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Thread: Original Fiction: A Story: Chapter 1

  1. #1
    Junior Member Longstreet is a splendid one to behold Longstreet is a splendid one to behold Longstreet is a splendid one to behold Longstreet is a splendid one to behold Longstreet is a splendid one to behold Longstreet is a splendid one to behold Longstreet is a splendid one to behold Longstreet's Avatar
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    Default Original Fiction: A Story: Chapter 1

    I've posted this once b4 on INPforums , it's still not done. So I'll keep updating it ^^

    A Story
    By Longstreet

    17 Years ago...

    A cool breeze swept through the dark and empty street. Only on the corner of the street, a light emitted. As you draw closer the scent of fire fills your nostrils. A red-orange glow reflected on the dark gray smoke that erupted from the house. People in the houses nearby seemed to sense the heat of the fire, noticing it more and more as the scent of the smoke grew stronger. Lights emitted from those neighbouring houses and people's heads appeared from windows; others went outside to see the fire from nearby. A faint siren sound could be heard in the distant, which grew louder, as the flames grew larger. Some people, astonished by the high flames, backed off, others tried to pour water over it to control it, however with no success. Many who tried to extinguish the flames gave up; they realized that there was no hope for survivors anyway... Suddenly a cry could be hear, many turned their heads, hoping someone took their child out with them to see the flames. A tall man however, ran to the emblazoned house and slammed the front door open. The man was surrounded by fire, and smoke that choked him. With a hand over his mouth and nose to stop the smoke from penetrating his nostrils, he searched the room for the crying baby which was sitting on the floor in the middle of the room. He grabbed the baby, determined not to succumb to the thick smoke, he ran out of the house. Once outside, he held the baby in his arms and cried. The man was crying with happiness, happy that at least the child of his dearest friends survived...

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Chapter 1 The Secret...

    Present, 17 years later...

    *Ring!*

    School was over, class doors burst open, while the students were running out of them. I myself remained sitting at my desk, waiting until the halls were clear. Slowly I stood up and went to grab my schoolbag from the ground. I could hear approaching students at the hall, I looked up and caught a glimpse of three pretty girls, however only the one in the middle of the three looked back. I must have imagined it; did she just now smile at me? I slingered my schoolbag over my shoulder and left the classroom. As I'm walking home, I could take this oppurunity to introduce myself, I guess. My name is Ace Travis, I'm 17 years old and I have no parents... I lost them in a fire accident when I was only six months old, however I survived. I heard from some people that I was lucky that my uncle, that's what I call him, he's not really my uncle, was right in time to save me. My uncle however never seemed to like discussing that night, so I don't ask him about it. I don't really have any friend and I don't think I need them, anyway I enjoy being alone and I have no interest at all in telling my thoughts to people who may and will tell them to others...

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I opened the door which was suspiciously open... "Anyone home?" I shouted. Without waiting for response I went up the stairs and walked towards my uncle's bedroom door and knocked. No one answered, however. I opened the door and I couldn't believe my eyes... My uncle... I moved towards him, not knowing what I was seeing, my uncle in a pool of blood... Finally I succumbed to the truth, my legs couldn't hold me anymore and everything before me turned black...
    My head hurts, I thought to myself. My hands were touching something soft; I opened my eyes and saw the blue ceiling of my bedroom. I looked down to see my hands clutching my bed sheets, which I was lying on. After I got used to being awake, I then remembered the scene I saw my uncle in. I looked alert at the door; did I just hear sounds form the hallway? I stood up and walked down without making a sound. When I was at de stairs, I looked slowly down and saw 3 people, 2 men were arguing by the door. The other one, who was a girl, was sitting on the couch. I slowly walked down the stairs, still alert and not making any sound. However, I wasn't quiet enough, because the girl noticed me straightaway. She smiled at me, I couldn't believe my eyes, and this was the same girl as before, the same girl that also smiled at me, at school. What is she doing here? She stood up and walked toward me.
    "Hi, I see you've finally woken up." She said. I looked in her beautiful blue eyes, I never noticed them before, not that I actually could, as I never even spoke to her until this point. "Oh, I'm Lenne, Lenne Sommo. I'm sure we passed each other at our school." she continued. "I'm Ace, Ace Travis..." I said hoarsely. "My... Uncle... Wh-where is he?" I stuttered. Lenne was about to say something when one of the two men, whom I totally forgot that they were there, interrupted her.
    "It is forbidden to discuss the crime-scene, Lenne! You should know that!" said the first man. "This is his nephew, who also founded the victim! Why am I not allowed to tell him anything?!" She said angrily. The second man, who seemed to be the calmest of the three said:
    "He is a suspect Lenne... He was found on the ground near his uncle, he could've easily done it. Don't interrupt me Lenne. However he cannot be the suspect, because he has an alibi; he was at school during the crime." I was rather confused by these words, what did he mean with "crime". "By crime, do you mean my uncle was m-murdered?" I asked. "Yes." Said Lenne with a soft voice. I sat down on the couch and looked at my feet. "Who did it, why did they do it and what will happen to them?" I asked without looking up.


