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Last edited by Bittersweet; 12-30-2012 at 11:42 PM.
A beautiful piece of work it really touched my heart. You got talent and should carry on.
Mysteriousness is nothing.
But mystery is everything.
Alright, no need to comment on grammatical errors here since you seem to have done a good job in that area. I was wondering if I should lay this one on you since you seem to have put in quite an effort to go through the descriptors. I finally decided to because I realized that you had talent and with talent, a little tweaking could help.
I found the piece over descriptive. I will pluck out a couple of examples for you to mull over. Take this for example, "Her black hair enhanced her pale white skin, giving her a nice looking complexion, which matched her crystal blue eyes."
"Her black hair enhanced her pale white skin" - This already tells readers that her skin was beautiful and radiant in the moonlight.
"Nice looking complexion" - Which makes this redundant, I feel.
Let's take another sentence, "Once before, she had told him she'd always be there; she said she'd never leave him." Here, "She had told him she'd always be there" and "She said she'd never leave him" are basically the same thing.
I understand what you were trying to accomplish and that was a beautiful dramatic scene comprised of two individuals deeply in love with each other. But sometimes, less is more. Ponder about that for a bit, I'm not saying what you did was wrong and for those who prefer a more detailed description, this is fine. I just prefer economizing my word choices, like I've often been told to do so Keep up the good work.
~*Why don't they get tired, Because they're fools, Don't fools get tired, How can fools get tired?*~ www.hypergraphiansmuse.blogspot.comAF Family"Red" - Younger brother"*Ninna* ~ Hatake - Sister-in-law"
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