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Thread: Original Fiction: Shinigamis World: Chapters 1 & 2

  1. #1
    Junior Member Blood Love is infamous around these parts Blood Love is infamous around these parts Blood Love is infamous around these parts Blood Love is infamous around these parts Blood Love is infamous around these parts Blood Love's Avatar
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    Lightbulb Original Fiction: Shinigamis World: Chapters 1 & 2

    This is my first FF on here... so... take it easy on me! Heheh...

    Defining the story: Ok, so this tale is about a Shinigami realm (like in bleach, not really Death Note) and the souls that are shinigami are 'expired souls'. The shinigami's true form, depending on their 'soul energy' determines their true form, which is usually some sort of legendary monster or mythical beast. There is a type of shinigami that is shunned and banned to exsist in the soul world. That is a 'Nosferatu' or shortened, a vampire.
    So, on the whole, this story is about a 'vampire' shinigami that is trying to hide HER secret from everyone, but something goes wrong...



    First Chapter:
    Butterfly Breeze

    A young girl in a pure black robe with a design on the back was standing against the wall, clutching her heart. She had black hair, green eyes, a pale white face, her clothes under the robe was a plain black and red kimono. Her mouth was dry and her eyes were bright red with hunger.
    "No... No!! DAMMIT!! Not now!!! I.. I can't do this now!!" She fell to her knees, biting her tounge to feed her hunger with her own blood. A man bent next to her.
    "Aizuki, what's wrong? You must be quiet about it.." He whispered, trying to support her.
    "Sanzaki, I'm.. I'm so thirsty!! I don't know why!! I tried holding it down! I really did!"
    "Shh.. It's ok. You are a captain, you must keep your secret. Just do what you always do.." They stood up, Aizuki barely standing. Sanzaki pulled her face to his neck. She opened her mouth and let her fangs do all the work.
    A few minutes went by, Sanzaki knew she never liked drinking his blood to keep her healthy, but he wanted her to live. Her kind wasn't allowed to exsist in the soul realm. Aizuki gasped. Some shinigami were staring at the two. The trail of blood on Sanzaki's neck was too easy to notice.
    "Ca... Captain is... a .... VAMPIRE!!!!" He screamed. Aizuki hissed and staggered away from the two men.
    "Aizuki- san! WAIT!!" Sanzaki ran after him. The man ran away, yelling out the secret he just discovered.
    Within a few minutes, all the squad captains and shinigami were hot on her trail. Sanzaki commanded his troops to defend her, though, they didn't do it very well.
    "CAPTAIN AIZUKI!!!" She whipped her head around while she ran. He luitenent ran up quickly next to her.
    "Captain!! I don't care what you are!! The soliders and I will always be at your side!!" He said. Aizuki shook her head.
    "Just get away, Yuko!! You'll only get killed!" She screamed. Her luitenent fell back obediantly. He motioned all his troops to just stand and get in the other shinigamis ways. It slowed them down long enough for Aizuki to get into a certain stance. The general of the shinigami society stood in between her and the troops.
    "Captain Aizuki of the 13th squad!!! You shall be immediatly put to death for being a vampire!!" He spat the words out. She grimaced, then growled.
    "Why can't any of you idiots understand, NOT ALL OF US ARE EVIL!!! Just because we need blood, doesn't mean we like to kill!! I just want to help and LIVE!!! I don't like hurting people the way I have to!!" She yelled. She drew her katana. Sanzaki ran forward.
    "Aizuki!! STOP!!"
    "I'm not a fool.. I'm not fighting... I'm going to be reincarnated." She mumbled. The general's eyes widened. Sanzaki was horrified.
    "AIZUKI!! IT WON'T WORK!! YOU WON'T REMEMBER US!!" He screamed. Aizuki made a sad face.
    "I know it's a slim chance... but it's better then nothing..." A bright light encircled her. The general backed away.
    "EVERYONE RUN!! GET AWAY FROM HERE!!! SANZAKI MOVE!!" He screamed. Sanzaki fell to his knees. He watched as the bright ligth dispersed, crashing into the ground and slicing up buildings.
    "Aizuki.. chan.."

