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Thread: the ballad of a broken heart

  1. #1
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    Default the ballad of a broken heart

    im sorry i wasn't happy enough for you
    im sorry that i let you slip from my fingers
    your doubt in our union never halted me
    but your trust in another did
    she could cheer you up when i could not
    she could touch you when i could not
    she could love you physically and mentally when i could not
    curse the distant between us
    i wish it where pangea all over again
    maybe i could travel to you in a day
    and see you to give you the love you would had wanted from me someday
    i could tell you cared
    i could tell you wanted to have me
    however doubt struck you hard
    and killed my spirits to meet you
    depression is what brought me to seal you in a prison of sadness
    you want to breathe
    you wanted me to say silly things
    and give you silly pet names again
    i could not do that so the other did
    she made you feel like you use to
    and the distant between was not so far
    im sorry i couldn't make you happy
    this is my fault for losing you
    if i really loved you i would work my butt off to travel
    across the land to see you
    i did nothing but sulk
    look where it got me
    hating the one who cares you now
    hating her for reasons that i should hate myself for
    the world is cruel
    but the heart is more than so
    the mind the accomplise
    that helps you remember this strife
    the ballad of a broken heart
    is just enough
    to make me cry
    Noel Fieldling+Julian Barrat= Mighty Boosh Love
    "I"M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!"
    -Chowder

  2. #2
    Senior Member polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星's Avatar
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    i can empathize with u on this one. sometimes resolve can be a painful experience. i hope u take yours in stride.


    oh and..... great poem
    in my head theres a greyhound station, where i send my thoughts to far off destinations.... so they may have a chance of finding a place, thats far more suited than here (ben gibbard)

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  3. #3
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    Ah jeez, that's very depressing. I liked it, but at some points I was kind of confused because it seemed as though, either words were missing, or the wrong word was in its place. I think it would be better if you separated some of the lines so they aren't so long, but all in all, I liked it. ^^ continue writing, and you'll be really good. *Tsuki*


  4. #4
    Senior Member polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tsuki Moon88 View Post
    Ah jeez, that's very depressing. I liked it, but at some points I was kind of confused because it seemed as though, either words were missing, or the wrong word was in its place. I think it would be better if you separated some of the lines so they aren't so long, but all in all, I liked it. ^^ continue writing, and you'll be really good. *Tsuki*

    it seems to me that this piece was written as an outpouring of emotions more than something that is supposed to have some kind of format in mind (please correct me ♫mk-chan♫ if im wrong) art imitates life... and being that life can be chaotic and at times without rhyme or reason; i would consider this poem, considering the artist's circumstances (assuming it was inteneded to be in first-person) a great example.
    in my head theres a greyhound station, where i send my thoughts to far off destinations.... so they may have a chance of finding a place, thats far more suited than here (ben gibbard)

    www.soundcloud.com/theparadox
    www.myspace.com/polaristheparadox
    www.bombeatzmusic.com
    www.jamvana.com

  5. #5
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    :o sorry if it is confusing
    it was like polaris1 observed an outpour of emotions
    >//< i put it in poem format
    so it's like really confusing and emotion
    and yes spoke in first person
    Noel Fieldling+Julian Barrat= Mighty Boosh Love
    "I"M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!"
    -Chowder

  6. #6
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    Its a great poem and I really liked it.


    Your color is Black. You value power, ambition, and darkness. You love power at any cost, and are a corrupting influence on those around you. At your best, you are resourceful and unashamed. At your worst, you are parasitic and amoral. Your symbol is a skull. Your enemies are white and green

  7. #7
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    I can see and respect the out-pour, but that doesn't mean a work can't be cultivated and refined. I can sympathize with you, very much so.

    If you'd like to take it to a more.. How can I say, refined level I suggest cutting it into stanzas. I'm more of a Rhyme and Rhythm man, but it doesn't mean I abhor free-writing. I just don't get so much from it usually. @_@

    So a little bit of polishing can give it that refined look. If you're not planning on taking it any further, then it seems fine as is (Spelling mistakes included, now that I'm thinking they can represent a part of that 'out-pour'. Perhaps that's too modern of a concept. x3 )


    Perhaps the world was never meant to make perfect sense.


  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by polaris1 View Post
    it seems to me that this piece was written as an outpouring of emotions more than something that is supposed to have some kind of format in mind (please correct me ♫mk-chan♫ if im wrong) art imitates life... and being that life can be chaotic and at times without rhyme or reason; i would consider this poem, considering the artist's circumstances (assuming it was inteneded to be in first-person) a great example.
    *nods* yea, I understand. It just seemed that if it was, as Tetsanosuke said, "refined" more it would give a lot more meaning to the poem. Or, well, I don't know. *scratches head* I mean, I liked it, don't get me wrong, and I understand the outpour of emotions, because I do that too, it just . . . didn't get to me as much as I know it would have it it was a bit more . . . organized.. . It's great how it is, but I think it could be even greater if more thought was put into it by going back over it . . . but, even it that not done, it's still quite nice and yea . . . I'm not good with words or explaining what I think, but I saying how I feel, think this poem got the message across quite well, and it could be magnificent. Or . . . well . . . yea. I hope you understand my confusing thinking. >.


