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Thread: Narcissu - Narcissu ~ Setsumi's Theme

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    Default Narcissu - Narcissu ~ Setsumi's Theme

    Wow, this was a depressing song to translate. Anyway, there's nothing I particularly have a question about... though I do feel like my translation is very clumsy and unpoetic in places, so any suggestions on how to make it flow more smoothly overall would be appreciated.

    一月の花を尋ねてみた
    憧れはナルキッソス

    ichigatsu no hana o tazunete mita
    akogare wa NARUKISSOSU

    I tried asking about January flowers
    What I longed for was the narcissus

    二人で望んでみた
    グラス越し 銀の夜

    futari de nozonde mita
    GARASUgoshi gin no yoru

    Together, we tried wishing
    Through the glass, that silver night

    もしも願えるのならば
    um... もっと近くにきてよ

    moshimo negaeru no naraba
    um... motto chikaku ni kite yo

    If I could have a wish
    Mm... come closer

    雨空じゃ 顔も見えない
    星を灯けて

    amazora ja kao mo mienai
    hoshi o tsukete

    When the sky is grey, I can't even see your face
    Light the stars for me

    華やかな 煌びやかな運命を
    夢見て泣いた夜は

    hanayaka na kirabiyaka na unmei o
    yumemite naita yoru wa

    On the night when I dreamed of
    A beautiful dazzling future, and cried

    銀色の流星も泣いている
    ナルシスに向けて

    gin'iro no ryuusei mo naite iru
    NARUSHISU ni mukete

    The silver shooting star cried too
    Looking towards the narcissu

    あっけなく さよならを告げぬよう
    唇が告げぬように

    akkenaku sayonara o tsugenu you
    kuchibiru ga tsugenu you ni

    So I wouldn't have to say a too-quick goodbye
    So my lips wouldn't say it

    呟きに星空も木霊する
    ナルシスに向けて

    tsubuyaki ni hoshizora mo kodama suru
    NARUSHISU ni mukete

    Even the starry sky echoed my whisper
    Looking towards the narcissu

    いつまでも届け

    itsumademo todoke

    May it always reach
    Last edited by bluepenguin; 03-05-2008 at 09:31 PM.

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    Nice translation, I think you've done a very good job

    > Through the glass, that silver night

    Since it's ガラス越し, I think it should be:

    (Our bodies) Pressed against the (glass|window), that silver night.

    > 雨空じゃ 顔も見えない
    > 星を灯けて

    My interpretation:

    When the sky is gray, I can't even see your face.
    Light the stars for me.

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    Thanks! I wasn't sure about the structure on that second one; yours sounds better, at least. For ガラス越し though -- well, I've never run into the word before, before, but Jim Breen's gives me "across, over, beyond" for "越し," and all the ALC examples for "ガラス越し" involve seeing something through glass, so... do you have any examples of where it's used the way you've translated it?

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    Sorry, the ガラス越し is a misunderstanding of the xx越し pattern on my part. Please ignore my earlier comment on the matter...

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    That's okay -- we all do that sometimes, I think. At least, I do it a lot.

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