    A group of girls surrounded a girl sitting on a wall. She had short black hair that went down to her chin and a school outfit on, green skirt and white shirt with a red bow on the collar.
    "You are weird!! Stop reading the 'book' and go back to your dark hole!" A girl snarled. She just ignored her. The group of girls had been tormenting her for about five minutes. The girl on the wall glanced up slightly then grinned. A small group that seemed to form a black cloud walked up to the ground of girls.
    "Hey, move it little girls." A boy said, shoving his way through the mass of hyperactive women. The group weaved their way and shoved their was to the girl on the wall.
    "Hanaki, come on, we don't have all day." A girl growled. She ignored the group. A boy sighed.
    "I'm not doing this every damn day."
    "Just forget her, Tonoki! I don't know why you bother with her!"
    "You have somethin to say?! HUH??" The girl charged at them.
    "Sakizu, calm down." Tonoki grabbed her arm.
    "Hey, Aoi, you know her better then us two, get her down." Tonoki said. A quiet and very pale and dark boy glanced at the two.
    "Fine.." He stalked to the wall and grabbed Hanaki's leg.
    "Come on." He said quietly.
    "No.. It's more peaceful up here." She stated plainly.
    "Oh really? Then I'm coming up." He climbed up the wall, still pulling on her leg.
    "Huh, really is more peaceful." The group of girls below them dispersed.
    "I bet he'll jump.."
    "Hope she breaks her neck.." Some of the girls whispered. Aoi wrapped his arm around her waist and licked her neck.
    "Mmm... not now.." She muttered.
    "Come on, just a bite?" He whispered. She sighed.
    "You better not make me bleed again... it's a white shirt.." She growled. Aoi licked over some bite wounds on her neck and gently clenched her skin in his teeth.
    "Aoi!! You're not a ****in vampire!! Just get Hanaki down and let's go!! I ain't goin through that god damn paper work just for bein late again!!" Tonoki yelled. Aoi grinned.
    "Aw come on.. some of those marks are yours ya know?" He chuckled. Hanaki hugged him tightly.
    "Yeah yeah..." He muttered. Aoi picked her up and leapt down on the ground.
    "So Hanaki, how'd your internet search go last night? Find out about that shinigami world you like so much?" Sakizu said, popping a piece of gum in her mouth.
    "I found a little... not much... did ya know shinigami have some true form of a beast or something like that?"
    "Hmm... that's really weird.. I thought they were like ghosts or somethin.." Tonoki said.
    "they are dumbass... they just aren't 'really' human." Hanaki said. Aoi laughed and held her closer to him.
    "I'm so glad we have a little pact. You really fit me the most." He kissed her cheek.
    "I'm not a god damn piece of clothing..."



    Soo?? What do you think for the first little chapter??

  2. #2
    Junior Member Blood Love is infamous around these parts Blood Love is infamous around these parts Blood Love is infamous around these parts Blood Love is infamous around these parts Blood Love is infamous around these parts Blood Love's Avatar
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    well... here's my little second chapter...

    Hanaki strode down the hallway to her locker, Aoi had split from her side to go to his locker. Tonoki and Sakizu were already in class, forced to do paperwork for their teachers. Hanaki pulled out her book again. It was titled 'The Soul Woman Captain', Hanaki had a keen interest about the undead, especially shinigami. Most of it all started with her little gift of seeing spirits of the dead. In school, a black cat followed her around. Usually during her classes, she was stroking the air, but she was really stroking the cats back. A hand slammed against her locker door.
    "Hey.." Aoi breathed down her neck. Hanaki kept her eyes down, still reading.
    "So, what chapter are you on?" He asked, glancing at the picture on the page.
    "26... you were right about this book, it's really interesting." She. Aoi slipped his arms around her waist.
    "I wish this school didn't have a dress code... that way I could see you in the foxy dark outfit everyday.." He moved his hand to her butt. Hanaki groaned and layed her head on his chest, closing her locker.
    "Don't start again.." She moaned. Aoi chuckled and kissed her forehead.
    "Don't be too blue, it's your senior year, only a few more months, then our pact can be fulfilled. So, is the little cat in today?" He asked. She smiled slightly.
    "Yes, he's quite quiet today though.." She said, shifting her foot to the side, a whisp of black fur passed by her ankle.

