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Thread: Original Fiction: Aura, an Original Series

  1. #1
    Member Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Original Fiction: Aura, an Original Series

    Aura, how the chosen was chosen
    (With Minor Spelling Errors)
    ( This is just the intro, the best is yet to come so please enjoy)

    “Another boring day” pronounced Oliver as he walked down the sidewalk, his hands cuffed in his pockets. It was a regular day just like any other day, only today Oliver day was about to be inter-dimensionally imported. The heat was baring down today, knowing that it was 80 degrees outside, Oliver came prepared, wearing a white collared shirt, knowing the breeze would cut in, and the sun would repel against the white pigment. Oliver was always a prepared type of person, but it had been to common for him. It was the summer, and just like any hot summer day with nothing to do, Oliver would stroll down the sidewalk, acting like he was about to die of dehydration.

    “ C’mon, I shouldn’t be doing this, just strolling around like this, It’s Summer!” Oliver mumbled sadly under his voice.
    “ I know what you mean” A voice called out. Oliver quickly turned around, there was nothing there, not even the breeze came by. Oliver ignored it and continued bickering about summer.
    “ Ahem, your whining is annoying lad” the voice called out, yet again, this time with a more hardened tone. Oliver raised an eyebrow, he had never heard a voice like that around town before, it sounded different. But it didn’t matter to Oliver, for all he wanted to do know was go to sleep, so the strange noises that came up would stop. He changed his course for home.
    “ So lad, the chief wanted me to hire you as freelance for the detective agency”. The voice this time sounded more friendly, in a tone that made Oliver feel like they’ve known each other.
    “ Hey, I don’t know where you’re hiding, but you’re probably just a hallucination from all this heat” Oliver slapped his face and sighed. “ I can’t believe I’m even talking to…to nothing”.
    “ Don’t worry kid, I’m real, and I didn’t even want to find you in the first place, but it was this, or losing my job, and I have a family to feed, so you’re out of luck.”
    “ No you’re out of luck, so leave me alone you piece of-” Oliver was interrupted by a sudden pain on his neck, the pain felt like nothing he had ever felt before, it’s sting worsened. Oliver stopped his stroll and slapped his neck reflexively.
    “ Guahh, you got me” the voice called out. A few seconds afterwards a tiny bunny-like creature, only with horns, fell off Oliver’s neck and onto the sidewalk, moaning in pain. Oliver crouched down, and looked at the being, it stood only about a few inches tall.
    “ What the hell?” Oliver scratched his head, before him was something he had never seen before.
    “ Next time watch what your doing kid” The bunny-like creature said in an Irish accent, nothing like what the voice sounded before, this one was a bit eerie.

    “ Yeah, I’ll be sure to know what’s going on, when a talking bunny with horns bites my neck” Oliver said picking the bunny up off the ground from it’s dizzy daze.
    “ Hey! Set me down now, or I’ll bite you again, and I’m dead serious this time you scallywag” The bunny said as it’s buck teeth were centimeters away from Oliver’s hand. Oliver dropped the bunny on the ground , and blinked.
    “ So, this is all just another one of those dreams, am I in coma?” Oliver said. “ I mean because, of the heat stroke, is this what dying is like?” The bunny looked up at Oliver and stood on it’s hind legs.
    “ No lad, you’re not dead, I need you to help me catch the demons of the deep” the bunny said in a solemn tone. Oliver couldn’t help but laugh, all of this just seemed so weird. A talking bunny, and demons, what is going on.
    “ Hey bunny, I’ll help you, I mean if I am suffering from a heat stroke, I would die with a bunny by my side” Oliver said sarcastically. The bunny frowned.
    “The names Pettis, and I’m you’re guardian angel” Pettis replied, bowing slowly towards Oliver, suddenly the bunny began to grow to a normal rabbit’s size. “ This is my original form” Pettis quickly told Oliver in the bow. “ I can grow smaller”.
    “ Alright, if you’re my guardian angel, why do you have horns? And why did God send me a bunny for protection” Oliver raised a brow once again. Pettis began pacing back and forth as though it were a college professor.
    “ Well Daniel, there are many of reasons, personally I didn’t even want to be your angel either, but I need this job.” Pettis paced faster. “ But now, I can sense your aura, it exceeds dimensions worth”. Pettis stopped and stared up at the crouched Oliver. “ So, this isn’t a dream lad, we have to eliminate the demons of the depth organization, or in our terms, the DDO”
    “ How did you know my name, and I’m pretty sure I’m in a dream, or suffering from heat stroke, my parents are going to come and get me sooner or later” Oliver said suspiciously.

