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    Senior Member CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay!'s Avatar
    Gil
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    Default Original Fiction: Love!? Ski!?

    This is a random story i felt like making. the names are taken from my fav anime chars
    Love!? Ski!? Written by CrosSplay!


    Light Yakama is an every day teenager, he is 5'7 and is looking after his little sister who came over to Australia with him. Light’s parents or more rather parent, moved to Australia for business. His father is normally never home and leaves money when he goes on business trips, which was often. Light’s father had to go on another business trip, but there was something different about this trip. His father left a note that reads. Dear Light, My company has told me of a possibility of a promotion. The only thing I need to do is go to Thailand to be the company’s Representative. I need you to look after your sister. I have left some money on the kitchen table and the card if you run out. Ill be back in a few months. Take care, Dad
    Ever since I read that note dad left me I have been on edge worrying about almost every thing. How am I supposed to look after Tess when I can’t even cook her breakfast? Now I’m early to school just sitting in class waiting for my classmates to get here. I sat there for at least fifteen minutes waiting for the first students to arrive. The class room is full except for one seat. Class goes on with no one questioning the empty seat, I for one am confused, trying to remember who sat there. I’ve come to the conclusion that the seat was vacant for no reason and to desk must have accidentally ended up in the class room. The classroom door swings open and the most beautiful girl I have ever seen stumbles into the room. The class is giggling and muttering among them selves. The girl picks herself up and looks around the classroom. Her eyes lock with mine for a second before she begins to walk towards the teacher. I can’t hear what the teacher was saying to the girl over the student’s ruckus, but I want to know.
    The teacher calms the class down and begins to speak. “Now that you’re all quiet I can introduce a new student to the class.” The girl began to talk but I was so taken in by her beauty that I couldn’t focus on what she was saying, her short brown hair falling around her collar, her brown eyes gleam in the artificial light of the classroom. I noticed she is taller than me, which shouldn’t bother me but it did. I guess I always imaged that the girl I would fall for would be my height or maybe shorter. I noticed her walking towards the empty desk next to mine I blushed with anticipation.


    As the lesson continues I look for an opportunity to introduce myself but every time I looked across I would stare with out saying word. I’m scaring myself, I’ve never been in a situation like this before. Why can’t I talk to her, this is embarrassing, staring at her is creeping me out let alone her.
    The bell finally goes. I stand up, look around the classroom. Everyone’s moving out into the halls to eat there lunch. I decide to eat my lunch in the classroom, Being relatively new I wasn’t accepted in any of the groups. This didn’t bother me much, I was used to being alone. I open my bag and get out my poorly made sandwich. I hear a quite, but sweet voice say “hey, Light” I look up in the hope that it is the new girl. I’m disappointed as well as delighted to have someone talk to me at lunch. I reply after a short pause “hay Kioko”. I haven’t seen Kioko in quite a long time I’m surprised to see her back. “Say Kioko, how long where you supposed to be gone for?” Kioko looks at me with a confused, embarrassed look. “Um, Light I never left I got transferred to the 2-C next door, don’t you remember?”. This is really embarrassing I have to choose my words carefully not to hurt Kioko, after all she did come talk to me. “Of course I remember, I was just joking”. Please don’t see through my obviously transparent lie. She stairs at me with a blank expression, I’m beginning to worry. She begins to giggle, I take a sigh of relief. I can’t shake the feeling that she was being polite by not pointing out my lie. Kioko has been incredibly reserved and quiet towards me recently, I wonder why. I have to break this defining silence before it becomes more awkward. “Hay Kioko, you better get back to your class before you get in trouble”. Kioko stands up, bows and walks toward the class room door. I begin looking for my unnamed love once more. The bell goes and my classmates rush into the classroom waiting noisily for the teacher to arrive. I notice ‘Her’ walk back into the classroom with two friends I think there names are Rea and Kana. I feel a sudden wave of depression. This girl, already has friends after three hours of school, and I’ve been at this damn school for six weeks and haven’t made a single friend. This would drive a normal person to hatred, but this, this for some strange reason made me idoliser her. Class had started wile I was pondering my socializing skills and had missed some of the answers on the work sheet we where doing. I look around, the only one in range is ‘Her’. I justify me looking at her answers somehow. I’ll use my peripheral vision to see the answers. I strain my eyes to see the answers but her hand writing is too small, I have no choice but to lean across and look. Leaning across I see one answer, I go back and write the answer. I feel really uneasy about going back to look for the second time, remembering how unjustified my justification was. I look across for the second time. I freeze, as if I know someone spotted me. “Light what do you think your doing?” I begin to sink into my seat hoping it would inhale me. “You weren’t looking at Mikiru’s work where you?”. Mikiru, Mikiru is her name all I can do is say her name again and again in my head. The teacher wasn’t impressed with my unresponsiveness and told me to sit outside the classroom.

