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Thread: Which couplet?

  1. #1
    Senior Member liltokyo has much to be proud of liltokyo has much to be proud of liltokyo has much to be proud of liltokyo has much to be proud of liltokyo has much to be proud of liltokyo has much to be proud of liltokyo has much to be proud of liltokyo has much to be proud of liltokyo has much to be proud of liltokyo's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Which couplet?

    I want to post a poem I wrote, but I'm not sure about one couplet in it. Which do you guys think is better:

    Emergence by weeks from fractious statues
    That stamp morale with a staining bruise.

    or

    Emergence by weeks from fractious statues of flesh
    That scathe one’s morale each day afresh.


    I'd really appreciate your opinion. Thanks. ^^

  2. #2
    Just Some Color Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala has a reputation beyond repute Fabala's Avatar
    Gil
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    Default

    It'll be far easier to judge if we can look at both inserted into the full poem ^^ Either or may sound better to a person, but it will mean nothing unless there's a context to set it against.

    For example the use of "one's" in the second version comes across as personal, more subjective than objective. The first version is certainly more objective, less personal. If the full poem is more objective, the first is probably better-suited. If it's more subjective, the second probably is.

    Then there's the issue of the flow of the poem. The lines in the first are shorter than those in the second. It is entirely possible that one or the other will feel out of place (in reading it...and reading a poem aloud can help teach you how to hear it), but there is no way of knowing without seeing the rest of the poem.

    So I suppose I'm saying (in a long-winded, roundabout kind of way) that I think it'll be best answered if you post up two versions of the complete poem, each with one of your above couplets.

  3. #3
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    Gil
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    Default

    Yeah, I think it'd be easier to tell you which sounds better, when we're shown the whole poem with both variations.
    making emo kids[/URL] cry since 1998


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