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Thread: A Story I've been Writing for a few Days Now

  1. #1
    Senior Member Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default A Story I've been Writing for a few Days Now

    Intro

    “Mommy!” the little girl called out, “I’m outta apple juice! Can I have s’more?” She walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. What she saw after that would scar her for the rest of her life. Her mother was sitting on the floor sobbing hysterically as her wrists bled profusely. The little girl screamed as her mom’s eyes went wide. The woman of close to twenty-eight passed out with a razor in one hand and cocaine residue on her blouse. The three year old ran to the telephone and dialed 911 as her mother had taught her to do. The paramedics came and took the hysterical girl away, wrapped in a blanket. The mother was also taken away but with a blanket over her instead of around her.

    Chap. 1
    “Stacy, if you don’t talk to me, I can’t help you.” Said Dr. Bella Sort. She eyed the girl in black. The girl’s emotion was unreadable.
    “You can try all you want but you’re gonna get **** for results.” Replied Stacy with almost no change in tone. She pulled her Bullet for my Valentine hoodie over her, rose from the chair and turned to leave.
    Dr. Sort spoke up immediately. “Ms. Gains, you still have twenty minutes left in session.”
    “Take your twenty minutes and shove ‘em.” Stacy said.
    “Ms. Gains! I will not tolerate that behavior!” Dr. Sort said with anger.
    “Then don’t…” Stacy said as she grabbed the door handle, turned it, and stepped out.
    Stacy returned to her room and sat on her cot. Her room was like any other in a mental institution. Four walls, blank, a cot, dresser, and a door. Boring really. Her roommate Chelsea sat across from her. She was reading a magazine when Stacy entered. She peeked and smiled as she rolled her eyes.
    “Walked out again, huh?” Chelsea said as she sat up and placed the magazine down.
    “Gee, how’d ya guess?” Stacy said with a smile.
    “Well…let’s see shall we? You’re early and Dr. Sort doesn’t let people go early.” Replied Chelsea, half-sarcastically.
    “Its like a Nazi concentration camp in there! You’re interrogated for an hour and a half and then you’re sent back to your cell. I hate it.” Stacy fired back.
    “Everybody hates it, but we have to deal with it. You don’t wanna end up like Dannie do you?” Chelsea answered.
    Dannie, who had stayed there a year before Stacy, was defiant of the rules and she was sent to a maximum-security institution because she refused treatment.
    “No…I guess not.” Stacy said hesitantly. She lied down on her cot and stared at the blank ceiling above her. She often wondered what her life would have been like if her mom was still alive. She also felt it was her fault her mom killed herself. She shook herself and thought, “Stacy, that was fourteen years ago! Get over it!” But she couldn’t get over it. Her thoughts and reasoning of her mother’s suicide were cemented into her mind. No matter how hard she tried, Stacy figured those feelings would never leave her.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The next morning, the attending nurse came to the door and hollered, “Girls, get up, breakfast has been going on for ten minutes already!”
    Stacy woke up suddenly and mumbled something incoherently as she rubbed her eye with the palm of her hand. Chelsea stayed where she was, not moving at all. The attending yelled again, this time directly at Chelsea.
    “Chelsea! Get up!”
    Chelsea stirred and mumbled a few choice words and sat up. Her hair was erratic and Stacy laughed quietly to herself.
    “Now come down to the cafeteria after you get dressed. Today is important for the both of you.” The nurse walked away and Stacy and Chelsea passed nervous glances at each other. Visitor’s Day. It only came twice a year but it was the most dreaded day at the hospital. Barely any parents ever showed up. Stacy crawled out of bed and jumped to the floor. She grabbed a Slipknot T-Shirt, some jeans and other things and got dressed. Chelsea, on the other hand, just sat there like a stump. When Stacy looked over, Chelsea was crying silently.
    “Chels…what’s wrong?” Stacy looked over with a soft glance.
    “Its just that…what if my mom doesn’t come again?” She said between sobs.
    “Chelsea…she’ll show…I promise.” Stacy said as she walked over to Chelsea and placed a hand on her shoulder.
    “You said that the last time Stacy and she didn’t show!” Chelsea snapped at Stacy unintentionally but didn’t apologize. Stacy didn’t expect it anyhow.
    Stacy sat on Chelsea’s bed, speechless. Chelsea was right. Stacy went to say something but the attending walked in. “Ladies…Cafeteria…NOW!”
    Stacy and Chelsea both ran past the attending and into the Cafeteria down the corridor. When they got there, their friend Heather was sitting at the table. She was a relatively happy girl with a pretty smile. She attempted suicide once and her parents basically sent her into the ward and forgot about her. The two girls got their lunch and sat next to Heather on either side.
    “Mornin’ guys!” Heather said with a bright smile. She put a forkful of egg into her mouth and chewed happily.
    “Hey Heather.” Chelsea and Stacy said in unison. They both picked at their food with a grimace.
    “Hey, did you guys here about the two girls that got into it earlier?” Heather asked.
    Stacy and Chelsea both looked at each other and raised their brows.
    “Earlier? Its only 8 O’clock Heather.” Stacy said.
    “Yeah, I know but it happened around five. Word is that two girls saw each other in the hallway and they both bumped into each other. That’s what I heard anyway.” Heather replied with dramatic hand movements.

