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Thread: Original Fiction: Misfracture (short story)

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    Junior Member Blue Converse is on a distinguished road Blue Converse's Avatar
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    Default Original Fiction: Misfracture (short story)

    Singe peered over the edge of the building top, staring at the mass of people below. Flashbacks of that white room with its crimson stained, padded walls shot through his mind once again. He sighed from relief, and positioned his hands together in front of his face as if he were going to pray. His dark eyes closed, while his mouth opened to several different sounds, none known to the english language. He heard a police officer open the door that had led him to the roof. "Son, will you please come down from there?" The officer yelled. Singe didn't reply. "Will you comprimise?" The older man yelled again. Singe reached his right hand into his pocket and pulled out a small knife. He began to run the blade down his left arm, seeming to write with the cuts. He soon formed the word "Misfracture" in big letters down the vulnerable side of his arm, continuing into his palm for the last few letters. The blood ran quickly from the fresh wounds, sliding down his fingers and dripping down to the street below. He then pulled out what was a different form of a urn, and pulled the lid off to reveal gray ash of a burned body. On the urn was no name, age, gender, or even date of death. "What are you doing, son?" The officer asked again, stepping closer to Singe. Singe's head whipped around. "Do NOT inturrupt me." He said, pointing the knife at the officer's throat. The officer stepped back and nodded, however saying, "Just don't jump. Ok? We can help you." Singe narrowed his eyes, as yet another flashback of the persistent doctors staring at him in that white room flew through his blurred vision. He reached his right hand into the urn, and pulled out a handful of the ashy, charred flesh. He dropped it over the edge of the building, watching the wonderous crowd move back in disgust. The fluffy powder spread into a wide circle as it hit the ground. It then mixed with the blood that had previously fallen, and turned a pale pink. Dropping the urn and letting it bust on the concrete of the building, Singe aligned his feet with the edge of the building as the officer continued to watch him intently. "Son... what are you doing?" He asked yet again. Singe's dark, sinned eyes glanced back at the man. The next thing the young boy knew, was a bright blur of windows, and then a mass of darkness surrounded with a light, pale pink.

  2. #2
    Junior Member Zahnhauser is on a distinguished road Zahnhauser's Avatar
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    You need to learn how to properly construct paragrpahs, do that and you'll instantly be 100% better at writing than you are now.

    Also, where be the hook in this; the reason to make me want to continue reading (outside of my masochistic tendencies, that is)? All I know so far is that there is some kid named Singe, who used to be locked away in a psych ward (presumably due to the flashback involving padded rooms), and is currently looking over a building like an uncommitted suicidal who enjoys cutting himself (or, more likely...maybe, enjoys performing magic rituals involving the mix of his bodily fluids and the remains of a person).

    Oh, and that he, somehow, disappears in a black-pink 'flash'.

    Yeah....

    I don' care about Singe at all at this point. Right now, he is just some kind of freaky-pervert (considering the whole quasi-necrophilia thing he has going on) with magical powers. BORING; give me something that I can relate to, despite the fact that both of us share a heat-seeking moisture missile.

    What the hell does the word "Misfracture" (which isn't a real word, by the way)have to do with anything? Does it have some type of special meaning within the magic that Singe uses, or does he just really enjoy carving "Misfracture" (still not a real word) into his skin every time he needs a bit of blood in his "spells"?

    Where and when is this taking place? Really, that's just as important, if not more so, than my previous points as it helps set the mood for the reader.

    Finally, use a spellchecker and get an editor (or learn how to self edit).
    QUOTE OF THE WEEK
    "People keep giving me rings, but I think that a death ray would be more practical."
    ~Agatha Heterodyne

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    Banned Forum / Chat 95you410kui84 is on a distinguished road 95you410kui84's Avatar
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