AnimeGalleries [dot] NetAnimeWallpapers [dot] ComAnimeLyrics [dot] ComAnimePedia [dot] ComAnimeGlobe [dot] Com

User Tag List

+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Hear this..

  1. #1
    Walking TaLL Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy's Avatar
    Gil
    17,129.04
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    11-27-2010 01:18 AM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    i dont live
    Threads
    32
    Posts
    857
    Rep Power
    3117

    Default Hear this..

    cant stay with you anymore
    i leave everything this night
    even if i lose everything
    i will rip this love from me
    you know i wont shed a tear
    i'll just look away and leave
    wont let you get me this time
    dont worry i wont complain
    i'll burn my heart and leave

    the time is right im leaving you
    moving past all the habits
    i still thirst for love
    my hands will be free from your hands
    like a leaf falling on an autumns date
    we could have been one, you and I
    goodbye my love, goodbye my sweet desire

    your memories will scar me with every tear
    you were my remedy, my dearest every night
    the warmth i felt on your lips
    now its a wound within the heart
    now choosing a life without meaning
    if it was love its over
    we could have been one, you and I
    goodbye my love, goodbye my sweet desire
    Last edited by Lune Cy; 02-03-2008 at 05:45 PM.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  2. #2
    Senior Member Kamara Sagara has a reputation beyond repute Kamara Sagara has a reputation beyond repute Kamara Sagara has a reputation beyond repute Kamara Sagara has a reputation beyond repute Kamara Sagara has a reputation beyond repute Kamara Sagara has a reputation beyond repute Kamara Sagara has a reputation beyond repute Kamara Sagara has a reputation beyond repute Kamara Sagara has a reputation beyond repute Kamara Sagara has a reputation beyond repute Kamara Sagara has a reputation beyond repute Kamara Sagara's Avatar
    Gil
    2,060.00
    Gender
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    08-12-2008 02:26 AM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Makai
    Age
    25
    Threads
    6
    Posts
    103
    Rep Power
    299

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Lainskiss View Post
    cant stay with you anymore I'm not sure about this for an opening line. It isn't that great of a hook.
    i leave everything this night
    even if i lose everything The use of everything in this line right after the last doesn't sound great. Possibly find another way to say this.
    i will rip this love from me
    you know i wont shed a tear The phrase of "shed a tear" is cliche. I can't think of an alternative though.
    i'll just look away and leave
    wont let you get me this time
    dont worry i wont complain
    i'll burn my heart and leave This is a good line, but the use of "leave" after you used it a couple of lines ago doesn't help.

    the time is right im leaving you "the time is right" is cliche. Possibly use something like "it's the moment" or something like that.
    moving past all the habbits *habits
    i still thirst for love This line is also a bit cliche. An alternate word for "thirst" could help.
    my hands will be free from your hands
    like a leaf falling on an autumns date Exquisite imagery.
    we could have been one, you and me This should be "you and I".
    goodbye my love, goodbye my sweet desire

    your memories will scar me with every tear Nice line.
    you were my remedy, my dearest every night Intriguing word use.
    the warmth i felt on your lips
    now its a wound within the heart
    now choosing a life without meaning This line is interesting. To "choose" such a life isn't very common.
    if it was love its over
    we could have been one, you and me If you are going to use these two lines
    goodbye my love, goodbye my sweet desire using them in only one stanza would have a greater impact.
    This poem is a nice poem, all in all. I like the fact that you didn't feel it necessary to use capitals or punctuation. Some works can be completely strangled by them. Your poem seems to have a lyrical quality which is beneficial. Nice work.
    Kamara Sagara
     
    "Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace."-Buddha




    <U><FONT color=#acacff><a href="

  3. #3
    Walking TaLL Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy has a reputation beyond repute Lune Cy's Avatar
    Gil
    17,129.04
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    11-27-2010 01:18 AM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    i dont live
    Threads
    32
    Posts
    857
    Rep Power
    3117

