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Thread: Original Fiction: Enchilla [Work in Progress]

  1. #1
    Old and Cranky Rem Nightfall has a reputation beyond repute Rem Nightfall has a reputation beyond repute Rem Nightfall has a reputation beyond repute Rem Nightfall has a reputation beyond repute Rem Nightfall has a reputation beyond repute Rem Nightfall has a reputation beyond repute Rem Nightfall has a reputation beyond repute Rem Nightfall has a reputation beyond repute Rem Nightfall has a reputation beyond repute Rem Nightfall has a reputation beyond repute Rem Nightfall has a reputation beyond repute Rem Nightfall's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Original Fiction: Enchilla [Work in Progress]

    Enchilla
    [The alarm went off flashes of gray filled the corridors. Men screaming and running.
    Men: Oh my god! Oh my god! We're going to get kill!
    Following close behind was a manic looking young man.]
    Young man: Where're you going!
    Men: OH GOD! SAVE US! SAVE US! SOMEONE HELPS US!
    Young man(laughing): No one is going to save you...not even god. Because you know what...he doesn't exist anywhere.
    Men: NO...(the man gains on them) No...(he gets closer)...No(closer)AAAHA!
    Young man(laughing at the bodies): Hope your spirits remember the name Enchilla.
    [Scene change-An ordinary Japanese home. The television on the news station showing the horrible gruesome deaths of some market men.
    Newswoman: We are still not sure who did this. The men brutally hacked into pieces...
    The television was turned off by a young man who heads out walking to school. Halfway through the walk he is grabbed by a muscular guy.]
    Guy: Hey Enchilla.
    (Enchilla bites his hand.)
    Guy: WHAA...YOU'RE NOT AN ANIMAL ENCHILLA!
    (Enchilla bares his teeth and kinda of growls.)
    Guy: I said YOU'RE NOT AN ANIMAL!
    (Enchilla runs for it dashing into a crowd of school girls.)
    [Scene change-School courtyard Enchilla tries to dodge every living human possible. Until he is grabbed in chibi form.]
    Guy: Why did you run from me?
    Enchilla: Because you're an idiot Saku.
    Saku: Guess what I finally was on the news I guess the smasher and his great awesome heavy sword killings finally paid off.
    Enchilla: You mean the great idiot who doesn't know how to kill and wants to bring attention to his murders...I knew it.
    Saku: YOU BASTARD I'M NOT AN IDIOT...I'M THE GREATEST...I'M MAGNIFCANT...I'M...
    (A soft giggle cuts Saku off and Enchilla turns around to see the schools rich pride and joy Nova.)
    Saku(startled): N..n..NOVA!
    Nova: Hello watcha talking about? Killing and smashing were you the ones who ruined my dad's Halloween Pumpkin decorations before Halloween.
    Saku: In fact yes...that's what we are going to anyone else's heads...those pumpkins resemble every one of your families heads.
    Nova: Theres four...
    Saku: Right there's four heads for each pumpkin.
    Nova: My dad only put out three pumpkins and there is four in my family.
    Saku: Right.
    Nova(laughing): Well I'm off to do whatever...
    Saku: You please, but don't worry I'll stop you.
    (Nova walks off laughing and Saku looks at Enchilla.)
    Enchilla: Has any one every told you that you were stupid?
    Saku: Yes. But how am I stupid? I might actually be smart and my intellect is dumb down by these mere mortals.
    Enchilla: I rest my case its right in front of your nose and you can't smell it. Anyway you just answered your own question. But then again get intellectual Saku most of known that.
    (Saku heres the marching boots of a Gothic girl.)
    Saku: Mei! I have to hide...oh **** I'm dead meat.
    (Saku runs off and the focus goes to a gothic girl around some ordinary looking girls.)
    Gothic girl: You owe me some money.
    Ordinary girl: Here Mei have it all.
    Mei(laughing evilly with some weird creatures in the background laughing as well): Thanks...Now I have to find Saku he owes me a lot...and if he doesn't have it he's eating knuckle sandwiches for the rest of his life.
    (Mei runs off with an evil smile on her face. Enchilla sighs.)
    Enchilla: This school has a bunch of retards running it.
    Irrelevant character in shades: You're telling me.
    Enchilla: Don't dazzle yourself in my life you...you...you...
    Irrelevant character: You what?
    Enchilla: You weird sunglasses wearing kid.
    Irrelevant character: Hey how did you know my name? Later dude got to get to school.
    (Enchilla's face drop out of shock. Enchilla then walks off to his first year classes with a heavy sigh. Word thoughts come up: Let me kill them! Let me kill all of them! Let me be me and let me out of this dark cage.)
    Enchilla(grabbing his forehead): Shut up!
    [Scene change-An ordinary classroom with an ordinary teacher. Enchilla is looking out the window not really paying attention.
    Teacher: Blah! Blah blah blah! Blah!
    Teacher thought bubble: Why am I talking like this?]
    (Enchilla gets a note thrown at his head. Its from Saku.)
    Enchilla(look around the room to see Saku's face of glee): Its from Saku you can tell because he has that stupid donkey look on his face.
    (Enchilla opened it and it read: Tonight at Berch Port. Enchilla sighed and replied with a yes. He threw the letter back making sure it hit the stupid in the head.)
    (Enchilla watched as the paper hits its mark.)
    Enchilla: Another perfect score.
    (Enchilla then was tapped on the shoulder behind him sat Nova.)
    Nova: You're not really suppose to be passing notes.
    Enchilla: And what I do is none of your business...unless we share the same asses and if that trues then next time I stick the note up both our asses.
    Nova: I was just telling you to watch out.
    Enchilla: I strangle you if you ever talk to me again...I strangle you with your guts you hear me.
    Nova(a little shocked): I was just trying to be friendly with you...
    Enchilla(eyes going piratically insane): I don't need you to be friendly with me...you don't like me and I don't like you.
    Nova(looking at his desk and mumble): I never said I didn't like him...(looking at Enchilla) well I'm sorry if I didn't want you to get caught.
    (Enchilla turned away. What's wrong with you Enchilla? Don't do that you can't do that. You'll kill the whole school if you do that.)
    Teacher: Well Nova do you want to come on the board and tell me what animal Enchilla reminds you of.
    Enchilla: What why me? Why does he have to do me?
    Teacher: Don't worry Enchilla you get to do him next.
    (Nova walked up to the board.)
    Nova: Enchilla reminds me of a cat because when he talks about creepy gothic stuff his eyes light up like a cats full of feline rage...also I think Enchilla is more gothic then Mei.
    Mei(now standing): HEY WATCH WHAT YOU'RE SAYING NOVA...I mean Mrs. Hippo.
    Nova: I'm not a hippo and I'm not a girl.
    Mei: You look like one its those ears of yours and I couldn't tell your sex since your hair is so silky.
    Nova: I do not like your prickly disposition.
    Mei: Are you calling me a porcupine?
    Nova: No I'm calling you a cow.
    Mei(shocked and startled) Cccc...COW!
    (Mei stands up with a bolt of lightning behind her. She sees herself in a cow costume her breast juggling.)
    Mei: You BASTARD...YOU'RE GOING TO EAT MORE THEN JUST A KNUCKLE SANDWICH!
    Nova: Is there a chicken sandwich involved.
    Mei: None of its going to taste good.
    Nova: Is that a threat.
    Mei: Yes it is are you going to call daddy.
    (Saku steps in front of the class and takes out a chalk for the chalk board. He writes Nova and Mei on two sides.
    He starts marking them with tallies.)
    Saku: Both Nova and Mei have two points.

