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Thread: Original Fiction: The lengend of Zale. Chapter 1.

  1. #1
    Senior Member Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince has a reputation beyond repute Anime-Prince's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Original Fiction: The lengend of Zale. Chapter 1.

    He woke up with the birds as usual. The light shone down into his old wooden hut. He rolled over and wished that he could replace the birds with a regular alarm. He sighed, and pulled off the cloth he used as a blanket.

    Zale was 19, and had lived in this hut in the middle of nowhere for as long as he could remember. He left home after outlaws attacked his old town. He desired vengeance, and so made it his mission to hunt down those that had done other people wrong.

    Zale sighed, and stood up. He rubbed his slightly stubbled chin. Zale had dark-brown messy, yet thick hair. He was lean, and yet toned, and stood at about 5’10. He stood up, already in dark brown pants, and shoved a white shirt on, that was too big for him. He rolled up the sleeves. Zale attached the wristbands, and fingerless gloves.

    There was a half full carton of orange juice on the side of his table. He slowly wandered over still half asleep and took a sip. A sip meaning the rest of the orange jiuce. Zale let out a partially satisfied “ahh..” as he tasted the natural juice replenish him with a little energy.

    He looked at the scroll he’d placed carelessly half in and half out of his wooden draw. It read ‘North by West. East by South. East of the Jungle, west of the sand. The next exchange will take place.’ Zale shoved it into his pocket, and grabbed a bun. He ate it on the go as he armed himself.

    Zale kept a broad sword, and a small revolver, by his side. He loaded what he needed into his back pack, and headed out. He needed to get to this exchange, and see if he’d run into the same people he’d been following for the last 3 months.

    The band of ‘…..’

    Meltas’…

    They were known as one of the most fearsome bands of outlaws in the country. Zale armed up, and ready to rock, moved out of his hut and headed through the outlands following the path that his map dictated. He walked with a confident step. He knew (most of the time) what he was doing.

    The outlands were desolate, yet occasionally brimming with wildlife. Apart from the occasional green however the lands showed a dark orange, and brown colour. Horrendously high rocks would impede your path. Deep waters, with evil undercurrents would stop your march. Zale however was a guy who wouldn’t let the word ‘limit’ enter his mind.

    He saw a small lizard. That seemed to take a liken to Zale. This was when he stopped to take a water break. Zale began to move, and as soon as he took the first two steps, this little lizard did too. Zale stopped and tilted his head in the direction of the lizard. Is this thing for real? He took another step. So did the lizard. It tilted its head in response to Zales curious look.

    ”You don’t want to follow me little guy.” Zale said to the lizard. “Full of danger where im going you know.”

    The little lizard seemed as impossible as it may sound, to have understood his human companion. He scurried away under a rock.

    Zale half smiled, and moved on. He sighed as he walked. Dust was everywhere. And night began to approach. The dark was casting it’s shadow across the land. Looking into the distance, Zale spotted what seemed to be a light, maybe caused by a fire.
    Hmmm. is that a small town? How many people would be there... Well… I suppose I could sleep out in the forest. He thought.
    Yet the town didn’t seem that hostile. And he had walked for over 12 hours. And they did seem to have a smell of food coming from the fire.
    Maybe I’ll just try it out. If its no good, I’ll sleep in the forest.

    It seemed like a good plan. Zale walked along for another 10 minutes before he slowly approached the fire. It was a massive fire. Exploding red and orange embers, surrounded by wood, that the townsfolk had put on it to ensure it stayed through the night. There were 5 old adults, 2 guys and one girl. The guys and girl where around 20 years old. One of the boys caught sight of Zale and walked over.

    ”Hey! Dude.. Don’t you know it’s dangerous to walk round here at night?” One of the guys said. He was around 6’ft with black spiky hair.
    ”Well it is if your Murphy!” The other guy said walking over to join his partner. They stood together leaning on each others shoulders, trying hard to act cool.

    Let me know what you think so far.
    Fascinated by the rain, influenced by the wind. Adventure for fun.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul has a reputation beyond repute Azul's Avatar
    Gil
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    It is going in a great direction. I like what i have seen so far. I'm am anxious to see where you go from here. waiting for the next chapter.
    The fool sees the bend but doesn't look beyond it.


  3. #3
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    I think it's really good. My suggestion would be to use the word he and a little bit less.

    For example, in paragraph three you wrote, "Zale sighed, and stood up. He rubbed his slightly stubbled chin. Zale had dark-brown messy, yet thick hair. He was lean, and yet toned, and stood at about 5’10. He stood up, already in dark brown pants, and shoved a white shirt on, that was too big for him. He rolled up the sleeves. Zale attached the wristbands, and fingerless gloves".

    You don't have to fix all of them, but try to rephrase some sentences so the story flows better. Other than that, you're fine. Just remember to stay focused on the plot.
    If Minecraft had a Japanese intro.

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