    Sitting outside the classroom didn’t bother me at all. I know her name, which made me feel closer to her. Sitting outside the class for 3 hours would annoy anybody but not me today. I’m happy for the first time in along time. The walk to the train station seemed shorter than usual. Maybe it’s because I’m thinking of Mikiru. Why do I have this feeling that I’m forgetting something? Crap, I forgot to pick up Tess. I have to make it to the primary school in the next ten minutes or else they’ll call Dad. I’ve got to back track for at least ten minutes. I’ve got no choice but to run. I’m racing towards the school, turning corners blindly. I’m only one corner away from the primary school. I turn the corner at a blinding pace. All I see as I come around the corner is a blur of brown. I think I’m on the ground facing the sky with a huge head ache. I put my hand on the ground to lever my self up. I pan around to see who I hit. Nothing, I hear a moan and look towards the sound. There’s now way this is happening, its Mikiru. I rush down to see if she’s ok. I wanted to say something but all I could do is stare at her. I feel my face go bright red with embarrassment. “Are you alright?”. Mikiru spoke to me, I shrug my shoulders still unable to speak. She stands up slowly we stare at each other for a few seconds and then I remember Tess still waiting for me in the classroom. I begin to run off towards the school. I decide to say something to her as I leave, I don’t want to be rude “see you school later” well phrased Light Yakama now you sound like a complete idiot. I managed to make it to the Primary school in time as well as being home in time for my favourite show. I really dislike studying, if the teacher couldn’t teach us at school why do we have to teach ourselves at home, when we have more important things to do. Such as draw Mikiru on my home work sheet. After forcing my self to do homework till midnight I wake up at eight with my face on my school books. Walking down the stairs is a huge chore this early in the morning. Tess is already awake and had made herself breakfast. This made my morning much easier. I think ill miss breakfast this morning. If I have breakfast I’ll be late to school. I run upstairs and get changed pack my school bag and run back down the stairs. Tess is ready and waiting for me at the door. I think even she can see how much stress I get from having to look after her. Dad thinks she takes after Mum with her intelligents and ability to think of others before herself. I really dislike trains, especially the morning trains. There always packed and at every stop there’s a mad rush to the door, I can feel Tess clinging to me like her life depended on it. Walking out the train station and towards primary school with Tess still clinging to my arm, is giving me time to think more about Mikiru. Tess stares at me and says “What are you thinking about Light.” I’m unable to respond, I don’t know whether to respond with the truth or make up a childish lie. If I tell her the truth, I would have finally told someone about Mikiru. “ Don’t worry about me, worry about your grades for when Dad gets back”. Tess runs ahead to the front gate and waves goodbye. “I’ll be ok from here” I nod my head in approval and walk away.

