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Thread: Original Fiction: What? : Chapter 1

  1. #1
    Taiga ga suki da. KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Original Fiction: What? : Chapter 1

    To be quite honest, I have no idea where I'm going with this story. I just thought it would be nice to keep typing and typing with no concern for plot whatsoever.

    I know. This is going to be a pretty bizarre read.

    Oh, and there's going be a disproportionate ratio of dialogue to descriptions here so, uhm, yeah. Just thought I'd warn you.

    ---------------------------------------------------------

    The Arctic Circle: an endless landscape of ice and snow; one of the most uninhabitable regions on the face of the Earth. With temperatures at sub-zero, no human soul would ever traverse its icy plains on a mere whim alone. It is the perfect place to hide something you never want the world to see and this is precisely why the biggest weapons factory of the E.E. – European Empire – was built on top of one of the Arctic’s ice shelves.

    Platform N, so named because it was the 14th factory to be commissioned to be built by the Empire and not because of its proximity to the North Pole, although its inhabitants much prefer that explanation. It was designed to be the biggest factory of the Empire and it was built as so. However, because it was generally thought that the climate would be more than enough to drive away would-be invaders, less emphasis was placed on fortifying the platform and, in fact, out of the thirty factories the E.E. ever commissioned, Platform N was notorious for being the least defensible of all. Instead, more emphasis was placed on the general living conditions the inhabitants of the platform would have to endure. It was the general consensus that anyone unlucky enough to be assigned to such a nightmarish region should at least have the basic luxuries available to any other personnel on any other platform.

    For three years Platform N remained hidden from the outside world and for three years, it quietly supplied the E.E. with twenty-five percent of all its weapons, primarily by an underwater tunnel that ran the length of the Circle all the way to Russia and, from there, all across the continent to wherever they were needed anytime during the campaign.

    It was in the middle of winter, when security at the platform was at its weakest and only a skeleton crew of twenty-three personnel was left to keep it running, that the A.A. – American Alliance – made its move and attacked the platform.

    “An emergency report coming in from Sector 12,” one of the six uniformed personnel inside the control room – Sector 1 – cried out, breaking the silence that only the witching hour could bring. “Sensors are indicating an explosion, no, multiple explosions along the perimeter.”

    “Equipment malfunctions?” Andy Gates, current commanding officer of the platform, inquired.

    “I don’t think so sir,” she answered as she brought up a set of
    figures on her screen. “The readings don’t show any problems with the equipment prior to the explosion.”
    “What is it then?”

    “Impossible to say without sending someone out there sir. The blizzard is playing havoc with our instruments.”

    “What about video surveillance?” Alice McFerrin, second-in-command and a close friend of the commander, asked. “Surely the blizzard couldn’t have messed with that? It’s on a cable.”

    “All cameras around the vicinity of the explosions have been destroyed and those that weren’t show nothing of importance.”

    “And their footage?”

    “Useless. All show fireballs and nothing more.”

    “Have the explosions been contained?” Andy asked.

    “All fire-doors have been securely –“

    “Emergency report from Sector 11!” another of the uniformed personnel cried out. “Sensors indicate explosions all along the area.”

    “What?” Andy turned to face her. “Number 4 –“

    “Jill,” Alice cut in.

    “I beg your pardon?”

    “Jill. Her name’s Jill. She’s not ‘Number 4.’”

    “Do we have time for this?”

    “Yes. Her name’s Jill. She’s Tammy, he’s John, he’s Xavier and he’s Erickson. They’re not just numbers you know.”

    He raised his arms in exasperation. “Ah, whatever.”

    “I’m just saying. How would you like it if I called you Number 1?”

    “That’s him.”

    “NO!” she gave a little stamp of her foot. “That’s Xavier!”

    “If he’s Xavier, he’s Xavier then. Can we move on?”

    “Whatever.”

    “Jill,” he gave Alice a sidelong glass, as if asking her is that alright? “Jill, I thought you said the fire-doors have been shut?”

    “My sensors indicate that they are sir.”

    “So we’re assuming the explosions in Sector 11 are the result of a separate incident,” he looked at the screen in front of the room. “Pull up Sector 10’s video surveillance.”

    Fifty-two separate feeds materialized on the big screen, all showing a black and white image of virtually every room and corridor in Sector 10. All six pairs of eyes in the control room flitted from screen to screen.

    “Tammy,” Andy turned to face her console. “Were there any signs of faulty equipment in Sector 11?”

    “None sir. My readings indicate that all equipment were operating perfectly.”

    “’Perfectly,’” he said under his breath. “There’s an impossibility right there.”

