Narcissu - Narcissu ~ Setsumi's Theme

[EJTranslations]

Wow, this was a depressing song to translate. Anyway, there's nothing I particularly have a question about... though I do feel like my translation is very clumsy and unpoetic in places, so any suggestions on how to make it flow more smoothly overall would be appreciated.

一月の花を尋ねてみた
憧れはナルキッソス

ichigatsu no hana o tazunete mita
akogare wa NARUKISSOSU

I tried asking about January flowers
What I longed for was the narcissus

二人で望んでみた
グラス越し　銀の夜

futari de nozonde mita
GARASUgoshi gin no yoru

Together, we tried wishing
Through the glass, that silver night

もしも願えるのならば
um... もっと近くにきてよ

moshimo negaeru no naraba
um... motto chikaku ni kite yo

If I could have a wish
Mm... come closer

雨空じゃ　顔も見えない
星を灯けて

amazora ja kao mo mienai
hoshi o tsukete

When the sky is grey, I can't even see your face
Light the stars for me

華やかな　煌びやかな運命を
夢見て泣いた夜は

hanayaka na kirabiyaka na unmei o
yumemite naita yoru wa

On the night when I dreamed of
A beautiful dazzling future, and cried

銀色の流星も泣いている
ナルシスに向けて

gin'iro no ryuusei mo naite iru
NARUSHISU ni mukete

The silver shooting star cried too
Looking towards the narcissu

あっけなく　さよならを告げぬよう
唇が告げぬように

akkenaku sayonara o tsugenu you
kuchibiru ga tsugenu you ni

So I wouldn't have to say a too-quick goodbye
So my lips wouldn't say it

呟きに星空も木霊する
ナルシスに向けて

tsubuyaki ni hoshizora mo kodama suru
NARUSHISU ni mukete

Even the starry sky echoed my whisper
Looking towards the narcissu

いつまでも届け

itsumademo todoke

May it always reach

[Soulshift]

Nice translation, I think you've done a very good job

> Through the glass, that silver night

Since it's ガラス越し, I think it should be:

(Our bodies) Pressed against the (glass|window), that silver night.

> 雨空じゃ　顔も見えない
> 星を灯けて

My interpretation:

When the sky is gray, I can't even see your face.
Light the stars for me.

[EJTranslations]

Thanks! I wasn't sure about the structure on that second one; yours sounds better, at least. For ガラス越し though -- well, I've never run into the word before, before, but Jim Breen's gives me "across, over, beyond" for "越し," and all the ALC examples for "ガラス越し" involve seeing something through glass, so... do you have any examples of where it's used the way you've translated it?

[Soulshift]

Sorry, the ガラス越し is a misunderstanding of the xx越し pattern on my part. Please ignore my earlier comment on the matter...

[EJTranslations]

That's okay -- we all do that sometimes, I think. At least, I do it a lot.