    I never understood why primary school starts a whole thirty minutes before high school. Now, just as I did yesterday, I wait for my classmates to arrive. At least today I have something to look forward to, the much awaited arrival of Mikiru. My bag is really heavy so I tink ill go to my locker. This is first time this year that I‘ve even need gone to my locker. Walking down the normally full halls is an whole new experience for me. These halls are usually packed full of people from middle school and high school. To see the halls this bear made me feel empty inside, lonelier than usual. Looking into my bag to find my locker combination we where given at the beginning of the year. “What’s this?”. It looks like a note has been put in my locker, I’ve never received a note before, I wonder if its from Mikiru. I’m shaking as I open my locker. There it is a note with a love heart on the front. It must be from Mikiru. The letter reads.
    Dear Light, I have been watching you for only a short amount of time. And in that time I’ve come to like you very much. We don’t get to see each other that often but I would like to change that. I would like to meet you behind the gymnasium after school today. See you there.
    ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
    From your, Admitted Admirer 22/08/09
    I feel warm all over, I cant breath. It has to be Mikiru there’s no one else it could be. Hold on, today is the twenty-third. This is not good. this means that mikiru must think I stood her up after school yesterday. All I can do now is see if I can explain what happened. The walk back to class was five times as worse as the walk to my locker. The first of my classmates arrive into the classroom. I’ve locked my eyes onto the class door checking every person who’s walking in. half the class is here now she should be here any minute. Mikiru bounces through the door happier than I thought she would be. Maybe she’s in some stage of depression? She comes over to sit down every muscle in my body is tense with anxiety. Close your eyes and count to ten. 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9….10. When I open my eyes I will be calm. “Light Yakama is it?”. Mikiru talked me, she must be really agitated. “Yeah.”. I’m going to open my eyes to a angry and disappointed face. I was wrong, she’s still smiling. Maybe she wants me to go behind the gymnasium after school today instead.


    School finished ten minutes and I cant see Mikiru anywhere. Its really bright behind this huge white gymnasium and the flowers are in bloom. It’s the perfect location for Mikiru and I to confess our love for each other. Someone’s coming, I feel the same way I did when I first saw Mikiru. I see a girl in the distance, judging by her outline it isn’t Mikiru. Its Kioko! Maybe she lost. “Hay Kioko, are you lost?” Kioko is looking at the ground. “Not quite”. What did she mean by that? Kioko is still steering at the ground, she looks up. She’s blushing! “Light I..i Love you.” I’m in shock I cant breath, the tension could be cut with a knife. I must tell her the truth, That I love Mikiru. “I’m sorry Kioko but I like someone else.” It’s as if I can see her heart break right in front of me. She goes back to looking at the floor once more exept this time there’s a tear running down her now pale cheek. I take a step to begin walk away looking down. “Wait Light.” This is not good. “Light, I’m I’m sorry.” Her one tear has turned into a steady stream. I continue to walk away.
    I arrive home. I don’t have to pick Tess up today because she has netball training and one of the other girls mum’s drop her home. All I can do is sit down and turn the T.V on. I turn it off, my mind is everywhere. When did Kioko develop these feelings for me? Did I answer with the correct answer? These are questions I could not answer. Kioko and I did get along when she was still in 2-B. there was that time she bought me lunch every day for two weeks because I kept forgetting to make my lunch, there’s also the time she did all of our mid-term project because she knew I didn’t have the time to help her. Now that I look back there are hundreds of occasions that she has showed nothing but thoughtfulness and kindness. No one talks to me at school other than Kioko, what have I done, I’ve made a huge mistake. I write a note for Kioko that reads. Dear Kioko Meet me after School behind the Gymnasium I’m sorry From Light
    I leave the note in her locker the day passes at the slowest pace possible. The classroom bell rings and I leave for the gymnasium in a jogging motion. There’s no one here, I’ll wait for a bit. Two hours have past and I don’t think I can wait for much longer. I know what l’ll do, I’ll go to her house. I begin to run when I here a voice. “Wait!” its Kioko. She’s running towards me I turn around and begin running towards her. We reach each other in the light of the setting sun in front of white wall with the blooming Flowers. I stare at kioko, I can’t believe what I’m about to say. “Kioko , I love you”
    The End
    Last edited by CroSsplay!; 03-04-2008 at 07:58 PM.


