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Thread: A start?

  1. #1
    With Love so Pure... Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda's Avatar
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    Default A start?

    Well im not a poetry writer in the slightest sense, but you guys have inspired me to attempt something, with your great poems.

    This is something ive started but not finished, please tell me what u think and if u have to how bad it is, i will accept any criticism...

    This Demonic presence
    is eating me alive
    it does not make any sense
    how the darkness thrives

    The weaker i become
    the quicker i fall
    as my body turns numb
    my dreams begin to call

    the light starts to fade
    as my eyes slowly descend
    The darkness has made
    my dreams transcend



  2. #2
    Senior Member polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星's Avatar
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    Default

    short yet effective. i was definately feeling the desperate feeling portayed in the poem, and the flow was not too shabby. keep up the good work!
    in my head theres a greyhound station, where i send my thoughts to far off destinations.... so they may have a chance of finding a place, thats far more suited than here (ben gibbard)

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    Default

    It was So - So. Not great, but not bad at all. The flow was alright and I now expect more from you so yea, post more sometime Sparda. =]
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  4. #4
    With Love so Pure... Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda's Avatar
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    short yet effective. i was definately feeling the desperate feeling portayed in the poem, and the flow was not too shabby. keep up the good work!
    thank you

    It was So - So. Not great, but not bad at all. The flow was alright and I now expect more from you so yea, post more sometime Sparda. =]
    yes i understand that and ill try harder next time



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    Default

    That's pretty good considering it's your first poem. You might want to look into the first two sentences because the second sentence continues the first (obviously) but the way you wrote it seems to make it sound awkward and throws off the flow of the poem.

    If you enjoy writing poetry then keep working hard and you'll eventually get better.
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  6. #6
    With Love so Pure... Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda has a reputation beyond repute Sparda's Avatar
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    Default

    That's pretty good considering it's your first poem. You might want to look into the first two sentences because the second sentence continues the first (obviously) but the way you wrote it seems to make it sound awkward and throws off the flow of the poem.

    If you enjoy writing poetry then keep working hard and you'll eventually get better.
    Thank you, understood and i will try



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