    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "I'm afraid we are not obliged to tell you that." Said Lenne, meanwhile casting a nasty look at the first man. "I guess you are detectives of some sort?" I asked. "No we are not..." Said the calm man. I looked up, confused by his words I asked: "If your not detectives, who are you then and why are you investigating the death of my uncle?" "I'm sorry but we are, again, not obliged to tell you." Said Lenne gloomily. "Al right, al right, hold your tears, dammit. You can tell him what he wants, but not too much or you might as well let him join us..." "Join what?" I asked. Lenne answered: "Well we three," She points at herself and the two men, "are the leaders of a secret organization. Your uncle was in it and also some of your relatives, however they are all dead now. We three and you are the only ones that survived..." I didn't believe my ears, are they serious about this? I'll play along with this stupid joke, I thought to myself. "So, why did they get killed and how come we didn't?" I asked in an interested sounding tone. "They got murdered by the government, because we hold a power that common people don't have, we are "special" if you want to word it that way." Said Lenne. I gave a loud snort and said: "This is your excuse, I thought you would at least bring up a better one. If you don't mind I'm going to get some fresh air, I smell bad liars here." I stood up and walked towards the front door and slammed the door before anyone could stop me or call me back...
    The cold night breeze welcomed me; I was only wearing shorts and a T-shirt. I began to walk at a high pace, unconscious of the area around me. I was still infuriated about the lies I’ve been told. My uncle died, no, got murdered and they just joke about it? Another part of his mind began to argue with the other which happened often when I was angry or thinking hard about something: “How could I know they were lying? Maybe they were telling me the truth? Maybe I do have... a power? Said Voice #1. “Impossible,” the other voice replied, “ How come I never noticed any form of my power? I should face the fact that I am a normal person like anyone else... Those ‘liars’ are just simply what they are: liars.” “ Al right then, since you have smart answers, tell me why and how did my uncle die?” demanded Voice #1. “Well... He could be killed by a burglar or an enemy of his could send an assassin or something like that. Answered Voice #2 simply. “Scrap the burglar idea, because nothing of value was stolen. The assassin part also seems very unlikely, because it didn’t seem like my uncle had any enemies of sorts.” Said Voice #1. “I agree on the assassin part, however the burglar idea isn’t something to be easily scrapped. He might’ve been hiding something... Something we didn’t know about, like...” The voices fade away as I heard another pair of footsteps besides those of mine. Without knowing where I was going, I walked straight into an alley. The footsteps were getting closer, I looked over my shoulder. A rough looking man was coming closer with a smirk upon his face. I never had a fight before and I didn’t think I could stand a chance against this big man. I continued walking again, however my path was blocked by another rough-looking man, with the same smirk as the one behind me. Both men were getting closer, I realised that there was no escape. I readied myself to fight; I didn't want to surrender that easily without a fight.
    "Oi Sef," said the man in front of me, with a laugh, "this kid really thinks he stands a chance against us."
    "I admire your bravery, kid. However, not even a grown man would dare to fight us. I advice you the same and to just give us your valuables." Said the man who was called Sef. The sound of more footsteps were heard , however no one moved. I looked around me to look for the source. The two muggers were also confused, so I guessed that it wasn’t another of their friends.
    “Ah I see you guys are looking for trouble again?” said a far away voice from above, that seemed to get closer somehow. I looked up just in time to see a man falling. He fell right next to me and said: “Ace isn’t it? I heard all about you from Lenne and the others.”

