx has a reputation beyond repute lilminx has a reputation beyond repute lilminx has a reputation beyond repute lilminx has a reputation beyond repute lilminx has a reputation beyond repute lilminx has a reputation beyond repute lilminx has a reputation beyond repute lilminx has a reputation beyond repute lilminx's Avatar
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    Default

    this is sad but i love it. reminds me of myself XD oh well... youre great teddy ^^ keep it up
    you can't call me weird, cause im unique ^_^
    btw if youre going to admire me, please tell me who you are, gracias


    siggy by teddy thankies ^^


    **UPDATE** NEW DRAWINGS
    * * * A R T ~ W O R K * * *
    My sweet sweet family is located in my blog
    if you want to be a part of our family, pm me


  6. #6
    Senior Member Megamind's Minion has a reputation beyond repute Megamind's Minion has a reputation beyond repute Megamind's Minion has a reputation beyond repute Megamind's Minion has a reputation beyond repute Megamind's Minion has a reputation beyond repute Megamind's Minion has a reputation beyond repute Megamind's Minion has a reputation beyond repute Megamind's Minion has a reputation beyond repute Megamind's Minion has a reputation beyond repute Megamind's Minion has a reputation beyond repute Megamind's Minion has a reputation beyond repute Megamind's Minion's Avatar
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    Default

    well, what can i say.. i was hit in the heart.. the poem described me...<what an egoistic person i am>.. kidding...
    this is really true for some.. and yeah it would hurt that bad... it it's lost

    ~Howl's Mistress Evil Twin from the Other Side here to save her from further humiliation...

    avenge me!..
    kill kill kill

    sig by .Elmer

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