    Its not done yet, the first chapter anyway isnt done. I wanted opinions on it from you guys before I continued.
    Last edited by Dr. Evil; 04-29-2009 at 01:04 PM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Dead rose has a reputation beyond repute Dead rose has a reputation beyond repute Dead rose has a reputation beyond repute Dead rose has a reputation beyond repute Dead rose has a reputation beyond repute Dead rose has a reputation beyond repute Dead rose has a reputation beyond repute Dead rose has a reputation beyond repute Dead rose has a reputation beyond repute Dead rose has a reputation beyond repute Dead rose has a reputation beyond repute Dead rose's Avatar
    Gil
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    it was good. but i think you should give some character description. i mean how stacy looked like and how chelsea looked like and stuff


    then does strength represent justice, is powerlessness a crime??I'm not the one at fault the world is.

    -lelouch

  3. #3
    Senior Member Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dead rose View Post
    it was good. but i think you should give some character description. i mean how stacy looked like and how chelsea looked like and stuff
    I plan on it. I'll make 'em up later but the story is more important than character looks. It'll be attached to another post later on.

  4. #4
    The Man With No Signature The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane's Avatar
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    I rarely visit the fanfic forum and on this rare visit i find myself randomly drawn to your thread. It was kinda like a "click this one" moment...

    Anyway, the most striking thing i've noticed here is the fact that there's too much conversation going on, not that conversations are bad, but they just outweigh everything here. The in-betweens are just too short and lacks the much-needed detail. This is a written story, not an image nor a script, keep in mind that in dealing with write-ups you should show enough depth and detail for the reader to be drawn more into it. Unlike cartoons, films, and comics which presents visual imagery for the viewer to rely upon in dealing with the story and such, purely written stuff like this one should be presented in great detail mainly because words and imagination are the only things that the viewers have to rely upon in grasping it. If the words fail to deliver the punch then how are the readers supposed to picture out and understand what is written? Right?

    I don't think you're a bad writer, I just think that this particular piece needs improvement.
    Last edited by The Grey Crane; 05-15-2009 at 08:09 PM. Reason: Found a typo

  5. #5
    Senior Member Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil's Avatar
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    I agree with you 100% TGC. I re-read it just now and thought it sucks. I do appreciate your opinion.

  6. #6
    The Man With No Signature The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane has a reputation beyond repute The Grey Crane's Avatar
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    For some reason, I'm gonna be keeping track of this one. You're welcome BTW. Glad you could appreciate the opinion, so i might as well thank you too.

  7. #7
    BuLmA's Neighbor DaSOCOM has a reputation beyond repute DaSOCOM has a reputation beyond repute DaSOCOM has a reputation beyond repute DaSOCOM has a reputation beyond repute DaSOCOM has a reputation beyond repute DaSOCOM has a reputation beyond repute DaSOCOM has a reputation beyond repute DaSOCOM has a reputation beyond repute DaSOCOM has a reputation beyond repute DaSOCOM has a reputation beyond repute DaSOCOM has a reputation beyond repute DaSOCOM's Avatar
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    Story's already kinda got me hooked, but like others have said, a little character description would be nice. Granted, that's my own fault in writing sometimes. Looks like it's off to a nice start tho.

    Peace,
    DaSOCOM

    New Bro : Anime Master
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    The Neighbor:BuLmA`
    Death Princess on hold due to life.

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