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    I looked astonished at the man that somehow survived falling 30 feet from the sky. I looked at the men who were slightly paler. “Being the caring man, that I am, I traced your trail to this smelly place.” He continued. He glared at both men. “Right in time, I see. These two and me have quite a history, you know. Right guys? He added and then started to laugh. The two muggers were backing off alertly. “Sef, you disappoint me... I thought you was braver, however now you are running away? I guess I really scared you by my entrance. *Hmpf* You should take an example of my friend Ace here. He was going to fight you, even though he doesn’t even have any experience in fighting.” Said the unknown man with a disappointed voice, however he was grinning. “You might think I have said the kid. However, I actually saved your asses. This kid may seem weak but he has powers that he is unaware of. If you would fight him, he, with no doubt, would have slaughtered you without breaking a sweat.” The unknown man continued, unaware that he is the only one talking. A moment of silence passed before I understood the meaning of his words and wanted to reply, I was interrupted. “HAH! Don’t make me laugh! This bony kid would have died by a single blow. If your so confident about him beating me, let me...” He couldn’t finish his last words. The unknown man kicked him straight up, moments later the mugger fell down. I was astonished at his speed and inhuman strength. How could he kick the 300 kilo man so high up? “ALLEN!!!! NOOO!!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT!!!” Screamed Sef. “He annoyed me.” Said the unknown man with a straight face. I was still simply astonished by the fact that the mugger could be kicked so high. The unknown man turned to the other mugger. “Sef, I think it’s best for you to leave, now. Your friend is dead I crushed his rib bone which went into his heart. He won’t be able to make it.” Said the unknown man. “DAMN YOU! WHY DID YOU DO THAT!” Said Sef. I looked up at his and saw that he was crying. “Leave!” repeated the unknown man. The man ran away screaming swear words at the unknown man. He then turned to me and smiled. “What’s wrong? You look like you have seen a monster or something.” He said, half laughing.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Hope you enjoyed it and please tell me if I did some grammar errors or typo errors.

    Btw this is 100% my story and if you find anything like this except for on INP, contact me please... I can also prove that this is mine by scanning the original paper where I wrote this ^^.

    Anyway if you guys really like it, I might publice other chapters biggrin.gif.

    Longstreet - Trust The Long Shot!
    Check out my newborn site (exists for a week now)
    http://Aniready.tk

  2. #2
    Ellxeeva's Minion SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD's Avatar
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    I think it's pretty good. Mysterious and suspenseful. I can't wait to see the next chapter. You're a good writer; the only thing you need to do is to fix it. For example, whenever someone else is talking, start their dialogue on a new line.

    Like this: "“ALLEN!!!! NOOO!!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT!!!” Screamed Sef.
    “He annoyed me.” Said the unknown man with a straight face. I was still simply astonished by the fact that the mugger could be kicked so high. The unknown man turned to the other mugger. “Sef, I think it’s best for you to leave, now. Your friend is dead I crushed his rib bone which went into his heart. He won’t be able to make it.” Said the unknown man.
    “DAMN YOU! WHY DID YOU DO THAT!” Said Sef. I looked up at his and saw that he was crying.
    “Leave!” repeated the unknown man. The man ran away screaming swear words at the unknown man. He then turned to me and smiled. “What’s wrong? You look like you have seen a monster or something.” He said, half laughing."

    Hope this comment helps.
    If Minecraft had a Japanese intro.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=H5qFZjuKet4

    |Set made by Neukifly|

    Super Saiyan Dango


  3. #3
    Junior Member Longstreet is a splendid one to behold Longstreet is a splendid one to behold Longstreet is a splendid one to behold Longstreet is a splendid one to behold Longstreet is a splendid one to behold Longstreet is a splendid one to behold Longstreet is a splendid one to behold Longstreet's Avatar
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    Dnno that's not a REAL grammar rule. The only grammar rule on the location of dialogues= go to a new line if someone NEW talks
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    Users Awaiting Email Confirmation Savage Muraki is infamous around these parts Savage Muraki is infamous around these parts Savage Muraki is infamous around these parts Savage Muraki is infamous around these parts Savage Muraki is infamous around these parts Savage Muraki is infamous around these parts Savage Muraki is infamous around these parts Savage Muraki is infamous around these parts Savage Muraki is infamous around these parts Savage Muraki is infamous around these parts Savage Muraki is infamous around these parts Savage Muraki's Avatar
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    Really nice imagination. Impressive...well tried.


  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Longstreet View Post
    Dnno that's not a REAL grammar rule. The only grammar rule on the location of dialogues= go to a new line if someone NEW talks
    The "new speaker" rule refers to any change in the person/character who is currently speaking. If you are writing a conversation between two people, even if those are previously established characters, it is looked upon as good grammar to begin a new paragraph each time you change speakers.

    Many of the "rules" in writing and grammar are not set in stone, but are designed to make the writing more accessible and easier to read.

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