    "Alright class! Settle down!! Mr. Aoi get your feet off the desk." The teacher threw a piece of chalk at him.
    "I have a new student here today. Please treat him nicely."
    "Oh... a boy, i hope he's hot." Some girls were whispering. Hanaki sighed and looked out the window, stroking the cat or thin air, again. Aoi chuckled and looked over to her.
    "Uh.. Hello... my name is Yuko Shizu." A soft mellow voice purred. Hanaki thought the name was fimiliar and looked to the front of the class. Yuko had soft brown hair, icey blue eyes, and a soft tan tone of skin. He was well built, but not like a giant bulk of muscle.
    "You can sit back there next to Hanaki. If she creeps you out, join the club." The teacher teased. He nodded and sat in the empty seat next to her.
    "Hi..." She mumbled. He smiled and nodded.
    "Nice to meet you, so, you're Hanaki?" He asked.
    "yeah..." She said, scratching the cat's ear. He glanced at her fingers.
    "Uh..."
    "I don't care if i'm sctaching... 'air'...." She muttered. He chuckled.
    "Actually, I was going to say, does that cat come in often?" He asked. Aoi perked up, his look on his face defensive. Hanaki was a little surprised.
    "yeah... you can.. see him?"
    "Of course, why wouldn't I?" He smiled. Aoi glared over his shoulder. Hanaki saw his face.
    "Have you met Aoi? My boyfriend?" she pointed over her shoulder. Yuko turned around and dodged a swift punch to his face.
    "AOI!!!! HALLWAY! NOW!" the teacher roared. Aoi glared at Yuko.
    "That's my woman... touch her and you're dead..." He muttered while he got up. Hanaki giggled. Yuko was stunned speechless. The cat suddenly leapt to Yuko's desk and rubbed its head on his sleeve.
    "Huh?" He glanced down and started rubbing his head.
    "Cute cat.." He said softly. He looked up.
    "Your green eyes are really bright..." He said.
    "Wha?"
    "You remind me of someone... her name.. it... was Aizuki." He said, his eyes staring intently at her face. Hanaki blinked, the name seemed fimiliar to her.
    "Wait.. Aizuki? And... Yuko?" She put a hand on her forehead.
    "Headache...." She muttered. Yuko pulled out a pen. He handed it to her.
    "Wha..?"
    "You used to use it all the time... it was your favorite pen." He muttered. She stared at it. The golden engraving and cravings in it were so fimiliar to her.
    "That book... the one on your desk... look at the last page.." He said. Hanaki followed his order. The picture of the Soul Woman Captain looked like her in so many ways. She felt a twinge of pain.
    "Ow!" She moaned. The teacher looked up.
    "Miss Aizuki?? Is something wrong?"
    "My head... it hurts..." She groaned.
    "I can take her to the nurse," Yuko suggested. The teacher nodded.
    "Do that please." Yuko grabbed her arm and half lifted her up out of her seat. They walked out into the hallway. As soon as the door closed, Aoi shoved Yuko against the wall and took Hanaki into his arms.
    "You bastard... I told you not to touch her!" He hissed.
    "She has a headache. The teacher told me to take her to the nurse." He said sternly. Aoi bent his head over Hanaki's.
    "Something hurting you?" He whispered. Hanaki moaned.
    "Well, you get a lucky break.." He said coldly. Aoi supported Hanaki all the way to the nurses office.
    "Hana- chan, what happened?"
    "Something... flashed into my head... he gave me a pen.. and.. my head.. hurts.." She moaned. Aoi smiled slightly.
    "You know, as soon as your headache is over, how about alone time?" He said softly, trying to cheer her up.
    "No... I'm... thirsty... somehow, I'm thirsty.." She kept her head on her chest. Aoi pulled out a small bottle of water.
    "I have some water," He held it in front of her. She pushed it away.
    "No..." Hanaki wrapped her arms around his neck.
    "Out..." She muttered cooly.
    "Hmm?"
    "Out! No school!" She groaned. Aoi chuckled.
    "As you wish, my dear."

