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Thread: Original Fiction: After Dark

  1. #1
    Rising Falcon! Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody's Avatar
    Gil
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    Gamertag: ErraticKyosuke

    Default Original Fiction: After Dark

    Yeah...I have a lo of free time on my hands and I am currently obsessing about zombies....so...yeah.

    I hope this is appropriate, as this will contain gore and the such. No 'adult activities' though.

    Yeah, this story is about my character Arturo Evaristo and his journey through the zombie wasteland that is Central America.

    Oh, some facts came from The Zombie Survival guide.

    Also, I own every weapon Arturo uses, so all the results are from personal experience from using these weapons. The others though...well, a guy can dream can't he?

    Warning: English is not my native language, so many commas will be where they do not belong. I'll put a * at the end of a sentence I'm not sure of and it'd be appreciated if you could help me. Constructive criticism is always welcome.

    Fictional places and people.

    Chapter 1:

    I woke with a start, scared and sweating. I was in my apartment, at Last Chance Inn in the city of Brylane. However, this wasn’t your usual crappy Thursday. There wasn’t the usual scuffle down the hall between the muscle headed neighbor and the newly weds, there was no loud obnoxious rap music blasting through the walls, and there was no line for the washed and dryer. All that was out now were them. The zombies that destroyed life as we knew it seven weeks ago.

    In the past seven weeks, I have been running from these things. Now, the only somewhat safe place for several miles was this apartment complex. There where still zombies walking around, but roaming bands of locals have taken care of most of them. I was given respect, and no one bothered me.

    Things sure went to hell quick. When the first zombies came, people thought it was some sort of publicity stunt about radioactivity, but when the 'actors' first came into contact with people, they let loose a bone chilling moan and shambled towards the foolish townsfolk.

    Moments later, when some zombie gnawed through some poor bastards' wrist, the police were quick to respond. They tried to reason with the 'actors', but ...well...

    You can't reason with a zombie.

    When the police saw that they would not be reasoned with, they let loose a volley of bullets but were surprised when the 'actors' not only withstood the bullets, but appeared unharmed and unfazed*.

    After that, the predictable happened. Humans ran towards the hospitals and police stations, which eventually became buffets for the undead. Others ran towards their cars and cluttered the streets and basically became canned food.

    I managed to run towards my apartment on the second story and prepared for the worst. So far, I managed to raise the fire escape enough that the zombies can't reach it, destroy the wood staircase, and filled all bath tubs and sinks with clean water.

    Sadly, I am the only living person left in this city now. Many of my former friends that lived here have joined the undead ranks and my former neighbors have fled.

    My apartment fortress is absolutely impenetrable, no zombie can reach me, but the simple fact remains that I am running out of supplies. I have only a weeks worth of food and water left.

    All the necessary measures have been taken. I have a pack ready and filled with as much supplies I can carry without bringing own my speed. My machete, usually used for gardening purposes, is lying against the wall, sheathed and waiting to slice off zombie heads.

    Sighing, I got up and grabbed my bag and my machete. Horror movie rules state that you always travel during the day.

    With that, I got up and, quietly as possible, made my way down the hall. Zombies had a freakish sense of hearing. From high up here, I've seen zombies hear a cough and pinpoint their victims'* exact location.

    I made my way to where the staircase used to be. I carefully lowered myself down, making sure not to make excess noise, and carefully touched down.

    Turning around, I put a hand on my machete and made my way into the undead zone.
    Last edited by Seņor Nobody; 07-23-2009 at 02:05 PM. Reason: Bleeping typos!
    I now know what hell sounds like; I recommend a tactical nuclear strike on my position. Tell my family I love them.

  2. #2
    LUCKY DUCK Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus's Avatar
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    First I'll do my best to correct grammar/spelling.
    and there was no line for the washed and dryer.
    Should be "washer"

    All that was out now were them. The zombies that destroyed life as we knew it seven weeks ago.
    All that was out there now were them: the zombies that destroyed life as we knew it seven weeks ago.
    I have been running from these things
    "had been running"

    bands of locals have taken care
    "had taken care"

    and filled all bath tubs and sinks
    "fill all bath"
    without bringing own my speed.
    "down my speed"

    You actually have a very good grasp of where to place commas in this chapter, congratulations. Even native speakers (myself included) get confused on exactly where a comma should and shouldn't be. In general though, comma placement has a lot of freedom, though there are some general guidelines about them that make certain types of writing sound better. It's not always about flow. All your commas are fine.

    You've made some very minor mistakes on verb tense, that's your biggest problem, and one mistake that I suspect is just a careless error. Your second problem is your paragraphing. Paragraphs should be grouped according to subject, and I think the way your form yours, well...it bothers me. I like to try to keep my paragraphs at varying lengths, I find that helps me.

    Anyway, on to the story! It intrigues me. You've set a very nice tone for your story. I'm assuming this is a prologue or first chapter. You've done a good job setting the scene, however not perfect. I think you should practice adding some details to your story, and I find that easiest when I try to appeal to the five senses. For example:

    After that, the predictable happened. Humans ran towards the hospitals and police stations, which eventually became buffets for the undead. Somehow the zombies could not penetrate these buildings for a time. Others ran towards their cars and cluttered the streets, basically became canned food for those creatures that roamed the streets. They were not safe; no one was safe. The creatures, driven by a lust for supple human flesh, forged their way through the pitiful human defenses, tearing apart everything that stood in their way.

    Either way, I like it and I look forward to the next installment. :3


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  3. #3
    Rising Falcon! Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Capernicus View Post
    You actually have a very good grasp of where to place commas in this chapter, congratulations. Even native speakers (myself included) get confused on exactly where a comma should and shouldn't be. In general though, comma placement has a lot of freedom, though there are some general guidelines about them that make certain types of writing sound better. It's not always about flow. All your commas are fine.

    You've made some very minor mistakes on verb tense, that's your biggest problem, and one mistake that I suspect is just a careless error. Your second problem is your paragraphing. Paragraphs should be grouped according to subject, and I think the way your form yours, well...it bothers me. I like to try to keep my paragraphs at varying lengths, I find that helps me.
    Thanks. English is still so strange to me, and I'm glad that I have a grasp on the language.

    Anyway, on to the story! It intrigues me. You've set a very nice tone for your story. I'm assuming this is a prologue or first chapter. You've done a good job setting the scene, however not perfect. I think you should practice adding some details to your story, and I find that easiest when I try to appeal to the five senses. For example:

    After that, the predictable happened. Humans ran towards the hospitals and police stations, which eventually became buffets for the undead. Somehow the zombies could not penetrate these buildings for a time. Others ran towards their cars and cluttered the streets, basically became canned food for those creatures that roamed the streets. They were not safe; no one was safe. The creatures, driven by a lust for supple human flesh, forged their way through the pitiful human defenses, tearing apart everything that stood in their way.

    Either way, I like it and I look forward to the next installment. :3
    I have been told many times to add more detail, so I'll try harder next time. I shall not disappoint! I'll probably post the first chapter (since this WAS a prologue) later tonight.
    I now know what hell sounds like; I recommend a tactical nuclear strike on my position. Tell my family I love them.

  4. #4
    Rising Falcon! Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody's Avatar
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    Double posting, but meh. This is the real chapter one since the previous one was more like a prologue. I hope this is a bit better than the first, since I put more effort into it.

    Sorry for any typos.

    Chapter one

    Everything seems to be going well. I started down the alley heading to the end with the thought in mind to dash across the street and into the next alley.

    It didn't work out so well as I heard a scream come from behind me. Turning around I saw a women come running out into the alley about twenty yards from me. She was looking behind her as she ran. Out behind her came two kids covered in blood. They weren't older then twelve. Obviously they were her kids and they were infected. Maybe they were one of the few who decided to stay here but somehow got infected.

    I did the first thing that came to mind. I turned back around and ran for my life. I'll admit this upfront, I am no hero. If I can save either my behind or yours, you can be sure my backside comes first.

    I hoped I was faster then her. Looking back behind me I could see her gaining on me fast. She had noticed me and was yelling at me, but with my adrenalin flowing and the blood pounding in my ears, her words sounded muffled. It looked like she was crying help. I started to run faster.

    Coming to the realization that I couldn't outrun her or her zombified kids I decided to duck into a nearby yard. I leaped and landed hard, rolling to the other side covered in thorns and leaves. When I looked up to see were they were, the woman came into my sight at the edge of the alley. She yelled "Help!" and I just sat there, giving her a blank stare she would never see.

    Just then, the first of her kids slammed into her and knocking her to the ground and out of my sight. The next kid, without even looking at me, ran passed*. I heard him join the pile of screams, moans, and ripping flesh. The sound of ripping and tearing of flesh sickened me beyond belief, so I got up and started to move away from the sounds as fast and quietly as possible.

    I recognized the house of the yard I was in as that of one of my former co-workers. Gary or something plain like that. The only thing I could really remember about the guy was that he liked turnips and hated chicken. I walked up to the side of the house were the side door to the garage was and peaked in. I didn't see anyone, so I tried the door.

    Bingo.

    There was no sound in the house. Just the periodic gun fire or siren outside in the distance. From where I stood I could make out the living room and what looked like an office.

    I looked out back into the alley. The kids were done and wondering aimlessly in the ally. I could see the feet of the lady but not the rest of her body. That was probably a good thing.

    Standing in the garage, I planned my next move. I couldn't go out to the alley again. Not with those kids out there. Out the front wasn't an option either. The front was riddled with zombies.

    I decided to go and check the shelves for any thing useful. Reaching aroun, my hand hit cold but sturdy metal. Grasping it, I pulled the object towards me to find it was a crowbar.

    Score. According to the Zombie Survival Guide, this tool was what they called multifunctional. I can use this to open doors and bash zombie heads in. Looking down, I lifted the crowbar and placed it through my belt loop.

    Now, what to do about these pesky zombies...?

    Deciding that it was the only choice, I unsheathed my machete and silently made my way toward the two kids.
    I now know what hell sounds like; I recommend a tactical nuclear strike on my position. Tell my family I love them.

  5. #5
    LUCKY DUCK Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus's Avatar
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    Very interesting story you have going here Mr. Nobody. I won't go through the typos here, since this story seems less about perfection and more about prose. I notice here you have a bit of trouble with period placement, not uncommon among all types of writers. Basically, beware of fragments. Some of these have a subject and no predicate (verb and any possible direct object(s)) and vice versa. I notice a bit more detail but I want to see more. I know you can do it! Think about showing me what's happening, not telling me. At least, that is a good rule of thumb in action scenes. *waits for next chapter*


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  6. #6
    Rising Falcon! Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody has a reputation beyond repute Seņor Nobody's Avatar
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    Bear with me, I am having a little trouble writing the next fight scene. I am trying to add as much detail as possible without taking the feeling out of it.
    I now know what hell sounds like; I recommend a tactical nuclear strike on my position. Tell my family I love them.

  7. #7
    LUCKY DUCK Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus's Avatar
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    Ouh yes, a very difficult task indeed. If you need a beta I'm free!


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