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Thread: My feeling

  1. #1
    For I am not the one Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default My feeling

    Before I post my poem, i just want to let everyone know that im not really good at writing down my feeling or even poetry but i have been feeling really sad lately and i want to try and write something.

    And i came up with this, I hope you all like it.

    My Feeling


    I'm sitting by the window and looking up at the moon and thinking about you,
    I love you but what should I do
    I want you to know soo much how I feel about you.
    But I can't tell you and I shouldn't feel this for you.
    Tell me, what should I do
    I want to be with you,
    I want to love you,
    You and only you until the end of time
    But this is wrong of me to love you
    This is wrong of me to want you
    And I pray to God for forgiveness
    Someone please, tell me what should I do?
    My heart is breaking without you
    and I can't stop crying.


    But now I know what I have to do...


    I will hide my heart from you
    I will hide my love from you
    Until the day, you come to me...


    Then I will let you know how much I truly love you and only you.



  2. #2
    The JUNKFOOD EXPERT
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    Default

    I really love this poem...

    I get the emotion that your poem is giving off.

    I like the way you emphasis on the word " LOVE "

    Awesome you should keep writing and writing helps me get out what I am feeling at the moment. It can help you if you feel sad.
    "Nothing’s gonna take us down"

  3. #3
    Senior Member Ran-Sang has a reputation beyond repute Ran-Sang has a reputation beyond repute Ran-Sang has a reputation beyond repute Ran-Sang has a reputation beyond repute Ran-Sang has a reputation beyond repute Ran-Sang has a reputation beyond repute Ran-Sang has a reputation beyond repute Ran-Sang has a reputation beyond repute Ran-Sang has a reputation beyond repute Ran-Sang has a reputation beyond repute Ran-Sang has a reputation beyond repute Ran-Sang's Avatar
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    Default

    Hey, it wasn't bad. I would consider this decent, so it wasn't as tragic as you thought it would be. How you conveyed your emotions wasn't bad either. It was a good effort. ^_^

    Don't be frustrated if you can't write good poems right away. It just takes practice, inspiration, patience, and observation. No worries.

    Just try to put a variety of rhymes to make it more interesting instead of the constant "you" "do" deal. Synonyms can help get the message across of what you want to say, so try changing the wordings, sentence structure, and flow. Inverted word order can also do wonders in poetry.

    I would cut down on the use of "you". Not all of the words are necessary in your poem. For example...

    "I want you to know so much how I feel about you." could be like this...

    "I want you to know how I feel."

    The message is basically the same, and it leaves open all the things you/ the speaker want(s) the person to know. As a bonus, you get a possibility of a different rhyme instead of the constant aa,aa,aa,aa... pattern.

    Just remember to change up the words, rhymes, etc a bit. Including some imagery and whatever else wouldn't hurt either, for it would enhance the message(s) and show more emotion in a greater and more expanded way. Also note punctuation and see what you can do to tweak around with it to make sure the flow is clear.

    You did your best though and you're using writing as an outlet. That's what really matters. Great effort. ^_^

  4. #4
    For I am not the one Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma has a reputation beyond repute Ayame_Sohma's Avatar
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    Thank you for your help Rang Sang and Yosk, I'm going to try and write more poetry and get better with them.



  5. #5
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    it was clear the feeling you put into it. But like the others pointed out your sentyence construction was lax and your pauses were also i think a bit off but good try

  6. #6
    Senior Member ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR has a reputation beyond repute ELR's Avatar
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    Default

    Your emotions were placed right, you kept it steady. Lines can be shortened, like Ran-Sang said, and for a poem that is written with the heart, I believed you hit a great first key. ^_^ I believe if you keep up the good work, find the right inspiration, and allow your imagination to flow then you will be a great poetic writter on here. Keep it up.
    I am no more a rose than I am its thorns.
    No more a gentle breeze than I am the hailing storm.
    I am no more hated than I am loved.
    And I am no more heartfilled than I am heartless.
    This is who I am.
    ~ELR

  7. #7
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    Default

    I agree that you used the same word too many times but don't worry, your emotions were in the work, and that's basically what you wanted to convey.

    Oh and I really like the ending it was really good. But why do you need to take away those feelings from the person you love the most? That's the part I don't get. If you do that, does that mean you really loved that person?
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