    “ Oliver, I know your name because the chief was watching your till birth, you were born with a special aura, one that naturally comes every 3000 years lad, and you we’re unlucky enough to have it. Oliver, I will chat with you once again boy, where there are no interruptions, we don’t have much time lad. I top my hat till then” said Pettis as he jumped at Oliver. Oliver fell back, as the bunny flew on him, and in seconds Pettis disappeared through Oliver. Oliver felt his chest to make sure there was no damage, and weirdly enough, there was none.
    A hand reached out from behind and touched Oliver on the shoulder.
    “ What the?” Oliver said as he backed away, still lurching on the cement of the sidewalk.
    “ Oliver get up! What are you doing on the ground” Oliver’s father said as he helped him up.
    “ Dad? Did you see that bunny?” His father looked at him like he was mentally instable.
    “ Oliver are you ok? I was about to leave for work, but I heard you talking nonsense, about heat stroke or something, so I came over and you we’re on the ground, but are you ok?” Oliver zoned out.
    What was going on? Did that conversation really happen? Oliver was zoned back in and the sound of Oliver’s dad heading towards the car.
    “ Son, you need to go rest in side, I have to go to work, just go inside!” Oliver’s dad yelled as he entered his car in the garage a few yards away.
    Oliver ignored his dad, he just wanted to forget about what had just happened, it was just too freaky
    and continued heading to mall, all he wanted now was a carrot, for some strange reason, at the veggie shop.
    Oliver swung open the mall door, and walked down the right aisle, which seemed to be the most empty. He was now heading to the veggie district, or the “ veggie shop”, as he would call it. The line didn’t look too big, so Oliver went ahead and stood in line, but his thirst for carrots grew, until he reached the register.
    “ Now…I need carrots….Now” Oliver said as he slammed a fist on the table, that stood before him and the cashier. The atmosphere all around him started to smell like carrots. Then everything and everyone disappeared.
    “ Ok, what the hell is going on?” Oliver said as the scent of carrots grew farther away, and he lost his appetite as well.
    “ Well lad, I told you, I would be back, and I do keep my promises.” said Pettis as he appeared out of the darkness, now it was only them. “ Oh and I just brought you here, so we could get some carrots, but I decided to just take you into the dark zone myself, so we could talk privately.” Pettis actually started looking intelligent.
    “ Alright Pettis, what do you want me to do again? I just want to get this over with, so I can get back and get some sleep” Oliver said as he swooped up Pettis off the ground in his palm.
    “ It’ll take about 3 years to train you, and then we will start on your first freelance case.”
    “ Wait” Oliver said suggestible “ I have school, and other things beside training in some place I didn’t even know existed, it’s all too sudden”
    “ I know lad, but your our only hope to defeat the DDO”
    “ But I’m only 12 ½.”
    “ Lad, you have to leave all your past behind for now, and come with me, we don’t have much time, we have to train now, lad, 3 years in our world is 50 in yours.”
    “ No, I’m not going, it’s 1958, I don’t want to train until 2008, I never had a say in this”
    “ Actually lad, you did earlier” Pettis said as he leaped out of Oliver’s palm and started to bite at the darkness, until a hole opened leading to a sunny blue sky.
    “ Lad, you must come now, there is no time to waste, even if this is sudden, you had enough time on your planet”
    “ But my family and friends” Oliver said as tears were welling up in his eyes.
    “ Lad, I truly am sorry, but things happen”
    “ But, why me, why now, can’t you take me when I’m 25, I thought this was just a dream” Oliver said pouring into tears.
    “ Well lad it’s more then it, and we better hurry, the Chief is waiting”
    “ Fine, I guess I have to then” Oliver smudged his face and walked towards the gaping hole.
    Oliver jumped in the hole, Pettis followed, Oliver closed his eyes, for he felt like he was sky diving, until everything turned black.
    He opened his eyes and looked straight forward, directly in front of him stood a large angel-like creature, and all around him were glistering glows of light.
    The entire area looked like a regular CEO’s office, only there was rubies and emeralds all over the walls and floors.
    “ I welcome you Oliver, to Rendar” The angel said, it’s voice was filled with perfect grace.




    And So, The Chosen was Chosen


    I'm open to Critics, so please tell me how it is, i found it on my desktop from a while ago, just thought of posting it? So what do you think?



  2. #2
    Member Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen has a reputation beyond repute Linen's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default

    Wow, is it really that bad? Can someone tell me why? lol.

  3. #3
    Just Some Color Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default

    You haven't exactly allowed for ample time for someone to respond. So what you have done is actually double-post. Don't do that. Getting comments on this forum has proven difficult, it's true. One of the best way to gain interest is to spread the favor to others. You can't very well expect to receive what you haven't given. ^^

  4. #4
    Member Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh has a reputation beyond repute Karsh's Avatar
    Gil
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    07-01-2008 08:32 AM
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    I think it´s okay. Not good or so but okay. I would say you should try to write more clearly. Sometimes the reading person don´t get it at all what you mean. The story sounds interesting.
    Calamity befalls oneself. Like Icarus who fell to earth when his wings were burned by the sun.

    Don´t pay too much attention to my bad english^^


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