    Default

    thank you for commenting on my poem..xD..i want to say this though
    english isnt my first language..and this one is the translation of the 'real'
    poem..i noticed you say that some parts are cliche..or i should rephrase them..i thank you for pointing out..but i try to find alternatives..but im kinda
    limited by my enlgish vocabulary

    and by using cliches i actually want the readers relate their feelings more with what i've written...prefer to say..simplicity..not sure if i achieve(d) it in this poem

    why i wrote these two sentences "we could have been one, you and me
    goodbye my love, goodbye my sweet desire"

    twice is that the person saying this actually doesnt want to leave...like he/she is leaving but still wants to hear that he/she should stay..cause he/she doesnt just say goodbye..instead uses 'my love' and 'my sweet desire'

    the person contradicts his own feelings..because saying that he/she is leaving twice in the second part ..makes you focus on 'leaving' and that the person is confident about leaving ..but instead the person makes the end part emotional by sharing his/her feelings by using 'my love' and 'my sweet desire'..like you say you're leaving and yet you dont stand up and leave right away..

    But thanks again for your reply on my poem..^_^ i really appreciate it..cause by getting this kind of replys makes me spend more time on the translations...xD..

    NOTE: i edited the spelling/grammar faults
    Last edited by Lune Cy; 02-03-2008 at 05:46 PM.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  4. #4
    Mega Man ZX Mega Man Zero has a reputation beyond repute Mega Man Zero has a reputation beyond repute Mega Man Zero has a reputation beyond repute Mega Man Zero has a reputation beyond repute Mega Man Zero has a reputation beyond repute Mega Man Zero has a reputation beyond repute Mega Man Zero has a reputation beyond repute Mega Man Zero has a reputation beyond repute Mega Man Zero has a reputation beyond repute Mega Man Zero has a reputation beyond repute Mega Man Zero has a reputation beyond repute Mega Man Zero's Avatar
    Gil
    0.41
    Gender
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    01-31-2009 08:16 PM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Home
    Threads
    0
    Posts
    78
    Rep Power
    463
    Gamer IDs

    Wii Code: None

    Default

    Overall from the critic, kamara, it has lyrical observations, Looks more of a song if it was a bit more detailed. But in my opinion, i thought you did a good job, Keep up the good work.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian has a reputation beyond repute Hypergraphian's Avatar
    Gil
    8,240.00
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Latest Post
    04-19-2010 09:13 AM
    User Info Thanks / Tagging Info Gifts / Achievements / Awards vBActivity Stats
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Threads
    28
    Posts
    412
    Rep Power
    329

    Default

    I agree with Kamara as most of what he's said was spot on and I understand that what you've tried to do is use dual-sentence repetitions to reflect how much a person wanted to say good bye. The downside to it though was that I think you went a little overboard with it. To me it got to a point where I was thinking, "Yes, I got it. You're leaving, go already please."

    Longer doesn't mean more effective and for this I think it has done more harm than good. But I must admit. For a non English language user, some of the word uses and imagery you've provided here was quite good.

    Here's a suggestion, try plucking out some of the stand alone imagery (the ones that are not repeats) and see if you can make something that's short and impactful out of it.

    Aside from that, keep up the good work and good luck with your next piece

    ~*Why don't they get tired, Because they're fools, Don't fools get tired, How can fools get tired?*~ www.hypergraphiansmuse.blogspot.com
    AF Family
    "Red" - Younger brother
    "*Ninna* ~ Hatake - Sister-in-law"

+ Reply to Thread

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

     

Similar Threads

  1. Let me hear your opinion about your best rpg
    By Gandalf the White in forum Video Games
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: 05-01-2005, 09:18 AM
  2. Replies: 12
    Last Post: 01-02-2005, 05:29 AM
  3. Ever hear of the manga "Cross"?
    By Janus Silverlock in forum General Anime & Manga
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 12-17-2004, 09:41 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts