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  1. #1
    Junior Member s13mobilesuit is on a distinguished road s13mobilesuit's Avatar
    Gil
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    so i feel this gental breeze
    upon my skin,these eyes now water
    the tears now run yet my face
    shows no signs of compassion
    i am empty


    i scream in my head hoping it gets out
    hoping the universe shakes as my voice echos
    threw it , and maybe just maybe some one hear me


    and asnwers why i cry with out feeling
    why i cannot find this so called emotion
    that i envy everything for i have nothing
    and so i scream in my head hoping it gets out
    but for now the gental breeze upon my skin
    helps keep the monster within,
    for i search for my compassion

  2. #2
    Senior Member Anime Forum has a reputation beyond repute Anime Forum has a reputation beyond repute Anime Forum has a reputation beyond repute Anime Forum has a reputation beyond repute Anime Forum has a reputation beyond repute Anime Forum has a reputation beyond repute Anime Forum has a reputation beyond repute Anime Forum has a reputation beyond repute Anime Forum has a reputation beyond repute Anime Forum has a reputation beyond repute Anime Forum has a reputation beyond repute Anime Forum's Avatar
    Gil
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    Hmmm, really weak. I don't want to say too much because then I know I'll be questioned on how I feel so better luck next time. The flow was off, the stanza's were really confusing and you need to think more when writing and make it neater then before. Keep trying =]
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  3. #3
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    Gil
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    Well I can tell your poetic style is different, like the type you usually read in front of people or something. It looks unattractive because you didn't capitalize some words and stuff, but even so I read it and it was smooth sounding to me. I would say that something in the 3rd line needs to be changed because you lose some rhythm in there.

    I like the rest of it since it was nice. I just like that imagery in the second stanza with the echoes in empty space. That was just wow. *claps* The last stanza was also so filled with all this creative imagery that helps build a clear picture. I hope to see more from you. But just a reminder, it's spelled gentle not gental *grammar nazi*
    If Minecraft had a Japanese intro.

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  4. #4
    Senior Member Gero50 has a reputation beyond repute Gero50 has a reputation beyond repute Gero50 has a reputation beyond repute Gero50 has a reputation beyond repute Gero50 has a reputation beyond repute Gero50 has a reputation beyond repute Gero50 has a reputation beyond repute Gero50 has a reputation beyond repute Gero50 has a reputation beyond repute Gero50 has a reputation beyond repute Gero50 has a reputation beyond repute Gero50's Avatar
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    I think it's a good start though keep practicing and coming up with new ideas and remember practice makes perfect. Good luck next time.
    Gero Server Guru




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