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Thread: Why?

  1. #1
    Senior Member Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Why?

    I had to write this, forgive me if it seems a little much.

    I do not fear the dark;
    I fear what the dark hides.
    When the sun sets,
    And I lay down my head,
    Oh, what thoughts I think!
    Visions of death and destruction,
    Of entire worlds laid bare.
    Or more personal reflection;
    Of siblings harmed, of oppressors.
    And of course, what I would do to those tormenters.
    When night falls, all of the monsters come out to play.
    I am tortured by this!
    I worry every night about things,
    Events that are so improbable,
    They may as well be impossible.
    And yet I lay there, and I think.
    My gift and my curse,
    My mind is racing at all times.
    By why, why do I feel this way?
    This despair, this depression
    That only occurs between 8 and 8,
    Why?
    What is wrong with me?
    I cannot stop this,
    Ever wondering,
    Ever hurting myself with a thousand small cuts.
    It is in bed I cry, because my cat died.
    It is in bed I protect my family from imaginary foes.
    It is in bed I die a thousand deaths,
    Each more futile than the last.
    It is at night I contemplate nothingness
    The Void itself,
    Only to scare myself.
    It is true;
    When I stare into that dark abyss,
    It also stares back at me.
    Oh, Lord!
    Make it stop!
    No longer can I defeat my horrors
    Through force of will.
    They seep through the cracks in my armor,
    Gaining holds on my heart
    And the more emotional I get,
    The worse it becomes.
    When I was cold, logical
    I could ignore it;
    I could ignore the call of the damned.
    But now I am open, flowing with feelings
    And I cannot shut that door.
    How can I live with this?
    Truly, I do not fear the dark;
    I fear what hides in my mind.
    Nøytral
    følelsesløs
    Min logikk kretser
    Blir skadet
    Ved en landeplage av følelser!
    Hva kan jeg gjøre?
    Alt jeg trodde jeg var ...
    Jeg er blitt mer.
    Mer menneske; et annet cog i maskinen av livet.
    Hvorfor kan jeg nyte dette?
    Jeg er så forvirret ...

  2. #2
    Ellxeeva's Minion SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD has a reputation beyond repute SigmaSD's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default

    I really hope you're not really cutting yourself just because your cat died. If you are, talk to someone about it, it'll help you get over your cat's death.

    I thought the poem was good. You could've change the wording to make it flow better, or to make the imagery more vivid. For the structure, I would say to separate it into separate paragraphs to make it more neater. Over all, I think is was a good poem.
    If Minecraft had a Japanese intro.

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  3. #3
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    Default

    I like the words, But i don't really like the way it's put, But i like the poem though. I know you can do better. Try to put it in small paragraphs next time.


    Live Each Day As If It Was Your Last. . .

  4. #4
    Senior Member wordfarer has a reputation beyond repute wordfarer has a reputation beyond repute wordfarer has a reputation beyond repute wordfarer has a reputation beyond repute wordfarer has a reputation beyond repute wordfarer has a reputation beyond repute wordfarer has a reputation beyond repute wordfarer has a reputation beyond repute wordfarer has a reputation beyond repute wordfarer has a reputation beyond repute wordfarer has a reputation beyond repute wordfarer's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default

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  5. #5
    Captain No Pants Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki. has a reputation beyond repute Tsuki.'s Avatar
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    Default

    In truth, I do not know what I think about this poem.
    It tells of darkness, fear, and pain with no real bright parts,
    a poem of misery where you hang upon every word as though it may be the last.
    The beginning and middle, to me, seem a bit random. As if the words were put in a sentance and then all thrown into a little space where they must separate until there is nothing left but confusion.
    I like the first two lines of the beginning and ending the best because of how the ending sentances goes back to the beginning sentances to . . . well, it's hard to explain but I like it the way it is.
    All in all I like the poem, although i would move the middle lines around.


  6. #6
    Senior Member Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul's Avatar
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    Default

    It's not much. It just seems that way because of how it is presented on the page. A big part of poetry is the display of the finished product. You just need to structure it so it doesn't look like a deep bog that you have to wade through and pick out pieces. Overall the poem is good like tsuki moon says the middle just needs some rewording. Just remember that the way you display your poems should add to it's contents.
    The fool sees the bend but doesn't look beyond it.


  7. #7
    Senior Member Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense has a reputation beyond repute Future_Defense's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SigmaSD View Post
    I really hope you're not really cutting yourself just because your cat died. If you are, talk to someone about it, it'll help you get over your cat's death.

    I thought the poem was good. You could've change the wording to make it flow better, or to make the imagery more vivid. For the structure, I would say to separate it into separate paragraphs to make it more neater. Over all, I think is was a good poem.
    Wow. No, I don't cut myself in general, no matter what the situation. I just felt that I needed to write this to get it off my chest.
    Nøytral
    følelsesløs
    Min logikk kretser
    Blir skadet
    Ved en landeplage av følelser!
    Hva kan jeg gjøre?
    Alt jeg trodde jeg var ...
    Jeg er blitt mer.
    Mer menneske; et annet cog i maskinen av livet.
    Hvorfor kan jeg nyte dette?
    Jeg er så forvirret ...

  8. #8
    Faded Existence Rein* has a reputation beyond repute Rein* has a reputation beyond repute Rein* has a reputation beyond repute Rein* has a reputation beyond repute Rein* has a reputation beyond repute Rein* has a reputation beyond repute Rein* has a reputation beyond repute Rein* has a reputation beyond repute Rein* has a reputation beyond repute Rein* has a reputation beyond repute Rein* has a reputation beyond repute Rein*'s Avatar
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    Default yup

    It sucked me in. I am reminded of some of my own nights by the narrator. Its a wonderful poem. I especially like the honesty of it. Though you say your fear is what hides in your mind. I think you should embrace parts of it because it can turn out to be a beautiful thing.

    Never let fear of anything stop you from doing something.
    Again excellent work.

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