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Thread: A novel-type thingy(prologue)

  1. #1
    Senior Member Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil's Avatar
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    Default A novel-type thingy(prologue)

    The sun had just begun to set on a cool autumn night in a small town in Michigan. A scream pierced the normal silence of this quaint suburb. It was a bloody shriek that would make the most noble men cringe at the very sound. The scream could be traced back to a warehouse overlooking a harbor fed from Lake Erie. Voices soon followed the scream attempting to supress it.
    "Shut your mouth, woman! You don't want to get in more trouble do you?" spoke a man who, to most people, would seem trusting. However, the sick smile he flashed at his victim suggested otherwise. It was a smile of a tormented past coupled with a sick obsession with pain.

    He laughed a sickening laugh and produced a pocket knife. He opened the blade and ran it across his finger, drawing blood. The man placed the finger on the woman's forehead and ran it down to her nose.

    "What are you going to do to me...?" The woman asked with fright, almost choking the words.

    "Oh," said her captor, "Probably kill you. It's fun really, watching you squirm like the maggot you are."

    "Please sir, I'll give you what you want! Name it!" She cried, hoping to sway this sick man's decision.

    "You think it's that easy!?" He pounded the wall with his fist. "You can't give me anything, you simple peon!"

    He brought the knife across her throat gently and pointed it directly at her heart. Without remorse, he thrust the blade into her heart, watching her struggle all the while. He laughed and licked the blade after pulling it from his victim. The blood tasted of metal and he spat in her face as she gasped her final breaths. She died watching this cruel man laugh hysterically.

    "Rest in peace..." He walked away and left the warehouse, only to return the next day.


    What'd ya think??? be honest.

  2. #2
    Senior Member tsujigiri15 has a reputation beyond repute tsujigiri15 has a reputation beyond repute tsujigiri15 has a reputation beyond repute tsujigiri15 has a reputation beyond repute tsujigiri15 has a reputation beyond repute tsujigiri15 has a reputation beyond repute tsujigiri15 has a reputation beyond repute tsujigiri15 has a reputation beyond repute tsujigiri15 has a reputation beyond repute tsujigiri15 has a reputation beyond repute tsujigiri15 has a reputation beyond repute tsujigiri15's Avatar
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    That was a very dramatic opening!! Quite chilling - some very nice description here

    I would say though, the narrative style seems awkard somehow - like it doesnt quite fit the story. I may be wrong - Im no literature buff

    Good luck with the rest if you decide to write more - ill be reading it
    Last edited by tsujigiri15; 03-12-2009 at 02:34 PM.
    On that day, all female personelle under my command will be required to wear... Tiny Miniskirts!!!



  3. #3
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    Wow that was cool, wanna see more.



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    its good but you must improve in the description a little bit..so when is the next part comin out??


    then does strength represent justice, is powerlessness a crime??I'm not the one at fault the world is.

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    Senior Member Zenga has a reputation beyond repute Zenga has a reputation beyond repute Zenga has a reputation beyond repute Zenga has a reputation beyond repute Zenga has a reputation beyond repute Zenga has a reputation beyond repute Zenga has a reputation beyond repute Zenga has a reputation beyond repute Zenga has a reputation beyond repute Zenga has a reputation beyond repute Zenga has a reputation beyond repute Zenga's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tsujigiri15 View Post
    That was a very dramatic opening!! Quite chilling - some very nice description here

    I would say though, the narrative style seems awkard somehow - like it doesnt quite fit the story. I may be wrong - Im no literature buff

    Good luck with the rest if you decide to write more - ill be reading it
    I agree that the narrative is a bit awkward, but other than that it's a rather good opening. It has definitely caught my attention. I'd rate it a 4 out of 5.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil has a reputation beyond repute Dr. Evil's Avatar
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    To answer questions, Chapter 1 is coming soon, Ive been busy w/ my grandfather having a stroke and things so, Im worried more bout family and Amy than the story, but I am still writing.

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