Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There by Lewis Carroll
"WELL, this is grand!" said Alice. "I never expected I should be a Queen so soon -- and I'll tell you what it is, your Majesty," she went on in a severe tone (she was always rather fond of scolding hersef), "it'll never do to loll about on the grass like that! Queens have to be dignified, you know"
So she got up and walked about -- rather stiffly just at first, as she was afraid that the crown might come off: but she comforted herself with the thought that there was nobody to see her, "and if I really am a Queen," she said as she sat down again, "I shall be able to manage it quite well in time."
Everything was happening so oddly that she didn't feel a bit surprised at finding the Red Zombie Queen and the White Zombie Queen sitting close to her, one on each side: she would have liked very much to ask them how they came there, but she feared it would not be quite civil. However, there would be no harm, she thought, in asking if the game was over. "Please, would you tell me -- -" she began, looking timidly at the Red Zombie Queen.
"Speak when you're spoken to!" the Red Zombie Queen sharply interrupted her.
"But if everybody obeyed that rule," said Alice, who was always ready for a little argument, "and if you only spoke when you were spoken to, and the other person always waited for you to begin, you see nobody would ever say anything, so that -- -"
"Ridiculous!" cried the Zombie Queen. "Why, don't you see, child -- -" here she broke off with a frown, and after thinking for a minute, suddenly changed the subject of the conversation. "What do you mean by 'If you really are a Queen'? What right have you to call yourself so? You can't be a Queen, you know, till you've passed the proper examination. And the sooner we begin it, the better."
"I only said 'if'!" poor Alice pleaded in a piteous tone.
The two Zombie Queens looked at each other, and the Red Zombie Queen remarked, with a little shudder, "She says she only said 'if' -- -"
"But she said a great deal more than that!" the White Zombie Queen moaned, wringing her hands. "Oh, ever so much more than that!"
"So you did, you know," the Red Zombie Queen said to Alice. "Always speak the truth -- think before you speak -- and write it down afterwards."
"I'm sure I didn't mean -- -" Alice was beginning, but the Red Zombie Queen interrupted.
"That's just what I complain of! You should have meant! What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning -- and a chiId's more important than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands."
"I don't deny things with my hands," Alice objected.
"Nobody said you did," said the Red Zombie Queen, "I said you couldn't if you tried."
"She's in that state of mind," said the White Zombie Queen, "that she wants to deny something -- only she doesn't know what to deny!"
"A nasty, vicious temper," the Red Zombie Queen remarked; and then there was an uncomfortable silence for a minute or two.
The Red Zombie Queen broke the silence by saying to the White Zombie Queen, "I invite you to Alice's dinner-party this afternoon."
The White Zombie Queen smiled feebly, and said, "And I invite you."
"I didn't know I was to have a party at all," said Alice; "but if there is to be one, I think I ought to invite the guests."
"We gave you the opportunity of doing it," the Red Zombie Queen remarked: "but I daresay you've not had many lessons in manners yet?"
"Manners are not taught in lessons," said Alice.
"Lessons teach you to do sums, and things of that sort."
"Can you do Addition?" the White Zombie Queen asked.
"What's one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?"
"I don't know," said Alice. "I lost count."
"She can't do Addition," the Red Zombie Queen interrupted. "Can you do Subtraction? Take nine from eight."
"Nine from eight I can't, you know," Alice replied very readily: "but -- -"
"She can't do Subtraction," said the White Zombie Queen. "Can you do Division? Divide a loaf by a knife -- what's the answer to that?"
"I suppose -- -" Alice was beginning, but the Red Zombie Queen answered for her. "Bread-and-butter, of course. Try another Subtraction sum. Take a bone from a dog. What remains?"
Alice considered. "The bone wouldn't remain, of course, if I took it -- and the dog wouldn't remain; it would come to bite me -- and I'm sure I shouldn't remain!"
"Then you think nothing would remain?" said the Red Zombie Queen.
"I think that's the answer."
"Wrong, as usual," said the Red Zombie Queen; "the dog's temper would remain."
"But I don't see how -- -"
"Why, look here!" the Red Zombie Queen cried. "The dog would lose its temper, wouldn't it?"
"Perhaps it would," Alice replied cautiously.
"Then if the dog went away, its temper would remain!" the Zombie Queen exclaimed.