    And then.

    “Cameras 40, 42, 43 and 44 are down!” The man named Xavier cried out. “They’ve winked out.”

    “Rewind the feed.” Andy ordered. “Tell me, what happened?”

    “No idea sir,” Xavier answered as he looked at the screens again. “Too fast. There was what looked like explosions and then black.”

    “52, 53, 54, 55 down!”

    “60, 65, 66, 67 –“

    “Sensors show multiple explosions –“

    “What the hell is happening?!” Andy yelled in frustration. “Are we under attack?”

    “Calm down Andy,” Alice laid a hand on his shoulder. “I’ll go check what’s happening.”

    “No need.” Tammy piped up. “I have visual confirmation from Camera 7, take a look.”

    On the screen, the feed from Camera 7 before it was destroyed enlarged and took over the length of the entire screen. Frozen on the frame was a very recognizable symbol.

    “The A.A.!” said Andy. “We’ve been discovered!”
    “What do we do commander?”

    Andy turned to give him a quizzical look. “What else? We make our escape. This facility was not built to withstand any sort of attack. Ready the men, we’re taking the pass.”

    “Negative on that sir,” said John as he looked at something on his screen. “Surveillance cameras along the pass are showing heavy presence of A.A. machines. We go through there, we’ll be decimated.

    “It is? Damn.”

    “So what do we do now?”

    -------------------------------------------------

    What do we do indeed?

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  2. #2
    Member Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh's Avatar
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    Nice, but I think for the first chapter there are too many main characters. You are not introducing them enough so it´s better, I think, if you try to improve with chapter 2.^^
    Calamity befalls oneself. Like Icarus who fell to earth when his wings were burned by the sun.

    Don´t pay too much attention to my bad english^^


  3. #3
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    Nah. The way I had it in my mind, they either all die except one or they all survive but someone gets too distraught that he (or she. No idea yet.) leaves to start all over again and then we focus the story on him (or her.) Either way, I'll probably get rid of most of them.

    Probably.

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  4. #4
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    Sure but for introducing a new story it´s no good to have too many characters...
    Calamity befalls oneself. Like Icarus who fell to earth when his wings were burned by the sun.

    Don´t pay too much attention to my bad english^^


  5. #5
    Just Some Color Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala's Avatar
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    There's nothing wrong with introducing a story with a lot of characters. The tricky point comes in determining how many are going to be main or reoccurring characters. Sounds like the story will only focus on a few, and the very fact that all are equally ambiguous means the reader doesn't know yet who will make it and who won't ^_^

  6. #6
    LUCKY DUCK Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus's Avatar
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    haha This was pretty entertaining. I always find stories written in this manner (with little regard as to what's ahead) the best. That's usually how I write anyway, and it usually comes out all right in the end. I think my brain subconsciously works out this stuff as I go along to be honest.

    *cough* Anyway, I'm intrigued by this facility you've set this in and the two opposing companies that are about to clash. the characters have a life of their own, even though I didn't always know who was talking at any given moment. But you can tell these six have worked together for a while, their little quarrel can't help but come out even when they are being attacked. Funny.

    I liked it. No grammatical, spelling, or syntax errors to report, save maybe the absence of commas I would have put in (but commas are very subjective). I'm off to read chapter 2~


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  7. #7
    Taiga ga suki da. KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan's Avatar
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    Rekindled interest! Thanks Cap. It's awesome that you took the time to read and reply on this one. =D

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    Junior Member tuxjim is on a distinguished road tuxjim's Avatar
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    I've never liked to read something that is written in "dialogue", meaning that the writing reflects a spoken style that SHOULD only be spoken. I KNOW, it is done that way in Hollywood, otherwise, how would scripts ever get written? But, all the same, it gives me a headache to try and read something that is crammed full of contractions and apostrophies to denote dropped letters and slurred words. Please leave the SPOKEN dialog to the SPEAKERS, and I will choose to read only stories that do not tax my mental processes at 6:30 in the morning...the ones NOT in dialect.

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    AND, just so everyone knows, I dod NOT write my 'post' with ANY contractions - whose bright idea is it to have EVERYbody speak like a 18th Century pirate???????

  10. #10
    LUCKY DUCK Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus has a reputation beyond repute Capernicus's Avatar
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    Today is not a good day to read fanfic dude. The pirate filter is all over the forums.


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  11. #11
    Taiga ga suki da. KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan has a reputation beyond repute KuroTan's Avatar
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    Uh... Like Caps said, the filter's gonna get in the way. Wait for the magical hour and all those little "dialects" will go away. Like, poof.^^

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