Naruto Fanfiction: Demon Master chapter 2

[gangman5]

second chapter, no turning back now


“huh?...whe….where….am….i?” naruto managed to croak
“Easy kid” said a voice naruto had never heard before.
“Huh?” naruto looked over at the man sitting next to his bed. He had a long green trench coat with a silver and black sheath for his sword at the back, his coat was unbuttoned which showed a shirt with the kanji for shadow printed on it, he had blue jeans and worn running shoes on. His hair was a shaggy black mess with tiny grey flecks through it. His face was cold but familiar, he had a scar running over one eye and he was smoking a fragrant smelling cigarette
“The villagers really gave you a pounding back there” he said monotonously “why did I bother coming here?” he said as he leaned back on his chair.
“Who..are you?” naruto asked
“you can call me Nate” he said as he took a drag on his cigarette.
“Why…why did you save me?” naruto asked “why didn’t you leave me to die like the villagers would have?”
“a life is a life” he said “if you had died, how would you know what you could’ve been?”
He pause and though for a while
“this kid have a weird vibe, there’s something familiar about him”
“why do the villagers hate you anyway?” he asked curiously “ a child your age being beaten so badly is surprising”
“I …I don’t know” naruto answered “ever since I was little they have hated me, they called me monster and demon”
Nate stared at him for a while then finally said
“Your wounds seem to have healed awfully quickly and your chakra seems to have a strange feeling around it.” He thought for a long time before saying
“mind if I try something?”
“what?” naruto asked
“I’m going to probe your mind and try to find out what's going on”
“But what will that…..” Nate placed 2 fingers on his forehead and naruto was out like shikamaru in an academy lecture
--Naruto’s mindscape--
Nate walked though the endless corridors in naruto’s mind before he finally came to a giant open sewer like area with a giant cage in the middle. The cage had a piece of paper on the door with the kanji for seal
“who’s there” said a booming voice. “who are you?”
“who are you?” Nate said calmly
He walked up to the bars. A slender red haired woman in a black and red komodo with nine tails swishing behind her walked into view from behind the bars.
“oh….its you” she said.
“Maria….its been a long time” Nate said with a little relief in his voice
“don’t call me that!” she yelled in a voice that could shatter glass “I left that name behind long ago when I left you!”
“yes.. I’ve never understood why that was” Nate chuckled
His tone suddenly turned serious “what are you doing in this boys body?”
“ I was sealed by that idiot of a hokage, yondimane”
“heh heh…. Yondimane always was a bit slow when it came to women… but he was a fearless leader and im glad he stopped you” Nate said
“why did you attack konoha anyway?”
“revenge” she stated “those bastards destroyed my home and killed my family”
“ I thought you promised never to attack konoha after we met?”
“ yes… but without you to stop me…” she laughed evilly
“you really are one sadistic *****” Nate sneered
“if I recall, that was what attracted you to me” she laughed
Nate didn’t say anything
“ I take it these huge pipes are for your chakra to feed into the boys system” Nate asked “if they’re this big, he wont be able to perform even a basic clone jutsu correctly, there’s just too much excess chakra”
“well I cant do anything about it” kyuubi snarled “that damned seal stops me”
“ but I can” Nate said with an evil tone in his voice. He walked up to the seal and place his hands on it, he seal glowed red and the symbols swirled around at high speed. When he removed his hands the seal was the same except It had a orange glowing kanji in the middle that read ‘truth’
“ the truth seal eh?” she said curiously “that’s used to release a soul from the spirit world, what could you possibly do with…” kyuubi gasped as yondimane materialised in the middle of the chamber
“welcome back yondimane” Nate said warmly
“Nate! Good to see you!” yondimane said. then he saw the kyuubi “oh…its that old *****” he sneered
“YOU BASTARD!” she yelled as she summoned her powers slashed at him with one giant claw.
Nate jumped in front of her and blocked her with one arm. He glared at her with a look that would make itachi wet his pants. He flung her away and smashed her into the wall of the chamber.
“don’t forget maria…” he said tauntingly “I am still one thousand times more powerful than you”
he then turned to yondimane
“I summoned you because I need you to help regulate naruto’s chakra flows, there too much chakra for him to even perform the most basic jutsus” he said
“I see… listen Nate…” yondimane said with regret with in voice “I want you to train naruto to be as powerful as you…I have seen what the villagers have been doing too him and I want him to become strong enough to withstand them, I want him to surpass even me in power”
Nate stared at him for a minute
“ok… ill do it… but first I need to see if his body can withstand the massive amounts of energy require for ‘that’ style of fighting” Nate said
“im sure he’ll make you proud Nate” yodimane said warmly. “you better go now before kyuubi has a fit”
“yes… goodbye yondimane” he said as he walked away
“oh and yondimane…”
Yondimane looked up
“try not to trash this place too much” he chuckled as he faded into nothingness
“I really hate him” kyuubi said walking back into her cage

[Capernicus]

That was all very painful on my eyes and I must have read about 5 words.

1) Please, can you not write this in semi script form. If you really wish to start a new line for each dialog (which is a practice I also use) then please, have an empty space between the new lines. That helps with the lack of indenting.

2) You should really break up your dialog like...lots. Almost every line there is something a character is saying, which is a big no no in fictions. It presents a very limited view of what is going on. Descriptions are needed to engage more senses of the human body: smell, touch, taste. Not just sound. Your story will have more reviews if you touch on every one of those as often as possible (and without the descriptions being too long and needlessly cluttered).

3) Maybe this is just my personal taste, but using bold words do nothing for the story. I think tradition says use italics instead. Or capitals (but only in moderations!)

Take my words into consideration.