Alice said, as gravely as she could, "They might go different ways." But she couldn't help thinking to herself, "What dreadful nonsense we are talking!"
"She can't do sums a bit!" the Zombie Queens said together, with great emphasis.
"Can you do sums?" Alice said, turning suddenly on the White Zombie Queen, for she didn't like being found fault with so much.
The Zombie Queen gasped and shut her eyes. "I can do Addition," she said, "if you give me time -- but I can't do Subtraction under any circumstances! "
"Of course you know your A B C?" said the Red Zombie Queen.
"To be sure I do," said Alice.
"So do I," the White Zombie Queen whispered. "We'll often say it over together, dear. And I'll tell you a secret -- I can read words of one letter! Isn't that grand? However, don't be discouraged. You'll come to it in time."
Here the Red Zombie Queen began again. "Can you answer useful questions?" she said. "How is bread made?"
"I know that!" Alice cried eagerly. "You take some flour -- -"
"Where do you pick the flower?" the White Zombie Queen asked. "In a garden, or in the hedges?"
"Well, it isn't picked at all," Alice explained: "it's ground- -- "
"Fan her head!" the Red Zombie Queen anxiously interupted. "She'll be feverish after so much thinking."
"How many acres of ground?" said the White Zombie Queen. "You mustn't leave out so many things."
So they set to work and fanned her with bunches of leaves, till she had to beg them to leave off, it blew her hair about so.
"She's all right again now," said the Red Zombie Queen. "Do you know Languages? What's the French for fiddle-de-dee ?"
"Fiddle-de-dee's not English," Alice replied gravely.
"Who said it was?" said the Red Zombie Queen.
Alice thought she saw a way out of the difficulty this time. "If you'll tell me what language "fiddle-de-dee' is, I'll tell you the French for it!" she exclaimed triumphantly.
But the Red Zombie Queen drew herself up rather stiffly, and said, "Zombie Queens never make bargains."
"I wish Zombie Queens never asked questions," Alice thought to herself.
"Don't let us quarrel," the White Zombie Queen said in an anxious tone. "What is the cause of lightning ?"
"The cause of lightning," Alice said very decidedly, for she felt quite sure about this, "is the thunder -- no, no!" she hastily corrected herself.
"I meant the other way."
"It's too late to correct it," said the Red Zombie Queen: "when you've once said a thing, that fixes it, and you must take the consequences."
"Which reminds me -- " the White Zombie Queen said, looking down and nervously clasping and unclasping'her hands, "we had such a thunderstorm last Tuesday -- I mean one of the last set of Tuesdays, you know."
"In our country," Alice remarked, "there's only " one day at a time."
The Red Zombie Queen said. "That's a poor thin way of doing things. Now here, we mostly have days and nights two or three at a time, and sometimes in the winter we take as many as five'nights together -- for warmth, you know."
"Are five nights warmer than one night, then?" Alice ventured to ask.
"Five times as warm, of course."
"But they should be five times as cold, by the same rule -- -"
"just so!" cried the Red Zombie Queen. "Five times as warm, and five times as cold -- just as I'm five times as rich as you are, and five times as clever!"
Alice sighed and gave it up. "It's exactly like a riddle with no answer!" she thought.
"Humpty Dumpty saw it too," the White Zombie Queen went on in a low voice, more as if she were talking to herself. "He came to the door with a corkscrew in his hand -- -"
"What for?" said the Red Zombie Queen.
"He said he would come in," the White Zombie Queen went on, "because he was looking for a hippopotamus. Now, as it happened, there wasn't such a thing in the house, that morning."
"Is there generally ?" Alice asked in an astonished tone.
"Well, only on Thursdays," said the Zombie Queen.
"I know what he came for," said Alice: "he wanted to punish the fish, because -- -"
Here the White Zombie Queen began again. "It was such a thunderstorm, you can't think!" ("She never could, you know," said the Red Zombie Queen.) "And part of the roof came off, and ever so much thunder got in -- and it went rolling round the room in great lumps -- and knocking over the tables and things -- till I was so frightened, I couldn't remember my own name!"
Alice thought to herself, "I never should try to remember my name in the middle of an accident! Where would be the use of it?" But she did not say this aloud, for fear of hurting the poor Zombie Queen's feelings.
"Your Majesty must excuse her," the Red Zombie Queen said to Alice, taking one of the White Zombie Queen's hands in her own, and gently stroking it: "she means well, but she can't help saying foolish things, as a general rule."
