Marginal Prince - Kimi e, Oyasumi

[EJTranslations]

Translating song lyrics is clearly a more productive way of spending my time than sleeping. Anyway, this is a pretty simple one and didn't give me much trouble, but I thought I'd post it here anyway just in case there are mistakes I haven't caught. It is rather late at night, after all.

初めて逢った頃には　すべてが輝いて
いつでも隣で君が　微笑んでくれてた
眠れない夜は　つぶやいてみるんだ　愛しさをこめて　君の名を
今夜もきっと夢で逢えるよ
だから君もそっとおやすみ
この唄が届くように　遠い君のもとへ

hajimete atta koro ni wa subete ga kagayaite
itsudemo tonari de kimi ga hohoende kurete'ta
nemurenai yoru wa tsubuyaite miru n'da itoshisa o komete kimi no na o
kon'ya mo kitto yume de aeru yo
dakara kimi mo sotto oyasumi
kono uta ga todoku you ni tooi kimi no moto e

The first time we met, everything was shining
You were always at my side, smiling
On sleepless nights I try whispering your name, filling it with my love
Surely I'll meet you in dreams again tonight
So I softly say "goodnight" to you too
May this song reach the far-away place where you are

愛だけを信じていた　汚れなき二人は
幾つもの時代（とき）を越えて　永遠となるだろう
君と僕は今　こんなに遠いけど　神様は見放しはしない
大切な愛はいつもここにあると
そうさ　知っているから
この唄が届くように　遠い君のもとへ

ai dake o shinjite ita yogorenaki futari wa
ikutsumo no toki o koete eien to naru no darou
kimi to boku wa ima konna ni tooi kedo kami-sama wa mihanashi wa shinai
taisetsu na ai wa itsumo koko ni aru to
sou sa shitte iru kara
kono uta ga todoku you ni tooi kimi no moto e

The two of us who are pure and believe only in love
Could have crossed over countless generations and become eternal
Even though you and I are so far apart now, God hasn't given up on us
Because I know* that our precious love
Yes, will always be here
May this song reach the far-away place where you are

忘れないでいて　愛するということがこんなにも大事だってこと
今夜もきっと夢で逢えるよ
だから君もそっとおやすみ
この唄が届くように　遠い君のもとへ
遠い君のもとへ

wasurenaide ite aisuru to iu koto ga konna ni mo daiji da tte koto
kon'ya mo kitto yume de aeru yo
dakara kimi mo sotto oyasumi
kono uta ga todoku you ni tooi kimi no moto e
tooi kimi no moto e

Don't forget how important this thing called love is
Surely I'll meet you in dreams again tonight
So I softly say "goodnight" to you too
May this song reach the far-away place where you are
The far-away place where you are

* Not sure whether it's God or the singer who's the subject here.

[AzureDark]

* - The singer is the subject, I can't really explain it here but that's my gut feeling. It's something to do with the next sentence.

I feel the translation's adequate enough. I do see a few things but it's only about the style and I really don't want to force it on you, but if you still want to know them just tell me.

[EJTranslations]

I'd still like to hear your stylistic stuff, if you don't mind. I know the translation's not as smooth as it could be in places.

[AzureDark]

Please take these with just a pinch of salt because it's only style corrections as I mentioned.

1) >On sleepeless nights I try whispering your name, filling it with my love
I could just mention only the spelling mistake, because I applaud how you rearranged the sentence - yet if it was me I'd keep the structure because I'm such a dramatic translator.
On sleepless nights I'd softly utter, with all my love, your name

2) >Believing only in love, the two of us who are stainless
>May be able to cross over countless times and become eternal
"Stainless" is more of a physical state of being than spiritual; let's just take the simple negative-reversal, or if you still want to be literal, a better description.
The sentencing for the second line is a bit off; "times" looks more of a counter than a noun - and considering the kanji used, it would be "generations" if your principle with figuratives means that you would base the translation from the kanji.
All in all, the meaning for 'darou' changes from "may" to "would've (by now)" because of 'to naru' signifying as so; you must also relate to what comes next because the singer even assures without doubt that God hadn't forsaken their bonds.
The two of us, (pure/sinless) and had solely believed in (our) love
Would have gone through countless generations and became eternal
Use "generations" especially if the series believes in reincarnation and stuff like that.

3) >Don't forget how important this thing called love is
I know 'koto' is there for that, but for a love song, this phrase is too casual;
(Please) don't forget, that "to love" needs to be kept so precious to you
I probably made that more complicated than before, but don't forget the stress 'konna ni mo' gave to the line.

[EJTranslations]

Thanks!

1. Whoops, I don't know how I missed that typo. I think I'd rather keep the line rearranged, though -- yours is more dramatic and puts more emphasis on the "your name" part, but I prefer my translations to sound more natural.

2. I knew "stainless" wasn't the right word, but I couldn't think of a better one. Your suggestion is overall a lot better than the way I had it originally, so thanks (again).

3. Hmm, I like your suggestion for the most part, but using "to love" as a noun seems too awkward. I can't figure out what I could use instead though.