    Aoi supported Hanaki all the way off school grounds. She pulled him into an allyway. She agressively pressed him against the wall. Aoi answered passionatly with a kiss. He switched the positioning, her against the wall and him pressing against her. She gasped and licked his neck. He kissed her lips, forcing his tounge in her mouth. Hanaki's eyes turned cold, her mouth was incredibly dry. She moved her mouth to his neck, her teeth gently clenching his skin.
    "Hanaki... playin vampire?" Aoi chuckled.
    "no.. this.. is real..." She hissed. She bit down hard, right on a vein, blood poured into her mouth. Aoi gasped.
    "Hanaki!" He tried pushing her away. She clung to him, drinking his blood.
    "Lady Aizuki!" Rough hands pushed the two apart, a cloth covered the wound on Aoi's neck. Hanaki fell to the ground, licking her hands desperatly. Aoi's eyes were wide, the cloth was getting wet very quickly. Yuko was standing next to him.
    "what.. the... hell?!" Aoi gasped. Hanaki's eyes were red. She glanced up lovingly to him.
    "I'm so happy we met... your blood is so sweet..." She murmured. Yuko wove his hand in front of her eyes.
    "Lady Aizuki??" He said. She looked up at him.
    "Yuko? What the hell are you doing in that outfit??" She asked in a more mature voice.
    "Hanaki?! What the hell are you talking about?!" Aoi shouted. Yuko looked at him.
    "We'd better get your wound fixed, Lady Aizuki's thirst can get rather ravinous after a long while." Aoi blinked.
    "I.. don't understand."
    "It's quite a long story sweetheart.." She stood up.
    "Well, you're Hanaki! Not this Aizuki-!"
    "Wrong..." She muttered.
    "My name is Aizuki. Hanaki is the human name I was given by those pathetic abandoning parents of mine." She said, licking her fingers again. Aoi blinked.
    "You.. never talk about them.."
    "Well, I'm not related to them," She said. Yuko took off the cloth, his hand grew bright.
    "This should do it..." He removed his hand, the wound was healed. Hanaki, or, Aizuki, walked towards the two.
    "Aoi, I do love you.. so much..." She kissed him passionatly. Aoi wrapped his arms around her waist.
    "I'm confused.."
    "Then, let's go to downtown." She whispered. She looked quickly at Yuko.
    "Yuko, go away to whatever the hell you were doing." She muttered. Aoi grinned.
    "That's a girl I know.." He licked her cheek. Yuko's eyes were filled with disappointment, but he walked away.
    Visit my Original Fanfic:
    Shinigami's World

    person1: *reading test results* I try and I fail, but hell, that's life right?
    me: Well all I can say is that life is a hell hole... and my advice to you is find someone who's life has given them alcohol and drown yourself out before it's too late.
    person1: ... um... I didn't ask for a life story.. In fact I wasn't even talking to you!!!
    me: Well I can hear you so, yes you were.
    person1:

  3. #3
    boopaloop! Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys has a reputation beyond repute Daenerys's Avatar
    Gil
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    You should probably read the pinned topics, like this one:
    http://www.animeforum.com/showthread.php?t=72950


    One thing I found about your story, that made it a little hard to get into was that it was all dialoge not much description. When someone is talking, what are they doing? Walking across a room, standing still, using hand signals, being descriptive with their face? What's going on around them? Is it raining, snowing, the wind blowing, are they inside, sitting, standing, running, walking?

    The first line is really bad. You just jump right into it. What's the design on the cloak? Is it a star? A skull? A butterfly? If she's wearing clothes, I wouldn't say "her clothes were a kimono" A kimono is self explainatory I believe. It's more of a dress. Clothes makes me think of a shirt and pants, and a belt and shoes, etc.

    When you're discussing the cut of someone's hair, like "Black short hair to her chin" Did she have bangs? Was her hair unruly, was it tidy, kempt, or in a pony tail?

    You really have to focus on detail when introducing new characters, or even using characters from a fanfiction. Someone who hadnt seen the anime/movie/etc wouldn't understand or know what a character looks like.

    Just be more descriptive. A story isn't all talking, that's more of a script. Try explaining more about the characters and setting.
    making emo kids[/URL] cry since 1998


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