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Thread: Goodbye

  1. #1
    Captain No Pants Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki.'s Avatar
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    Default Goodbye

    um, I've been working on this one for a couple days, but can't seem to really move forward. so, tell me whatcha think.

    Goodbye

    It's better this way,
    though you beg me to stay.
    Still I must go,
    though it hurts so.

    Acid tears and sad melodies,
    become my life,
    but that's all right,
    as long as you're safe,
    away from me.

    Even though it hurts in my chest,
    Still, I will wait, through all the rest.
    Even though these tears burn my cheek,
    Still, I will fight, never be weak.

    I watched as my fingers
    slipped from your grip,
    And as they dragged you away.
    You fought so hard,
    to stay with me,
    but still it wasn't enough.

    I don't want to hurt you,
    on my finger I chew.
    So you don't have to see,
    the monster I will be.

    Break my ties with the outside world,
    Before I become a monster.
    All bent up, cruel,
    and hurtful.

    These chains that bind me to the wall,
    Hurt, but I want to save you all.
    Soon you will be out of my sight,
    But I know that you will still fight.

    These tears still burn,
    but that's okay,
    I love you,
    I'm sorry,
    goodbye.
    Last edited by Tsuki.; 01-25-2009 at 10:16 PM.


  2. #2
    Nanobyte's minion SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD's Avatar
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    Default

    That's was pretty good. The beggining was a bit shaky, but it got better as the poem progressed. My favorite stanza is the last on though. I think the intro needs work, it just doesn't lead well into the poem. I was examining the poem, and I really think the last sentence of the second stanza would sound better if you said "away from me" instead of just "from me".
    If Minecraft had a Japanese intro.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=H5qFZjuKet4

    |Set made by Neukifly|

    Super Saiyan Dango


  3. #3
    Captain No Pants Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki.'s Avatar
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    Default

    ^.^ it's always the intros I have issues with. I'll work on it.

    yea, that does sound better.

    okay, thanks Sigma. ^_^


  4. #4
    Member TacticianMark has a reputation beyond repute TacticianMark has a reputation beyond repute TacticianMark has a reputation beyond repute TacticianMark has a reputation beyond repute TacticianMark has a reputation beyond repute TacticianMark has a reputation beyond repute TacticianMark has a reputation beyond repute TacticianMark has a reputation beyond repute TacticianMark has a reputation beyond repute TacticianMark has a reputation beyond repute TacticianMark has a reputation beyond repute TacticianMark's Avatar
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    Default

    Wow... that's a really good poem.the first half is really good, but I like the last half better though. There's something about it that gets me...
    "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright before you hear them speak."


  5. #5
    Captain No Pants Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki.'s Avatar
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    Default

    yea, I'm not as good on the beginning.


  6. #6
    Senior Member DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince has a reputation beyond repute DarkMoonPrince's Avatar
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    Default

    It was pretty good, was it supposed to be like- rhyme then no rhyme, rhyme then no rhyme type of poem, either way, Keep up the good work.

  7. #7
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    Default

    I am gonna call you "Suki"
    come back to your poem , i was hooked by the name of it. Goodbye itself has so many meanings....and you did a nice job. Keep on trying you will get better and better.
    The atmosphere of it was nice. Feels like souls flying around me....
    wish me luck for furture guys!!!!
    Thanks for everything!!!
    ^___^

  8. #8
    Is Me Your AF Waifu has a reputation beyond repute Your AF Waifu has a reputation beyond repute Your AF Waifu has a reputation beyond repute Your AF Waifu has a reputation beyond repute Your AF Waifu has a reputation beyond repute Your AF Waifu has a reputation beyond repute Your AF Waifu has a reputation beyond repute Your AF Waifu has a reputation beyond repute Your AF Waifu has a reputation beyond repute Your AF Waifu has a reputation beyond repute Your AF Waifu has a reputation beyond repute Your AF Waifu's Avatar
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    Default

    Don't worry about it. I always stink at the start of different things. Anyways, nice poem. The ending of the poem was better, but I still liked the first half. Overall, a decent poem.

    Rating - 7/10
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    ~Me, when my waifu confessed her love to me~

  9. #9
    Captain No Pants Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki.'s Avatar
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    Default

    @ DarkMoon Prince: Yea, that's what I was trying to do, but I'm terrible at rhyming, and it was quite hard for me to do.

    @Silent Madness: That's okay with me. and thanks again. I'll continue trying to get better. ^_^

    @-Raiken-: Hey, you read my poem! =D It's been a while since I've heard from you . . . thanks.


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