    disgeae order of awsomeness
    Laharl > Mao > Adell

  2. #2
    Senior Member Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian's Avatar
    Gil
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    Hokay, get ready cause I'm on a writing rampage today. Here's how it goes, I'll start with the technical problems first and then carry on with the plot issues. Once again, don't fret at the problems I highlight. Just correct the mistakes and you're well on your way to getting better Note that I hope to see better after this

    Quote Originally Posted by CroSsplay! View Post
    Light Yakama is an every day teenager, he is 5'7 and is looking after his little sister who came over to Australia with him. Light’s parents or more rather parent, moved to Australia for business. His father is normally never home and leaves money when he goes on business trips, which was often.
    1) You've chosen present tense as your foundation. Very risky and tough to master. My advice is to try and write in past tense if possible, especially if you're not very keen on the editing part.
    2) Your sentences have awkward breaks in between, more of a conversation structure than sentence structure. Also, they're a little bit lengthy and can be made more concise if you read them over again. I'll take the above as an example and cut it short.

    "Light Yakama is a 5.7 everyday teenager. He looks after his little sister who had just arrived to Australia. Light's parents or rather, parent, had moved to Australia for business, but his father was never home and only left money whenever he went on business trips, which was often."

    See, shortened. But still, the tense is off and a lot of work needs to be done. If I had to rework the sentences above again, in past tense, this would be what it'll look like :-

    "Light Yakama was a 5'7" average teenager who was trying his best to fill his father's shoes. Often on business trips and never home, his father had a habit of using money as his replacement, hardly an appropriate substitute. As a result, Light was always left to care for his little sister in their family's new home in Australia."

    Quote Originally Posted by CroSsplay! View Post
    Light’s father had to go on another business trip, but there was something different about this trip. His father left a note that reads.
    Ah... see. This is where the tense trouble starts. "Left" is past tense and "reads" is present. You've mixed the two, a broken cardinal rule of writing.

    Quote Originally Posted by CroSsplay! View Post
    Dear Light, My company has told me of a possibility of a promotion. The only thing I need to do is go to Thailand to be the company’s Representative. I need you to look after your sister. I have left some money on the kitchen table and the card if you run out. Ill be back in a few months. Take care, Dad
    Wait, at this point I'm thinking. What happened to mom?

    Quote Originally Posted by CroSsplay! View Post
    Ever since I read that note dad left me I have been on edge worrying about almost every thing. How am I supposed to look after Tess when I can’t even cook her breakfast?
    Woah there, jumping points-of-view. A point-of-view or POV means picking a character in a story and following him. Initially, you had chosen to be a narrator and picked Light's character to follow. Here, you've jumped into a 'first person' POV and have followed yourself. Oi..oi... no breaking another cardinal rule yah? Make sure you choose a POV and stick to it. You can be a narrator and jump from one character to the next but you may never jump from a narrator's perspective and into your character's persona.

    Quote Originally Posted by CroSsplay! View Post
    Now I’m early to school just sitting in class waiting for my classmates to get here. I sat there for at least fifteen minutes waiting for the first students to arrive. The class room is full except for one seat. Class goes on with no one questioning the empty seat, I for one am confused, trying to remember who sat there. I’ve come to the conclusion that the seat was vacant for no reason and to desk must have accidentally ended up in the class room.
    Check, I think you meant "the". Either way, this has to be rephrased. I'm giving you a challenge. Rewrite this part in past tense

    Quote Originally Posted by CroSsplay! View Post
    As the lesson continues I look for an opportunity to introduce myself but every time I looked across I would stare with out saying word.
    "With out" is one word. "Without"

    Quote Originally Posted by CroSsplay! View Post
    I hear a quite, but sweet voice say “hey, Light” I look up in the hope that it is the new girl.
    "Quite" - Check spelling "Quiet"

    And as for the following, I'm going to change the spacing to demonstrate how conversations, when spaced out, flow much better.

    Quote Originally Posted by CroSsplay! View Post
    I’m disappointed as well as delighted to have someone talk to me at lunch.

    I reply after a short pause “hay Kioko”. I haven’t seen Kioko in quite a long time I’m surprised to see her back.