  9. #9
    Senior Member polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星 has a reputation beyond repute polaris 北極星's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tsuki Moon88 View Post
    *nods* yea, I understand. It just seemed that if it was, as Tetsanosuke said, "refined" more it would give a lot more meaning to the poem. Or, well, I don't know. *scratches head* I mean, I liked it, don't get me wrong, and I understand the outpour of emotions, because I do that too, it just . . . didn't get to me as much as I know it would have it it was a bit more . . . organized.. . It's great how it is, but I think it could be even greater if more thought was put into it by going back over it . . . but, even it that not done, it's still quite nice and yea . . . I'm not good with words or explaining what I think, but I saying how I feel, think this poem got the message across quite well, and it could be magnificent. Or . . . well . . . yea. I hope you understand my confusing thinking. >.
    Please dont think i was trying to go against your interpretation of this piece. I was just calling it how i see it (one of my attributes id like to think)
    Art is subjective, so the ways to interpret it are without limit.
    in my head theres a greyhound station, where i send my thoughts to far off destinations.... so they may have a chance of finding a place, thats far more suited than here (ben gibbard)

    www.soundcloud.com/theparadox
    www.myspace.com/polaristheparadox
    www.bombeatzmusic.com
    www.jamvana.com

  10. #10
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    Wow i feel on the same lines....Wow...Nice...



  11. #11
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    i understand everyone's perspective of it >__<
    i should most likely do a remake and clean it up much better
    some poems don't rhyme and most of mine dont (lol)
    <_< maybe in the refined one there will be more rhyming going on
    Noel Fieldling+Julian Barrat= Mighty Boosh Love
    "I"M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!"
    -Chowder

  12. #12
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    heh, well, mine never rhyme. I stink at rhyming. ^^;; Just do what you think is best, and it will be terrific anyway you look at it.
    @polaris1: I completely agree. ^^
    Last edited by Tsuki.; 03-31-2009 at 11:59 PM.


  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by polaris1 View Post
    Please dont think i was trying to go against your interpretation of this piece. I was just calling it how i see it (one of my attributes id like to think)
    Art is subjective, so the ways to interpret it are without limit.
    Just as life (reality thereof) is subjective and yet every one has to acknowledge certain parts of it to fully function in society, and to function in life in general.

    Just as cultures vary in a persons life, so do styles of poetry, but even so there is a line where cultures share certain values (usually), and in that sense it is also true to poetry.

    But I agree with you, and like the fact you used a fun word like 'Subjective' right.

    Quote Originally Posted by ♫mk-chan♫ View Post
    i understand everyone's perspective of it >__<
    i should most likely do a remake and clean it up much better
    some poems don't rhyme and most of mine dont (lol)
    <_< maybe in the refined one there will be more rhyming going on
    That's understandable.I enjoy a clear rhyme scheme or rhythm method, but that doesn't mean you necessarily have to abide by it.

    As for my advice on using rhymes, it's best to use them in a scheme or some sort throughout the poem and not just throw in a few randomly. That's just my ideology

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsuki Moon88 View Post
    heh, well, mine never rhyme. I stink at rhyming. ^^;; Just do what you think is best, and it will be terrific anyway you look at it.
    @polaris1: I completely agree. ^^
    W00t for liberal expression! xDDD


    Perhaps the world was never meant to make perfect sense.


  14. #14
    Senior Member darkrider21 is infamous around these parts darkrider21 is infamous around these parts darkrider21 is infamous around these parts darkrider21 is infamous around these parts darkrider21 is infamous around these parts darkrider21 is infamous around these parts darkrider21 is infamous around these parts darkrider21 is infamous around these parts darkrider21 is infamous around these parts darkrider21 is infamous around these parts darkrider21 is infamous around these parts darkrider21's Avatar
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    Default Re: the ballad of a broken heart

    Il waite for you plays in my head.makes me wish that I were dead.a girl lays 6feet deap who made my heart leap.I miss her smile I miss her touch.a love so gone it hurts much.a frozen heart cannot beat until the day we will meat
    r.i.p Xee
    Last edited by darkrider21; 02-29-2012 at 08:18 AM.
    live life to the fullest because you are not guarantied a tomorrow

  15. #15
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    Default Re: the ballad of a broken heart

    Awesome poem!!!
    A set by blueangel06661

  16. #16
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    Default Re: the ballad of a broken heart

    Besides the mechanical errors, it was good overall. I have to applaud one line in particular "i wish it [were] pangea all over again." I'm glad that you used it as a reference to support the poem's theme of separation.

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