    Wedding is in October. And I'm going to be a dad. Super excited.

  2. #2
    boopaloop! Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default

    You should really try to write like a real story. Not just text. If I wanted to read inane conversation and text scrolling on a screen I'd go into chat.

    You need to describe the characters, what they're doing look like, how they're talking, if they're angry, blah blah
    making emo kids[/URL] cry since 1998


  3. #3
    Senior Member Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian's Avatar
    Gil
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    I stopped at "We're going to get kill!"

    Where's the 'ed'?

    Grammar aside, if you're interested in writing scripts, there's a whole structure concerning them. Good script writing can be fun to read as well. I suggest you improve the following :-

    a) You need to add in a description to almost every speech line detailing what is around the character, what he/she feels and where he/she is. Imagine if you were an actor/actress yourself. You would need to know everything about why a person said what he/she said in order to give an effective performance. Let's take a section of your piece as an example :-

    "Young man(laughing): No one is going to save you...not even god. Because you know what...he doesn't exist anywhere."

    You just added 'laughing'. There are many types of laughs. Was laughing hysterically? Demonically? Or was he just giving blood curdling giggles? What was he thinking when he was laughing? I assume in this case it was because the fleeing people seemed pathetic.

    b) You need to space out your text. Scripts can be a chore to read if they're all mushed up together. I take a glance and then my eyes refuse to go on because of the torture.

    Finally, do have a good thought about this. I think you're going somewhere it's just that you need to do a lot of filling up.

    Hope this helps.

    ~*Why don't they get tired, Because they're fools, Don't fools get tired, How can fools get tired?*~ www.hypergraphiansmuse.blogspot.com
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  4. #4
    TheNannie Lady_Baneheart_Of_Blades has a reputation beyond repute Lady_Baneheart_Of_Blades has a reputation beyond repute Lady_Baneheart_Of_Blades has a reputation beyond repute Lady_Baneheart_Of_Blades has a reputation beyond repute Lady_Baneheart_Of_Blades has a reputation beyond repute Lady_Baneheart_Of_Blades has a reputation beyond repute Lady_Baneheart_Of_Blades has a reputation beyond repute Lady_Baneheart_Of_Blades has a reputation beyond repute Lady_Baneheart_Of_Blades has a reputation beyond repute Lady_Baneheart_Of_Blades has a reputation beyond repute Lady_Baneheart_Of_Blades has a reputation beyond repute Lady_Baneheart_Of_Blades's Avatar
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    Please continue. I understand that this is in script format, at least it is better than the dumb and dumber script on the internet. Please explain how they look like and their expressions and what the men are doing are they running away.
    Thank you for the gift Nespa



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  5. #5
    Senior Member Princely Dreaming Doll has a reputation beyond repute Princely Dreaming Doll has a reputation beyond repute Princely Dreaming Doll has a reputation beyond repute Princely Dreaming Doll has a reputation beyond repute Princely Dreaming Doll has a reputation beyond repute Princely Dreaming Doll has a reputation beyond repute Princely Dreaming Doll has a reputation beyond repute Princely Dreaming Doll has a reputation beyond repute Princely Dreaming Doll has a reputation beyond repute Princely Dreaming Doll has a reputation beyond repute Princely Dreaming Doll has a reputation beyond repute Princely Dreaming Doll's Avatar
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    Up there Rem Nightfall was my temporary account, so yeah. Now I am to respond to this.
    I'm going to make this a bit clearer. This was a script for the manga I was writing.
    All the characters are drawn by me, the story is done by me, everything is done by me.
    So it's written in a way that I can decipher what I am doing.

    This is a manga script.


    "There exist only three respectable beings: the priest, the warrior, the poet. To know, to kill, and to create."-Charles Baudelaire

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