    “Say Kioko, how long where you supposed to be gone for?” Kioko looks at me with a confused, embarrassed look.

    “Um, Light I never left I got transferred to the 2-C next door, don’t you remember?”. This is really embarrassing I have to choose my words carefully not to hurt Kioko, after all she did come talk to me.

    “Of course I remember, I was just joking”. Please don’t see through my obviously transparent lie. She stairs at me with a blank expression, I’m beginning to worry. She begins to giggle, I take a sigh of relief. I can’t shake the feeling that she was being polite by not pointing out my lie. Kioko has been incredibly reserved and quiet towards me recently, I wonder why. I have to break this defining silence before it becomes more awkward.

    “Hay Kioko, you better get back to your class before you get in trouble”. Kioko stands up, bows and walks toward the class room door. I begin looking for my unnamed love once more.
    The one's in bold are spelling errors and I know you have the ability to correct these on your own

    Quote Originally Posted by CroSsplay! View Post
    The bell goes and my classmates rush into the classroom waiting noisily for the teacher to arrive. I notice ‘Her’ walk back into the classroom with two friends I think there names are Rea and Kana.
    Why not substitute 'Her' with new girl, or the pretty girl, or something other than inverted commas?

    Quote Originally Posted by CroSsplay! View Post
    I feel a sudden wave of depression. This girl, already has friends after three hours of school, and I’ve been at this damn school for six weeks and haven’t made a single friend. This would drive a normal person to hatred, but this, this for some strange reason made me idoliser her. Class had started wile I was pondering my socializing skills and had missed some of the answers on the work sheet we where doing. I look around, the only one in range is ‘Her’.
    Spelling.

    Quote Originally Posted by CroSsplay! View Post
    I justify me looking at her answers somehow. I’ll use my peripheral vision to see the answers. I strain my eyes to see the answers but her hand writing is too small, I have no choice but to lean across and look. Leaning across I see one answer, I go back and write the answer. I feel really uneasy about going back to look for the second time, remembering how unjustified my justification was.
    After reading a bit, I know you have the language skills to correct your mistakes. It's just that little effort has been put into checking your work. Read the above paragraph and especially the highlighted part. Though it made sense, did you realize how awkward the entire thing sounded?

    -------------------

    Okay, I eyed the rest of it and found that similar tense mistakes, awkward sentence structuring and a strange use of words were a common occurence throughout. Here's a tip, keep reading and writing, plus don't forget the editing. Like I always tell people, babies were not born knowing how to speak, read or write. We all had to learn and it's a matter of how hard you work at it to make those words shine. So don't use "I don't have talent" as an excuse.

    Now for plot notes. You started with Light as a character who had his little sister as a burden leftover by his father. The story, I thought, would be about the boy's trials and tribulations of filling in his father's shoes. But it skipped into a puppy-love crush. Though suprise twists are a good thing for plots, heavily disjointed twists that don't fit do not add to interest.

    Suggestion? Cut the entire Light family background and start with the crush. Also, do resubmit an edited version of this once you're done. Hopefully, in past tense as well.

    Cheers and good luck.

    ~*Why don't they get tired, Because they're fools, Don't fools get tired, How can fools get tired?*~ www.hypergraphiansmuse.blogspot.com
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  3. #3
    Senior Member CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay! has a reputation beyond repute CroSsplay!'s Avatar
    Gil
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hypergraphian View Post
    Now for plot notes. You started with Light as a character who had his little sister as a burden leftover by his father. The story, I thought, would be about the boy's trials and tribulations of filling in his father's shoes. But it skipped into a puppy-love crush. Though suprise twists are a good thing for plots, heavily disjointed twists that don't fit do not add to interest.

    Suggestion? Cut the entire Light family background and start with the crush. Also, do resubmit an edited version of this once you're done. Hopefully, in past tense as well.

    Cheers and good luck.
    thanks for the Help i need all the help i can get i've started the good copy now using your edited notes cheers. I'm the worlds worst speller and i wrote this on a PDA on my camping trip lol.


    disgeae order of awsomeness
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