The White Zombie Queen looked timidly at Alice, who felt she ought to say something kind, but really couldn't think of anything.
"She never was really well brought up," the Red Zombie Queen went on: "but it's amazing how good-tempered she is! Pat her on the head, and see how pleased she'll be!" But this was more than Alice had courage to do.
"A little kindness -- and putting her hair in papers -- would do wonders with her -- -"
The White Zombie Queen gave a deep sigh, and laid her head on Alice's shoulder. "I am so sleepy!" she moaned.
"She"s tired, poor thing!" said the Red Zombie Queen, "Smooth her hair -- lend her your nightcap -- and sing her a soothing lullaby."
"I haven't got a nightcap with me," said Alice, as she tried to obey the
first direction: "and I don't know any soothing lullabies."
"I must do it myself, then," said the Red Zombie Queen, and she began:
"Hush-a-by lady, in Alice's lap!
Till the feast's ready, we've time for a nap:
Till the feast's over, we'll go to the ball --
Red Zombie Queen, and Zombie White Queen, and Alice, and all!.
"And now you know the words," she added, as she put her head down on Alice's other shoulder, "just sing it through to me. I'm getting sleepy too." In another moment both Zombie Queens were fast asleep, and snoring loud.
"What am I to do?" exclaimed Alice, looking about in great perplexity, as first one round head, and then the other, rolled down from her shoulder, and lay like a heavy lump in her lap. "I don't think it ever happened before, that anyone had to take "care of two Zombie Queens asleep at once! No, not in all the History of England -- it couldn't, you know, because there never was more than oneZombie Queen at a time. Do wake up, you heavy things!" she went on in an impatient tone; but there was no answer but a gentle snoring.
The snoring got more distinct every minute, and sounded more like a tune: at last she could even make out words, and she listened so eagerly that when the two great heads suddenly vanished from her lap, she hardly missed them.
She was standing before an arched doorway, over which were the words QUEEN ALICE in large letters, and on each side of it there was a bell-handle ; one marked "Visitors' Bell," and the other "Zombies' Bell."
"I'll wait till the song's over," thought Alice, "and then I'll ring the -- the -- which bell must ring?" she went on, very much puzzled by the names. "I'm not a visitor, and I'm not a zombie. There ought to be one marked "Queen,' you know -- -"
Just then the door opened a little way, and a creature with a long beak put its head out for a moment and said, "No admittance till the week after next!" and shut the door again with a bang.
Alice knocked and rang in vain for a long time, but at last a very old Zombie Victim, who was sitting under a tree, got up, and hobbled slowly towards her : he was dressed in bright yellow, and had enormous boots on.
"What is it now?" the Zombie Victim said in a deep hoarse whisper.
Alice turned round, ready to find fault with anybody. "Where's the servant whose business it is to answer the door?" she began angrily.
"Which door?" said the Zombie Victim.
Alice almost stamped with irritation at the slow drawl in which he spoke. "This door, of course!
The Zombie Victim looked at the door with his large dull eyes for a minute : then he went nearer and rubbed it with his thumb, as if he were trying whether the paint would come off (and it did); then he looked at Alice. "To answer the door?" he said. "What's it been asking of?" He was so hoarse that Alice could scarcely hear him.
"I don't know what you mean," she said.
"I speaks English, doesn't I?" the Zombie Victim went on.
"Or are you deaf? What did it ask you?"
"Nothing!" Alice said impatiently. "I've been knocking at it!"
At this moment the door was flung open, and a shrill voice was heard singing:
"Shouldn't do that -- shouldn't do that -- " the Zombie Victim muttered. "Wexes it, you know." Then he went up and gave the door a kick with one off his great feet. "You let it alone," he panted out, as he hobbled back to his tree, "and it'll let you alone, you know."
To the Looking-glass world it was Alice that said,
"I've a sceptre in hand, I've a crown on my head;
Let the Looking-glass creatures, whatever they be,
Come and dine with the Red Zombie Queen, the Zombie White
Queen, and me.
And hundreds of voices joined in the chorus:
"Then fill up the glasses as quick as you can,
And sprinkle the table with brains and bran:
Put eyes in the coffee, and flesh in the tea --
And welcome Queen Alice with thirty-times-three!
Theres more to the chapter, but I think thats good enough :3