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Thread: original fiction:Knights of Geo:ch.1

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    Junior Member Lelouch_is~alive! will become famous soon enough Lelouch_is~alive!'s Avatar
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    Default original fiction:Knights of Geo:ch.1

    Two years ago was when we first decided to go public.We thought we would be excepted among humans,we were wrong.I am one of the last surviving knights since the modern crusade.I only survived because I lied and betrayed my friends. We had no idea that the empire would turn on us like that.They came hard and fast so that we didn't see it coming.I am now the leader of the Knights of Geo (soft g).For those of you living under a rock;Two years ago the Knights of Geo went public.The Knights are a group of people that bannded together to protect each other from those who feared them and wanted to destroy them.The reason people feared them is because they posessed a power not of this world,the power of the geo glyphs.
    Last edited by Lelouch_is~alive!; 06-10-2009 at 06:15 PM.

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    Junior Member Lelouch_is~alive! will become famous soon enough Lelouch_is~alive!'s Avatar
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    please comment!

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    Senior Member Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lelouch_is~alive! View Post
    Two years ago was when we first decided to go public.We thought we would be excepted among humans,we were wrong.I am one of the last surviving knights since the modern crusade.I only survived because I lied and betrayed my friends. We had no idea that the empire would turn on us like that.They came hard and fast so that we didn't see it coming.I am now the leader of the Knights of Geo (soft g).For those of you living under a rock;Two years ago the Knights of Geo went public.The Knights are a group of people that bannded together to protect each other from those who feared them and wanted to destroy them.The reason people feared them is because they posessed a power not of this world,the power of the geo glyphs.
    Not sure what sort of comments you're looking for since there is very little to comment on. If this was a start and you're wondering whether or not it created a hook to the story, no it didn't.

    Also, this sentence : ".... They came hard and fast so that we didn't see it coming...."

    When writing, check your sentences and make sure you think them through. My corrupt mind is not dealing too well with "came hard and fast" and combining that with "didn't see it coming". The grammar "so that" is wrong. The correct grammar for this sentence should be "They came hard and fast so we didn't see them coming..."

    However, you should note that altering the grammar alone doesn't make that sentence right. I would have gone with a metaphor to describe the situation - the situation being the empire's betrayal.

    "No one knew that the tides could change and when they did, we suffered the wrath of the raging seas as the empire's army rained upon us."

    Not a great sentence but you should think of different ways to put your imagination into words.

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